The Virginity Project

3 guys, 3 stories, 1 week.....Part two...

A couple of days ago, I promised to tell you a slightly longer story about a young man losing his virginity to a prostitute. If there were such a thing as a master class in how to lose your virginity to a sex worker, I have a sneaky suspicion that it might sound something like this:

Cody. Born in 1987. Lost virginity a couple of weeks ago.

‘Alright, here goes-

I'm twenty-one years old, from the USA and I recently lost my virginity to a Canadian prostitute. I'm sending you this because I hope it helps other people who were in situations like mine, and because writing it will help me collect my thoughts.

I originally got the idea from a close friend of mine. He saw my frustration as I went through all kinds of changes in life - not the least of which was choosing a different religious life than the one my family had. I grew up in 'a certain church' that is very strict and extremely sexually repressive. While it teaches some great things, sex outside of marriage is called ‘the sin next to murder’ and anything even remotely sexual is 'evil'.

I was also coming out of an 'awkward teenager' phase - I had been too religious to even swear. I was horribly overweight. My confidence was low, my social skills damaged by the religiosity, as well as by the many times my family had moved and by the isolation and 'sheltered' childhood I had had.

By the time I was a freshman in university, I was only ambivalent about having a sex life. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to lose my virginity until about the end of freshman year. Once I was sure that I wanted to lose it, it became a race against time. I was the only person in the whole world who had never had sex. I was missing out. This made me anxious, which of course made it impossible to lose it. I was trying to run before I could even walk, I was so far behind - I was worried about losing the v-card before I had ever even kissed a girl (first time: age twenty).

I tried to console myself by remembering that a lot of it wasn't 'my fault', but that didn't help much. Sometimes I was so down on myself - here were the greatest years of my life, slipping away before my eyes. I would die having wasted so much irreplaceable time. I was frantic. I sometimes even felt so frustrated and bitter that I questioned whether life was even worth continuing without something as basic as sex.

But I was also losing weight quickly, finally getting my act together socially, and making all sorts of small changes all the time. I was making progress, but it still couldn't come fast enough. I had a handful of 'close calls' but at the last minute someone would interfere and ruin it for me; also I was so afraid of screwing up such a rare opportunity that I of course screwed it up. Trying to lose my virginity was getting in the way of trying to lose my virginity.

‘Dude, just get a hooker’ a friend of mine called Tyler suggested.

‘What the hell are you talking about!? Some disease-ridden whore who I'd have to pay money for? What kind of loser do you take me for?’

Tyler was about to completely change my perception on prostitution.

‘Now hey - everyone has to pay for it. Think about it. You can spend hundreds of dollars on gifts and dinners on a girl, with no guarantee that you're gonna get laid, or you can spend a set amount of money with a guarantee. And hookers have to stay clean, otherwise they'd be out of a job.’

‘But it's... I dunno, there's no honor in that.’

‘You think it's 'honorable' to hook up with a drunk girl at a party? She's more likely to have an STD than a professional is, and if you mess up, what if she goes and tells all her friends how awkward it was? What if you knock her up? Paying for sex isn't degrading - if anything it's degrading to the person being paid. It's liberating to get rid of all the bullshit and stupid games people play and just have sex. It's just 'animal sex', not lovemaking, but at least with a hooker it's honest and straightforward unlike a lot of the 'dating' we see around here.’

The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. Losing it to a hooker wasn't ideal - I would have liked to have found a girlfriend - but I also realized I couldn't do it at the time. Prostitution was, when I was completely honest with myself, better than the usual drunken hookup that I observed at my university. So it was either pay for alcohol and hope to get laid, or pay a sex worker and be done with it.

I found out that some of history's greatest womanizers and powerful men - Kennedy, Gabrielle D'Annunzio, Napoleon Bonaparte (and in the original novels, even James Bond) - as well as several others had lost their virginity to prostitutes. I also found out that in some societies it has been (and in a few still is) customary for young men to lose it this way.

One thing led to another and before I knew it, I had bought a plane ticket and two nights in a nice hotel in Canada.

I had set up an appointment before leaving with an independent escort, but as I waited for her to arrive (nervously), she was late. After an hour had passed, I went and checked my email - she had had a family emergency and was unable to come that day, and wouldn't be working again until after I left. Damn.

