Spring fever...

Sometimes I read a story and think to myself, oh cripes, this isn’t going to end well, and then I am surprised. Surprised by the young people who write to me and wage these very private battles all by themselves. Losing virginity, even in our modern hi tech world is still a massive deal. No matter how much we may have been given the moral permission to get on with it in a way that our parents were never allowed to, losing your virginity is a big step forwards. This is because the dynamics of this exchange can never alter, despite our access to information, help and advice. You will always be the person who steps nervously, and, presumably, nakedly, into an incredibly intimate situation with another human being for the very first time and with very little idea of what that is going to feel like, emotionally, physically and mentally.  You can read the stories on this website all day long and you can plan in your mind how your own story might unfold but a little like childbirth, (I imagine), you will never really know what this experience feels like until you, well, feel it.

 

Tara’s story is full of hopes, dilemmas and at times, quite worrying themes but they are themes that will concern every single woman who has ever thought about losing her virginity. ‘I was worried that if everyone knew I was a virgin, they would think of me as stuck-up, a prude, and undesirable’. Now, this is something that my mother’s generation might not have worried about so much. Virginity was not the stigma then that it is for many young people now. I get emails by the cartload from young people expressing sentiments almost identical to Tara’s. But she then follows this up by saying something that most definitely would have worried my mother…’If they thought I had had sex many times, I might be seen as a slut or too experienced…’ Clearly the double standard is alive and kicking. The virgin/whore myth has not been buried. You are dammed if you do and you are dammed if you don’t. How many more clichés can I find to describe a scenario that has bugged women for, like, forever?

It’s the way of the world. It’s an evolutionary dilemma as much as anything else. Men need women in order to procreate and at the end of the day, they need women’s buy in for that to happen. Propagating the prude/stuck up/undesirable theme is, therefore, advantageous to men. Who am I kidding? I would do exactly the same if I were a bloke! But actually, there will be no ranting from me today. Spring has sprung, its my birthday weekend, there are so many different reasons to celebrate and what I like most about this story is…..the ending.

‘Losing my virginity was not the experience I had expected it to be. I did not wake up a different person. I didn’t become any less special or desirable than any other girl’

There is it, short, sweet and to the point. Because despite everything, virginity changes very little in the general scheme of things. Despite the fact that for much of the female population, virginity loss can still cost them their reputation and from time to time, much worse, nothing actually happens when you have sex for the first time. The world does not stop spinning on its axis, birds do not fall from the trees, the sun is not blocked by an eclipse…life simply goes on as it did before. You might feel slightly more knowledgeable. For the stigmatized amongst us – those for whom the experience of virginity was akin to being tarred, feathered and paraded naked through your local village – there might even be a sense of relief but for the most part, virginity loss is just the first of many interesting sexual steps you will take in your life.

But then of course, if this were entirely true, I wouldn’t get sent so many stories to this blog…and neither would you be reading them. We hitch a whole bunch of stuff to virginity loss – for all sorts of different reasons - but lets not forget, it is only the first time. There will be plenty more to come. Make them all count, not just this one. 

Tara

 

‘When I would spend my summer nights dreaming about life at college - the wild parties, my new dorm room, my classes - I never gave much thought to the struggles I would face. And certainly the last struggle I thought I would face, if I even considered it a struggle at all, was losing my virginity. Sure, I was going to college an 18-year-old virgin, but did I think within the first two months of being there I would lose it? Moreover, did I think it would actually mean something to me if I did? These questions didn’t cross my mind, but I was confronted with them sooner than I would have ever imagined.

In high school, I was seen as that pretty girl who was innocent, but definitely not a virgin. It was just assumed of me; no one ever really took the time to ask except for my closest friends. Having been in a long-term relationship for a year and two other serious relationships, how could those guys not have had sex with a girl like me? Well-liked, easy going and attractive? I was always bothered by the assumptions people made about my virginity, but I didn’t think having everyone know I hadn’t had sex was a better alternative. I was worried that if everyone knew I was a virgin, they would think of me as stuck-up, a prude, and undesirable. Put that next to ‘she’s way too pretty for me’ or ‘she must be dating someone already’ on the list of reasons why guys are shy about asking me out. I didn’t need another reason for them to turn away from going out with me. At the same time, if they thought I had had sex many times, I might be seen as a slut or too experienced.

