Inside out...

Once again, here is the acknowledgment that having penetrative sex for the first time - which is, after all, the way that most of us define the ‘loss’ of our virginity - can be a total non-event. What often sticks in our memories, as it does for today’s story teller, are other, more emotionally resonant moments.

Sharing a sleeping space with another human being for the first time can be a big deal. Taking your clothes off together is unforgettable. Going through the physical motions of having technical sex for the first time can mean little in comparison. It’s down to the individual. What means something to one person can mean nothing to the next. Which is why judging women for having broken hymens is so mind-crushingly pointless, fake and judgmental, not to mention misogynistic. Crikey, how did I get here?

I guess I’m saying that the loss of virginity and the way that we define it is a very personal thing. No one else should have a say in the matter. But unfortunately it seems that they do. Not for today’s story teller though….

‘I'm from the UK and I am 20 years old. I lost my virginity just over a year ago when I was 19.  I actually ended up, in a bizarre twist of fate, losing my virginity to my first boyfriend.  We dated when we were 14 and then when we were 15... and when we were 16... but it was never serious, and throughout sixth form I was involved in this torturous long distance relationship with this chiseled, handsome guy but I had strict parents, he had strict parents, so it was a lot of kissing in Trafalgar Square and St Pancreas Station and then he would go home and I would sigh over him and nothing ever really came of it.

So I was as surprised as anyone, after he dumped me (because he got religion and I was giving him 'impure' thoughts) to meet a new guy in my first week at university.  We started dating straight away and as we were both completely inexperienced, didn't rush stuff.  We progressed through the bases in a couple of months but then term ended and we went home for Christmas... and he didn't call once!  I was so cross and I called him and asked why/tried to find out if there was someone else etc etc but there wasn't. He was just so laid back he was on the point of falling over. 

I was so mad that I stopped all sexual stuff between us and without it the problems with the relationship became quite clear and it ended at the start of the summer term.  Over the summer I briefly dated someone else but it never got far enough to have sex.  And then suddenly, summer was ending and I was turning nineteen and I'd never had sex!  None of my friends had either because most of them were religious and the rest went to girls' boarding schools so suffered from a severe lack of opportunity, but I really did sort of want to, but not with a random. 

And then my first boyfriend came back into my life.  We'd been friends the whole time, but had been really busy.  And wow.  Chemistry, fireworks.  The night we had our first drink we ended up kissing in the alleyway next to the bus stop and I knew I wanted him.  Things headed south and when he came to visit me at university a couple of months later we had sex.  It was my first time but he had had one previous partner.  It was quite underwhelming actually and hurt a lot, and he totally guessed but promised me it would be better in future and it was but then I found out he was sleeping with a man so we split up, which was sad, but I've had lots of fun with other people since. 

I think my story is probably about as average as they come, but what I wanted to say was that when I think about it, the two moments which I found to be the biggest watersheds in my life were the moment when my university boyfriend and I first were naked together and slept in a bed together - it was a really big moment for me and felt like more of a change than losing my virginity, and the last time I slept with my most recent ex-boyfriend when I knew that this make up sex wouldn't be makeup sex and this was the end, because I wanted to save up all the memories I could and it was a very emotional moment.  Plus sex is better for me now.  But for me I don't really feel that losing your virginity is all about those five minutes with someone when you actually have sex for the first time - maybe because a lot of my friends are gay, or because I was in a 6 month sexual relationship but didn't have sex, or because every time I sleep with someone new in a relationship (only 3 times so far) it feels like losing my virginity all over again because I get nervous and flustered and excited.  But I'm also really glad I waited because having the experience with my first boyfriend, who is now my best friend was so much fun and he was so excited and appreciative and my uni boyfriend just wasn't that fussed. 

So that is my story.  I also had lots of random sex this term because I was trying to be cool, and that was just lame because sex with people you don't fancy and trust is just a physical and mental failure with me.  So now I'm waiting for a relationship where I actually fancy and trust and they won't know what hit them!  I hope this is not a stupidly long email but I have EXTREMELY religious parents who would kill me if they knew I'd had sex and all my friends are jealous and won't talk about it.  I also hope you can tell the boys apart but I didn't want to use their names as they are posh twats mostly with unusual names.

From Lara.’

Comments

[Charles]

Hi Lara, it sounds like you are probably unaware as to the reason that a woman's virginity is so important, so I thought I'd share with you what I've learned. It's not because it will be some great orgasmic time or an unforgettable experience, for example, like you infer. That is, it won't be unless you properly understand the meaning of the action of losing your virginity. These things actually have nothing to do with losing your virginity. Sex for the first time with a virgin constitutes a blood covenant between the man and the woman. This is the oldest and most serious of human contracts, which, if a person breaks, there are very serious penalties. So it's a contract that is simply not broken. It's the same type of contract that God made with Abram when He passed between the flesh in Genesis 15:12-21 in order to confirm/seal His promise to him. This is why virginity is so important. This is the reason there is such a thing as virginity in the first place. The hymen is part of a God-given system that makes two people one for life.

[The Virginity Project]

Charles, I think its important to preface your words with in my opinion because this is, after all, just one point of view when it comes to the importance - or not - of virginity. Some might argue that it has a more practical provenance i.e. a womans virginity was one way of ensuring that property got transferred to the correct heir and not some interloper. Marrying a virgin was a good way of doing this. Its also critical to remember that judging a womans virginity - if we must judge at all - on whether or not she bleeds is ridiculous. Lots of women were not born with hymens and for those that were, they can be broken in all sorts of non sexual ways - long before she has sexual intercourse for the first time.