I was nervous, terrified even. I went and took a long walk. I even thought about calling it off. But no, I would never be able to look Tyler in the face again if I backed out now. I had told my friends (the few who knew I was still a virgin) that I was going to lose it, I had told myself that it would be before the year's end (and I lost it with less than a month to go - but it's a New Year's resolution I'm glad I kept!), and I had put too much time and money into it.

I thought about what to do. After a few hours, I went to the phone book and looked up the name of an agency I had heard of before leaving. I called them up and explained my 'first-timer status' in the ambiguous terms Canadian law requires. ‘That's fine Sweety, I've got a few girls I think would be perfect’. After some discussion, a time was set and I took a shower. My virginity was about to be done away with forever. I was nervous, but the understanding tone of the woman on the phone made me feel better. ‘That's why a lot of these girls do what they do’ she said.

I got a call a while later telling me to go down to the lobby. She was blonde, wearing a black dress and carrying a bag. I went down and found her. She looked like a businesswoman almost, very classy. A little older than me, as I had requested. She was not trashy or wearing too much makeup, not drawing attention to herself, just a normal, pretty girl who happened to make a living by having sex.

We went up to my room and we started by having a drink together (her suggestion). ‘You'd be surprised at some of the people I see - I view myself almost like a therapist’ she explained. She and I talked and she put me at ease; she listened to me and catered to me perfectly.

I was in just my pajama pants at this point, stomach-down on my bed, and she straddled me and got some lotion on my back. After a few minutes, she got up and stood in front of me and said ‘Every woman is a little insecure about her appearance, even me. I still feel a little weird sometimes with men watching me strip’. And so she did.

All the reader needs to know is that she managed to make it (relatively) smooth and natural. She may not even have been enjoying herself, but if not, she did a damn good job pretending. She was all about making the client happy.

I got a sampler of all kinds of different things. She told me what to do, guided the whole thing. I was able to joke around with this girl and she made it feel like the natural, enjoyable thing it should be. I went into it extremely nervous but felt much better after a few minutes with her - and by the end I felt great.

When she left I had a big smile on my face, but I was surprised by how unglamorous and non-dramatic it was. Sex became something good, but not a life-and-death issue as it had been before. It became just another part of life, thrilling but not the most thrilling thing in the world. The mystery behind it was gone - sliding my fingers into a woman, feeling her different fleshy areas, having her ride me, touching and seeing every part of her body didn't feel so strange or mysterious. Still highly enjoyable, but I noticed that it was purely physical - as it should have been and as I had expected. The feelings I had had in the past, spending time with girls I felt affection for as people or a strong desire for, had been more intense in some ways, more intoxicating.

I realized how, even though people glorify and idolize sex, it is an overrated good thing. Most good things are overrated I guess - sex is no exception. The people who brag about it or take the bragging tone when they talk about it are usually compensating for something (not that I am entirely innocent in this department; I've had my immature moments).

I actually had some bad experiences - two independent escorts that I had lined up didn't work out (the one had had a family emergency, the other just didn't pick up her phone when I called to confirm), and the second one I hired wasn't very good. She wore too much makeup, and you could tell her heart wasn't in it. She was very 'pay me, fuck me and I'm on my way' without any regard to doing it right. There is an art to sex; a girl who leaves her chewing gum in the condom wrapper on your desk is not a very good artist.

But even this taught me something - after getting over the awkwardness, I was glad I didn't have to see her ever again, I could distinguish a little better between good and bad sex, and I knew that it was okay to be a little more choosy about who I sleep with in the future. If that girl had been someone I knew personally, it would have been far worse. I was glad I had gotten my first 'bad sex' out of the way with a woman I didn't need to worry about. It's perfectly okay to turn down or pass up a hot girl who's a pain in the ass as far as personality goes - looks aren't everything. This second one had some better physical features but a horrible personality; it turned out that feeling and technique is a more important part of sex than I thought.

I still get annoyed when I see an immature and maybe slightly effeminate guy, fresh out of high school, with a stunning girl. But the bitterness is mostly gone; in the back of my mind I know she may well be no better than jacking off. She may be worse. She may be great, but who knows and who cares? Sex is not such a big deal after all - but of course you can't know that until after you've had it.

