The Virginity Project

Goddammit I have had some interesting stories and emails from you whilst I have been sunning myself on a hot island. You are a fascinating bunch. It’s hard to choose which one to feature first but I’m going for this one. Partly, I admit, because it’s another ‘first time’ for me. My first Haitian-American story. Not that that’s of any consequence because the themes, as ever, are international. When it comes to virginity loss, it doesn’t matter what language you speak or what cultural background you relate to, people are people. And people have hormones.

It also occurs to me that I never really tell you what I say to the people who write to me because I do always say something. I can’t help it. I have morphed quite naturally into the role of agony aunt, even when people aren’t actually asking for advice. ‘Oh the irony of modern life’, I wrote to Martha. ‘Here you are, a fit, healthy young woman with a healthy and natural interest in sex and you can't find a man to be 'the first'. I went on to point out that she differed from many young women – and men – who write to me in one critical way. She isn’t seeking The Great Love Of Her Life. She just wants a nice, sexy, intelligent man with whom to share this important step.

Easier said than done. Martha goes on to quote some interesting stats about the probability of leading a single life. She’s got a point. It’s a hot topic and I love that she’s not unduly worried about this. ‘I know women in their early twenties’, I told her, ‘who are hysterical about the fact that they haven’t yet met The One’. We are conditioned to believe that this is the only way. That our lives are not complete or full, that in fact, it’s a slightly sub-standard option to be enjoying your life unless you are enjoying it with your other half. Martha is unlikely to be burdened by such limiting thought processes but she does still have a dilemma. And clearly not one that will be solved by picking up a ‘random’ as you guys occasionally call them (I love that phrase).

I suggested, rather un-originally, to Martha that finding ‘a first’ or a virginity breaker as she calls it (not so keen on that phrase), is a numbers game. You need to get in front of as many different 'potentials' as possible. Therefore could online dating be an option? She wrote back and gave me various different (and perfectly valid) reasons why that might not work and ended up with ‘but then again, I’m not really looking for love so I probably should just get over it and join a dating site.’

When she does, perhaps she might write back to us and tell us what happens next. Watch this space people. I know I am.

'Born: 1985 Country: United States (Haitian American)

Dear Kate,

Where do I begin? I’m twenty-six, due to be twenty-seven in May and I’M STILL A VIRGIN! Most of the stories on your blog seem to be about how people lost their virginity; my story is about my goal to lose it ASAP.  In fact, I ran into your blog after googling ‘how to lose your virginity.’

That’s not all. I’ve never been in a relationship. I can count on one hand the times I’ve kissed a guy which incidentally almost always took place when I was stupid drunk.  I feel so pathetic that I’ve never told a friend about this. I am the definition of pent up sexual frustration.

I grew up in a very strict and religious Haitian home and in my teen years I actually became very active in the Mormon church of my own choosing. I was going through some difficult times at home and the church really helped me through some of those moments. But even then I didn’t expect to be a Virgin Mary and I had no plans of waiting for marriage to have sex.  It’s too ironic because I’m pretty sure I was thinking about sex way before it was appropriate to do so, even by today’s standards.

When I was still in grade school, I used to imagine falling in love and having passionate sex with my lover. I clearly remember getting in trouble because I used to act out love scenes and one time my mother caught me making out with my arm….embarrassing. But in my defense, I was only eight or nine.  I’ve always been a passionate romantic but I was also pretty wise for my years. I found my mother’s advice to save my virginity for my future husband highly unlikely, but I thought it was a good idea to wait for when I was a bit older and more mature…but, never did I think that I’d be approaching my Late 20’s STILL A VIRGIN!

To be honest, I’ve given up on the romance part of the plan. I’ve come to terms that not everyone is meant to be in a relationship. According to the U.S Census Bureau 2007, there are 56 million Americans who have always been single, representing roughly 60% of the adult unmarried population. There are 99.6 million unmarried people over the age of 18 in the U.S, representing nearly 44%of the adult population (http://www.unmarried.org/statistics.html). These numbers are not depressing to me, it’s just an indication that the world is changing so therefore, the way we do things must also change. I don’t know what the future has in store for me, but I am determined to lead a happy life as a single woman, as I do not want to depend on others for my happiness the way my mother has always done.

I do however, really want to have sex.  Apparently no amount of masturbating or vibrator can make up for the real thing. This is driving me crazy. I wish I could be the type who could just go out there, pick up some random guy and take him home…but I simply can’t. Trust me, I’ve tried. I even took this taxi driver home one night, and we made out for several hours, the whole time hoping that I’d get excited enough to want to rip off my clothes and have him plunge into me. But it wasn’t like that; I could hardly stand him on me and eventually I had to stop.

I don’t need the candlelight and I don’t need the love, but I want it to be special enough for it to be enjoyable.  I want to briefly connect; in good conversation, intelligent flirting, and great fore-play with someone who is patient and willing to explore with me. I guess, what I want is a good sex mentor. I admit, what I want is pretty specific. The things I want from a sex mentor are similar to what I’d want from a potential boyfriend but minus the commitment. Are those requirements the root of my mistake in this approach? Do you have any suggestions? I’m beginning to think that my search for a virginity breaker is just as challenging as the search for a good boyfriend. One I can live without, the other I can’t.'

The Virginity Project is up, about and fully functioning at 07.48 on a Saturday morning. Unusual…but I’m going on holiday tomorrow morning and I’m excited.