The one thing that I did like about being a virgin was the appeal I felt it had. I wanted a guy to feel like he had something to chase after, or that no one else but him was good enough to have me, or that it was that something that made me different, even better, than those other pretty girls who had already had sex. I felt it gave me an upper edge if the guy knew I was one. If he didn’t, none of this applied and I felt extremely insecure about it.

The decision to not have sex was one that I never gave too much thought to. I was always being pressured to have sex by different guys but I just said no, expressing it in a way that I hoped would make the guy feel as thought I had said ‘yes.’ (Did this require a serious amount of teasing and leading on? Oh, yes) I didn’t contemplate why I said no - I just knew it either wasn’t a guy I wanted to have it with or to just be a tease. On the times where it got very close, I remember feeling apprehensive about the person I was going to lose it to - maybe I didn’t know him well enough - or feeling as if it was just too soon. No matter how it happened, I made the decision against it and didn’t second-guess myself consciously. 

Given all of these opportunities to have sex and having almost entirely best friends who were sexually active, how did I imagine I would lose my virginity? I felt pretty assured that it wouldn’t be with any old random guy or a one night stand. I didn’t want to hold out for marriage, but if it ended up being that way I knew I would be okay with it. Up until I lost my virginity, I think I felt sure that I would lose my virginity to my friend and boyfriend for a while, Tom. We had been best friends who were always very sexually attracted to one other and completely open about it. We dated on and off and were always intimate, when dating and not. We loved each other. We had somehow managed to go four years without having sex. Maybe it was the on and off quality of our sexual relationship, or that it was something we were going to wait until the right moment for. Maybe because it was difficult for us to get a moment truly alone. Regardless, whenever I was intimate with another guy, I had him in the back of my mind, which certainly may have played a role in keeping me a virgin.

In college, I was again confronted with the same things I was up until then, the same assumptions, the same pressure. Why would anything be different here given all of these things were the same? Well, they were.

My teaching assistant for the dance class I was in asked me out on a date a month and a half into my freshman year. We were only three years apart and I found him attractive, so I said yes. A week later, and ready for another chase, we went out together. Back at his place, I was again confronted with the decision to either give in to the pressure or resist. He assumed I wasn’t a virgin, so the decision making process was a battle waged entirely in my own mind. Initially, I stuck to my old game: being a tease, and only working to increase the pressure. This time, something changed though. My thoughts paused long enough for me to ask myself the question, why not? Having never articulated and clearly understood my reasons for being a virgin, I had no reason to give. I gave in; losing my virginity (whatever it meant to me at that point) to a man I barely knew, had only gone on one date with and was my teacher. Not exactly what I had pictured, but not something I regretted.

Waking up the next morning, I wasn’t sad or upset. It was a good night and I felt okay about my decision. I knew, in my own eyes and in others, it may not have been the best or right decision, but looking back, it was the right decision for me in the moment. It was a moment where I began to really reflect upon my decision to be a virgin, what it meant to me and what motivated me to stay one. It opened up my eyes to look deeper into myself and see who I am as a person. Though I didn’t love him, or truly know him, I held no shame or regret about my decision, which both surprised and relieved me at the same time.

Losing my virginity was not the experience I had expected it to be. I did not wake up a different person. I didn’t become any less special or desirable than any other girl. I didn’t lose my sense of self and what I feel is right even though it was not what I planned. I even enjoyed it. I took away more about who I am and what I value than what I gave away. Though I am still sorting out what it meant to me and exploring day by day the impact of that decision, I have begun to understand a few things I consider fundamental. There is no right way, wrong way, right time or wrong time to lose your virginity; having sex should be a decision you make for yourself not one that is made for you; having sex with someone you are not in love with is okay; & finally, the decisions you make for yourself should be what’s right for you, not for somebody else.’

Comments

[beth]

'The decisions you make for yourself should be what’s right for you, not for somebody else'. That's why I felt like a newborn, a virgin, when I yielded to C. My V'day, my unbirthday too.
Happt B'day Kate,
Big Eth