Before I did this, people told me sex wasn't a big deal. But until I experienced it for myself, it was annoying - sometimes infuriating - to have people try to preach to me.

‘Dude, sex is no big deal, just relax. It'll come one day.’ It was irritating to have people talk and not listen, to ignore my needs, to pretend to understand when they had no idea what I was going through.

They tried to persuade me with reason and arguments, but - as a few exceptional friends like Tyler knew and understood - only when I experienced it for myself could I know this.

It's important to have a couple of friends you can trust with this; it's important to honestly not feel ashamed about it; and be ready for some awkward moments - but remember, they're only really awkward if you can't laugh about them. Have a good sense of humor about it, and enjoy the feeling of having your first 'sex stories' for those times when the guys get together.

I'm glad I lost it on my own terms at a time and place of my choosing instead of leaving it to chance. No awkward conversations or 'I have to see this person every day in class', no major risk of being backstabbed, no risk of being cheated on, minimal emotional vulnerability. In retrospect, I'm confident it was the right decision.’

3 guys, 3 stories, 1 week.....

Way back in the day when all this began, I was itching to get this story for my book. Seeing as it seemed pretty unlikely that I would ever find a woman who had lost her virginity to a prostitute, (I live in hope), I turned to the male of the species instead. There must be a man out there somewhere who had done this deed – and was prepared to talk to me about it.

I searched high and low. I made bizarre phone calls to male friends in the dead of the night. Even if one of them hadn’t actually done it themselves, one of their friends might have. Not that I have an issue with this mind. I must make this clear. Having spent three years interviewing people face to face about the loss of virginity and another two communicating with all sorts of people via this blog - frequently male virgins who are desperate to lose their virginity - I could never begrudge someone the opportunity to avail themselves of virginity in this manner.

You’ll soon see why when you read some of the stories I am going to publish this week. The cloak of virginity is a bloody hard thing to wear in this day and age. Sex is everywhere and you could be fooled into thinking that absolutely everyone is doing it at every available opportunity – except you.

Of course, I know the truth. So many times during the course of my book interviews, I have got the feeling that people have agreed to talk to me, not just because they want to tell me about virginity loss, but also because they want to plump me for information about other people’s sex lives. They want to know that what other people think and feel is in line with their own activities. They need to know that they are normal. This sort of anxiety does not end with the loss of virginity. We all want to know that what we do is just as good as what everyone else does.

To this end, young men everywhere are desperate to find out what the big deal is all about. In the words of one of my correspondents this week, they feel like ‘outcasts’, or even ‘non-members of society’. And as one of this weeks stories will explain, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell someone to chill out, not to worry, that sex isn’t that much of a big deal…..it’s very easy to say that when you have had sex and they haven’t.

Which is all a way of telling you that last week I received not one story from a young man who had lost his virginity to a sex worker, but three. Three in a week. That’s unprecedented. Three stories from three very different people, so I will start with the (very) short one today, the longest one later in the week and the saddest last – because I want the sad guy to read the other two people’s stories and see if it will cheer him up.

Today’s correspondent titled his story ‘My Blonde Ambition’.

Dear Kate,

I am Ben, born on 3 April 1990. I'm originally from Malaysia and now living in Great Britain for over eight years. I am a student with Asperger's syndrome.

Not until the 8 December, I had never had a girlfriend, never kissed a woman, never dated a woman and never been close to having sex.

That's because of my Asperger's Syndrome and having difficulties with my social skills.

Just few weeks before the 8th December, I considered booking an escort to lose my virginity and gain confidence with women before I go to college in September.

I used to pleasure myself by reading adult magazines, watching adult movies and looking at pictures of blonde women.

On that day, I met a 34-year-old blonde woman called Diana. I won't go to the details but my first sexual encounter was great and I feel fulfilled sexually. It was better than my imagination because I touched her intimate parts and she touched me in return and it was great.

Therefore, I advise desperate people like me to follow suit for a memorable sexual experience and I am happy that I am no longer a virgin anymore.

I will see two or four more blonde escorts in the future so I can gain experience and confidence before I get my new girlfriend.

I will never forget Diana for the rest of my life

Yours sincerely,

Ben, 18 years old from Great Britain

Be VERY prepared....