I first woke bright eyed and bushy tailed at midnight. I looked at the clock and realised that I had been asleep for precisely one hour. Great. I then crashed until 4.30am and woke with a raging hunger. One bowl of cereal and two earplugs to shut the birds out later, I was back in bed. With nothing to do. What is it about that time of the morning that turns your brain into a living jukebox? And it’s always the songs that I hate most that are stuck on repeat. Alongside an audio list of all the things I need to do tomorrow: wash, iron, pack, blog, finish emails and other activities of life changing importance – whilst simultaneously discussing the relative merits of the five books I want to take on holiday that need to be whittled down to four – with MYSELF………..I’m not complaining. It’s all very firmly stuck into the ‘first world problems’ basket. These are elegant issues to have and I’m a very lucky person. But still, I do have to get up at 3am again tomorrow morning to go to the airport…..
 
In the meantime, it never rains it pours. You get one email from Malaysia, you get ten. A slight exaggeration but you get my drift. I’ve had two stories from Malaysia in as many weeks and this is the second.  Asides from a tiny bit of editing, I have left this story as it is because I believe that in doing so, I’ll retain the voice of its teller.

She asks me at the end to choose her a good pseudonym and I’ll go with ‘Hope’. I admire her ability to pick herself up, to talk, to cry, to do whatever it takes and to retain some faith that things will get better. And they do. You don’t need to be religious to know that faith is a valuable asset. This isn’t the easiest of stories but it is a story of hope.


‘Dear Kate,

I stumbled upon your virginity project blog and I spent some time thinking if I should contribute my story. You see, mine isn't a typical story and I'm wondering if you've heard some other stories that resembled mine... Anyway, here goes:

Born: 1980, Lost it: 2001, Country of origin: Malaysia

I always knew that I wanted to wait until getting married before losing my virginity... it would be my gift to my husband, and i've always thought that i would have fun making up for lost time... when i was studying in college doing my diploma i had a boyfriend and we would have (literally) sleepovers and fooled around, but we never went the whole way... and then i left for overseas to further my education for my degree... i met this guy and we hung out at his place (which is conveniently across the street from mine) quite often, and he knew of my virgin status and told me he's cool with it... well, one night in nov 2011 he decided he's no longer cool with it and wouldn't take no for an answer (both of us sober)... he penetrated me vaginally, and later, sodomized me as well when he knew that i wouldn't fight back... i felt detached from my body, and it felt like i was watching from afar... it hurt, i was not ready, there was no gentleness, no loving words, no comfort... he's around my age, and he was big sized (abt 1.8m and almost 90 kgs compared to my 1.65m and 63kg frame)... i left his place feeling dirty, and i remember sitting in the bathtub trying to scrub him away from my body

It affected my studies and my social life as well... i became afraid of bumping into him on campus, and smelling the perfume he wore when that incident happened freaked me out even though i was off campus... the outfit i was wearing got banished to the back of a cupboard... a few close guy friends whom i told of it was extremely protective of me, making sure that i wasn't left alone at any time when the chances of bumping into him would be higher... i told a girl friend abt it and was promptly blamed for letting it happen and that was the end of my friendship with her... i went on a spree, trying to 'play like a man', with no emotions involved... after realizing that it's not helping me heal, i opened up to a female colleague who in turn told our boss, who promptly made an appointment for me to meet with the head of the counselling dept... it took months of work before i could move on and not feel like 'damaged' goods... my parents didn't know abt this until 6 mths later, when the counsellor told me gently that it would help my healing process if they knew and could support me...

fast forward to 2005, i had returned to my home country and started work... i dated this nice chap whom i pursued greatly (i knew him since college) and we started sleeping together very shortly into our relationship... he knew of what happened but in the end things didn't work out and i dumped him 6 mths later... this was when i considered to have lost my 'virginity' as i knew full well what i was doing, and there were emotions in the picture as well... try as i might, i could not get an orgasm with him...in hindsight, this relationship was very lopsided as i was making most of the effort to meet up and being the pursuer, i was taken for granted... it took me more than 4 yrs to get over him, and during that time, i was single and very celibate... my theory on why it took me so long to get over it was that he was the first guy whom i slept with that i loved...

On a happier note, i met somebody on a flight back from a trip last year and the chemistry was immediate... we spent the entire flight chatting, and upon landing, made plans to meet... we met for dinner almost a week later, and 2 weeks after that, on my birthday, we talked abt our respective sexual past and that was when i knew we would end up sleeping together... the next day, we spent a lot of time texting (ok, sexting) each other, i told him about the rape over a phone call, because i wanted him to know what he's getting himself into (i came with baggage), and more importantly, that i never had an orgasm that is not a DIY orgasm... he was conducting a training in a university (they gave him a room to refresh himself) and he stated that he would like to see me to ascertain that i'm ok after what i told him... when i told him that i should be fine because it's been 10 yrs, he quietly told me that there is no fixed time frame to get over such situations...  anyway i went to see him, and i freaked out when i arrived, as there were 2 single beds in the room, i was afraid that i had put myself in the same situation as before, that he would just push me down to the bed and rape me... thankfully he did no such thing, although he gave me a nice long hug and told me it's nice to see me again….we made out a bit, and he left to continue on with his training... when i told him later i freaked out abt seeing the beds, he calmly said that although the beds were there, the timing was not right and there was no need to rush... he also told me that he knew we'd end up sleeping together on the night of my birthday itself, and that we'll just have to go with the flow, no pressure, no rushing... we discussed my inability to have an orgasm that was not a DIY, and he made it his mission to give me one...

When he finally did, i cried, and he held me in his arms and talked me through it... i felt so vulnerable, yet safe, for the first time... it was in this safety that i feel safe enough to explore my sexuality with him (him having loads more experience than me, being older as well), and we've talked abt it as well... hopefully it all ends well...

So here's my story, kate, and it's a tale of betrayal, redemption, and hope... i mean, i can't change what's happened, but i can try to move on and not let it ruin my life (sexually, at least)... i don't know if you'll put it up on your blog, but if you do, pls think of a good nickname for me :)'