‘I stumbled across your blog today after hearing about your book on Dan Savage's podcast. I think your project is a really cool idea. I wanted to tell you my virginity loss story because it's a good one and there isn't much occasion to tell it.’
Never a truer word spoken. How often do you get the chance to regale a total stranger with the story of your first fumbling attempts at sexual intercourse? Not often enough in my opinion. Not only that, but in another first, we feature that rarer-than-hen’s-teeth-tale today: the amusing virginity loss story. I won’t bang on about it but I don’t get a lot of these so make the most of it.
Finally, in a shout out to nerds of the world, here is living proof of that most thrilling of facts…..chicks definitely dig nerds.
‘To frame things, I'm kind of an introverted nerdy guy, so in high school while I had friends and so on, I was pretty awkward and definitely didn't hit it off with the ladies. I figured I would play a bunch of soccer, play a bunch of video games, do well in school, and try to figure out the whole love thing in college. Then, in the summer between grade 11 and 12, I got this sweet job as a summer camp counselor at a sleep away camp teaching kayaking, Magic: the Gathering, and Dungeons and Dragons. I usually leave out these last two when describing this job to people, but I feel here this information serves to make a point. I realize you may need to look them up ... I am a giant nerd.
So in this job, I hung out with a bunch of kids, ran around with them, and nerded out with them. It was great, in many ways the best job ever. Then, I met this girl who was teaching pottery at the same camp. She was hot and smart, and more astoundingly to my 17 year old brain, seemed like she was into me. She laughed at things I said. She asked me about things that other people would try to get me to shut up about. She seemed happy to see me and be around me. She was artistic and so much more outgoing than me. We had fun just joking around and doing nothing. Of course, despite being head over heels for this girl, I had no idea how to proceed to make any kind of move; I had never even kissed a girl. Luckily, she was a couple years older and a bit more experienced.
We were hanging out by the lake on a night off and she confronted me with all kinds of awkward questions, like whether I was into her, whether I had kissed a girl before, whether I wanted to kiss her specifically. Somehow she seemed to find my stuttering admissions and beet red face cute or something. Then we made out a bunch. And she taught me how to be less bad at it. I was spending a lot of time embarrassed, but was I ever loving this job….
A few days later we had an even more embarrassing conversation about having sex. She was so collected. I can't even imagine the look and color of my face. Again however, she seemed to think my inexperience was endearing or some such. On my next day off, I drove the couple hours to the nearest town for a package of condoms and then I waited for the next night we both had off together. Those were the longest two days of my life. My excitement grew and grew until it was finally the day. We waited until well after all the campers would be in bed (2am or so), went down to a very romantic secluded grassy beach near the lake, talked a bit, and made out some more. She explained how I would probably be really quick, being my first time and all, so she wanted to get off first. That seemed fair so I got to learn about how to give oral sex. She seemed happy to give me very specific instructions, which was good.
What seemed like an hour or so later, exhausted in muscles I didn't even really realize my tongue had, I got her to climax and we were ready for my turn. I was so excited. I moved on top of her, we kissed a bunch more, and finally the moment I had built up in my mind, I entered her.
It felt so good. I was in heaven. The feeling of the grass between my toes and the wind on my back, it all just went away.
That's when things went all pear shaped.
After maybe 30 seconds of bliss, there was a brilliant flash and the loudest clap of thunder I had ever heard. I jumped right out of her in startlement. Then we started to hear something falling, but it didn't sound quite like rain. Bigger and heavier and more solid. And sure enough I got hit square in the back by something big, hard and cold. Now I had never been in a hailstorm before, so it took a second to figure out what was going on. (Also, who ever heard of hail in July? WTF!?) And these hail stones were big. Not quite golf ball sized, but not much smaller than that either. And they hurt; a welt raising, bruising kind of hurt. She huddled under me for a few seconds then we made a mad dash pulling on clothes and running for our respective bunks. I showed up back at the bunk in jeans, only jeans. No shirt. No socks.
No shoes. No underwear.
Of course the hail, followed by my getting back out of breath, woke up a bunch of the campers who immediately started asking what was going on,
where I was, where my cloths were, and why I was covered in big red welts. I made up some story about being out swimming in the dark and getting caught in the storm (which the other counselor seemed to know was bull poo). Around this time I realized that inside my jeans my now flaccid penis was still in a condom which had become plastered to my inner thigh and was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. At that point, I just cracked up laughing. I was laughing and laughing to the point of crying, and obviously I couldn't tell anyone what was so funny. I waited out the storm and went back to collect our clothes thoroughly frustrated, but with a certain amusement that comes of the minor train wrecks in life. Those times when you can say ‘why me!?’ but really everything is fine.
Thankfully, we got a few more chances at it before the end of the summer, none of which ended in a hailstorm.
Anyway, that is my first time story. I hope you find it as funny as I do.
Cheers,
Scott*
*name changed to protect 'Scotts' identity.