Firstly, I would like to draw your attention back to Adrian’s blog. Not just because I love it, but also because I am itching to do something similar with The Virginity Project. Can you imagine a better way to get to the heart of a country than by travelling its length and breadth and asking its inhabitants to tell you about an experience that transcends age, era and cultural background? It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, the one thing that I can guarantee is that every single person you ever encounter has an interesting story to tell you about virginity loss. Even the ones who say ‘Oh my story’s not that interesting’. In fact, especially the ones who tell you their story isn't that interesting. They are usually the ones with the tales that'll make you blush.

Needless to say, The Virginity Project lies in bed every night, clutching a map of America to its breast and dreaming of fulfilling its deepest desire to interview the great and the good, (and possibly even the bad) of America. I have one taker already. The fabulous Susie Bright has invited me to step off the train at San Jose and interview her about her own experience, so who knows, my dream may yet come true.

Speaking of culture - and Adrian - who is cycling across America and playing Scrabble with the people that he meets, I keep meaning to write and tell him about the gaff he keeps making. He refers to his Scrabble playing meetings as ‘hooking up’. Adrian, hooking up doesn’t mean quite the same thing in America and unless you want to add a much more interesting (and, in my opinion, challenging) element to the games of Scrabble that you are playing, you might want to rethink your terminology.

Secondly, I heart this story. At times, being British can feel like a fag (there's another word that’s always worth misunderstanding). Until you read stuff like this that is. It’s a story about boy scouts being taught sex education as part of the scouting curricular. I love the fact that certain factions of the ‘establishment’ are open minded enough to say what they really think and get with the program. Because the fact is that boys of this age are thinking about having sex. They might not actually be doing it but you can bet your bottom dollar that they are at least planning to try at the earliest opportunity. The least we can do is to help them ‘be prepared’. Sorry, crappy joke that had to be made. 

Predictably, The Telegraph chose to quote the director of the Christian Voice campaign group in response to this story.

"They should be encouraging young people in their care to have respect for girls and live a life of chastity and fidelity," said Stephen Green, national director of the Christian Voice campaign group.

Once again, I am staggered at how much people feel the need to disable young people by not telling them the facts about sex. And just to give you an idea of what a boy scout is capable of if he really puts his mind to it, I posted the following conversation on this very blog last year:

'It went something like this….

Creative guy: Are you here next week?

Me: No.

Creative guy: What are you doing?

Me: My own work.

Creative guy: What’s that then?

I explain what I do with the rest of my life.

Him: Uh, really? God, you should hear the story about how my kid brother got rid of his virginity…

Me: Oh yes, how’s that then?

Creative guy:  He went on a scout trip to Holland and lost his virginity to a prostitute.

Me: Excuse me?

Creative guy: Yes, he was thirteen and he lost his virginity to a prostitute on a scout camp trip……..’

I rest my case. The fact of the matter is that young people will have sex whether we tell them to or not so we may as well arm them with as much information – and contraception  – as possible. Like we ever listened to a word our parents ever said when they told us not to do stuff? And like it’s really any different now? I don’t think so.

Sign me up...

Having spent a lifetime not recognizing quite basic forms of flirtation from the opposite sex (note: for any potential suitors, you may have to make yourselves obvious, when I say obvious, I mean installing green traffic light signals outside my house type obvious), my heart goes out to this week’s story teller. Nineteen year old Christopher is a teenager. He differs in no other way to you or me, except that he is Autistic.

This is a condition that amongst other things, affects the perception of quite basic non verbal communication. The ‘playing hard to get’ routines of the average teenager would be lost on the Autistic youth. The casual signals that you and I (usually) read would be invisible to the Autistic eye. Christopher explains it thus:

‘I have trouble with women. They tend to be very subtle which of course is entirely lost on me along with their non-verbal signals. I have difficulty recognising the significance of expressions and gestures as well as the more implicit language features – intonation and stress, etc.’

And we think we have a hard time!

Christopher has adopted what some may consider a radical solution to this problem. He has taken the bull by the horns, saved up some cash and taken the short cut. Christopher chose to lose his virginity to an escort. I applaud his brave, pragmatic approach. These qualities will serve him well as he prepares to leave home and go to university, a bold step by anyone’s standards. Here is his story…

‘Dear Kate,

I've been considering sending you an e-mail for some time now but have only recently plucked up the courage.

Until the 25th of May, 2007 I had never had a girlfriend, never kissed a woman, never held hands, never touched, and never came close to having sex. On this day I had a two hour appointment with a beautiful twenty-five year-old escort who went by the name of Dannie.

I've always struggled with social interaction, particularly with the opposite sex. This is due to having mild autism and also having suffered extreme levels of bullying throughout most of my life. I am generally considered very handsome and do not have a shortage of women interested in me but I don't have the social skills or the confidence to do anything about it - although I am working on it and feel my virginity-loss experience has helped immensely.

The idea of using an escort for my first time had been in my head for about a year but I had not seriously considered it until my eighteenth birthday on the 4th February 2007. Roughly a week before meeting Dannie, I phoned the agency which she worked for. They were friendly and put me on to the escort I had selected (which I wasn't prepared for and, unfortunately, nearly hyperventilated just speaking to her).

The day came and I took a taxi to the city where she was based. I arrived at her flat and took about ten minutes to bring myself to ring her door bell. When I did, I was greeted by Dannie who was even more stunning in real life than in her photos. Five foot nine tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, very soft features, and large, supple breasts (I hope that doesn't sound crude, if so I apologise).

She greeted me warmly with a kiss on the cheek, (the closest I'd ever got to a woman) and invited me inside. I handed her the envelope of money (£250), she invited me to sit down and offered me a drink of wine which I accepted. She went to the kitchen to pour the drinks, and presumably check the money also.

Dannie returned with the drinks and we talked for about fifteen minutes; just general chit-chat. She asked me to come to the bedroom, but I sheepishly asked for another drink which she obliged. When pouring the drink she asked 'Christopher . . . are you a virgin?' I answered that I was, something which I'd never admitted to anyone before and had always vehemently denied when previously questioned. She talked to me reassuringly as I drank and then led me to the bedroom.

I won't go into details but the rest of the appointment was amazing and intimate though we were basically strangers, we spoke more during and after which was, again, very intimate and personal. I left the appointment having received one last kiss, and wearing a grin which didn't fade for a few months and still returns when I reminisce.

I was extremely relieved to be free of the bonds of adult male virginity. As clichéd as this may sound, I felt like I had removed the weight of the world from my shoulders. I have since become much more confident in communicating with people. I still haven't had a meaningful relationship with a non-paid woman, though I have seen two other escorts since which, though not as special as the first, have served to make me more confident with women.

Although I was only eighteen at the time, and am only nineteen now, I could not and cannot see myself ever having had sex or a relationship without having seen an escort; I needed this. I will be going to University in September and hope to have a fresh start and, hopefully, forge new friendships and pursue a meaningful relationship with a woman. I will never forget Dannie and do not regret my decision to pay for the experience.

Yours sincerely,

Christopher, 19 years old, from England'

Given the prevalence Autism, I had to ask Christopher what advice he might offer to someone else considering this course of action. He answered with the following nuggets….

‘I would say that it's important to keep an open mind and be willing to learn, or more importantly, be willing to be taught. My first time I left my socks on and was jokingly scolded for it, we laughed and I didn't do it again. So, yeah, I'd say don't take things too seriously; be light-hearted in your approach and humility never hurt.

I'd also advise to aim to experience a variety of different women, not just one age group, ethnicity, background, et cetera. I've been with a tall blonde twenty five year-old, a medium height black-haired thirty year-old, and a short brunette thirty eight year-old. All of them brought a new and totally different experience.

Finally, I'd say if you're looking to use a sex worker to gain experience/ lose virginity/ whatever, then be sure to research them. Check previous clients' reviews, the reliability of the agency/girl, and remember that you generally get what you pay for. Also, I'd recommend a minimum booking of two hours, particularly for your first time; it gives you more time to relax and get to know the woman on some level.’

Wise words.

However you feel about Christopher’s choice, it is interesting to note that despite the fact that he lives with a condition that excludes him from the bore of standing on social ceremony, he is still prepared to go to great lengths to rid himself of his virginal status. He goes on to say this:

‘Now that I'm not a virgin I feel much more confident and happy in all aspects of life. As bizarre as this no doubt sounds, the moment I stopped being a virgin was the moment my confidence and general happiness increased ten-fold.’

You can’t argue with that.

Note: all names changed to protect identity.