The Virginity Project

To be or not to be.....

Whoops! The Virginity Project took an accidental sabbatical. Once again, the day job took over the show but it’s all over now and I am on the hunt again for my next freelance contract. Meanwhile, I had this interesting exchange with a young American woman….This week’s storyteller makes so many interesting points about sex and virginity that it’s hard to know where to begin. The point that stands out a mile for me is when she tells us how shocked she was to discover that there was a word to describe the state of never having had sex – or the ‘default’ state as she calls it.This must be an odd thing to discover at the age of eight. That one is not just an eight-year-old child but that one also a virgin. One has been tagged, labeled and defined. You have barely taken your first breathe in the general context of your life, and yet, you are already a ‘virgin’. Perhaps this is where the anxiety kicks in, the anxiety of being apart, of being separate, of entertaining the very real possibility that you might be different to your fellow human beings. The horror! And as she points out, its not like you gain another label when you finally do the deed. You just cease to be a ‘virgin’.Our storyteller really nails this concept when she says that later on, she begins to feel ashamed about her lack of sexual activity, about her perceived inability to move beyond her virgin status. This is where The Virginity Project really gained some traction because there could not be a richer – or more uncomfortable - seam to mine. Not that I planned it that way, it’s just that I have always received a lot of mail from people who have not lost their virginity – and feel awful about it.Because make no mistake, the pressure is on, even if you are not aware of it. So much of what surrounds us is transmitting the non-verbal message that to be sexual is to be cool, that by jumping into the fray and taking part that you are also a fully functioning sexual member of society.Of course, time and many interviews have proved to me that being sexual and losing virginity are not mutually exclusive but try telling that to someone who does feel different, who does feel excluded because they have not ‘joined the club’ so to speak.Asides from pressure, there is also good old fashioned desire to contend with, and not just in terms of general ‘relief,’ for as our story teller herself says, having orgasms is not an issue, but sharing them with someone else is. For most of us, the sheer mental nourishment that we gain from being in close physical proximity to another human being and from exchanging, not just our bodies but also our minds, is something that we desire and require on a very fundamental level. It is life affirming, it is vital and if you are doing it with the right person, it’s the best feeling in the world.Our story teller finishes up by being one of those young people that impresses the pants off me. Just because she’s has sex once (or perhaps even quite a few times), that doesn’t mean that she’s going to compromise herself. As she herself, says, we place far too much importance on ‘the first time’. What about the 999 times after that? Do they not matter as much?Despite the ubiquitous pressure on young people to perform or to play the game, she refuses to give in. She knows what she wants and she is prepared to wait for it. That’s not an easy thing to do but I can’t help feeling that she’ll find it.Rose. Born 1985. Lost virginity aged 23.‘Definition of Virginity/About me:I am Rose, a law student from the USA and a 23 year old heterosexual female, but I consider oral sex to be ‘sex’ and a loss of virginity. I have honestly never understood women (or men) who would perform oral sex on but not have vaginal intercourse. That is my MOUTH. Much more intimate than a body part that I can't even see without a hand mirror. (Laughing to myself). When I was 8 years old I learned what the word ‘virgin’ meant and was shocked there was a word for ‘the default’ state. I figured there would be a word for the ALTERED state. (Yes, yes I was a brain even then).I grew up in a liberal household. My Mom is an Ob/Gyn so sexuality was never a taboo subject and I had no desire to remain ‘pure’ and no strong desire to wed (so waiting till marriage wouldn’t work) but given the STD’s in existence - my Mom has made me paranoid - I knew I would never be promiscuous. I wanted to have sexual activity within the contexts of a relationship.I dated casually in high school, and my rule was no clothing removed if I wasn’t ready to have sex - my way to set boundaries. I went to a small private school where there wasn’t much opportunity to meet new guys but I was in no rush to have sex. But I definitely FELT sexual and thought that if sex was half as fun as my masturbation sessions, it was going to be wonderful. However, I never worried about WHEN I would ‘lose it’, I figured it would happen in due time.I went on oral contraceptives at 17 in preparation for college and got sent away with a huge supply of condoms by my STD phobic OB/Gyn mother just in case I met someone. Well, I don’t drink - a huge activity in college - and I spent most of my time hanging out in the theatre department. Needless to say, meeting men I was interested in didn’t really happen. I went on a few dates, kissed some guys, made great friends but nobody I wanted to be in a relationship with appeared.Actually I was starting to get nervous about my lack of sexual activity. Around my 20th birthday I began to feel ashamed about my lack of sexual experience. I began to doubt myself, my attractiveness, my NORMALCY. Was there something WRONG with me? Could everyone see it but me? I started to question if was heterosexual (I definitely was). It seemed as if the thing that came so easily to EVERYONE else, was so difficult for me. The only individuals I knew who had never engaged in any type of sexual activity (beyond kissing) at my age were religiously motivated (which is a fine choice).........but I ended up going 3 years without so much as kissing someone.I must say that did make me very depressed at points. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep, just because I longed to be touched, to feel that connection to another human being. The worse thing was feeling as if it would NEVER change, and I would NEVER have the experiences I so longed for. I no longer felt my lack of sexual experience was a CHOICE - it felt like a punishment. I wanted to feel ‘normal’ and to have this ache inside of myself gone. However I was determined not to have a roll in the hay with the first guy who looked my way. I felt that being in a relationship was important and I was rightly weary of diseases and too weary to sleep with a stranger. I still went to school, hung out with friends but I felt there was something missing. To make matters worse most of my friends were in serious relationships and whilst I was happy for them, I longed to have that as well.How I lost my virginity:Well, I had sex (vaginal and oral), touched a penis and laid in bed with a naked man for the first time on my 23rd birthday. It was the happiest day of my life. All of the things I thought I would be - scared, nervous, ashamed - I wasn't any of those things.  I was just HAPPY. It so happened that I moved back to my home city the year before to go to law school and 7 months before my birthday, I met a guy who lived in my building. He was slightly older than myself (28 to my 22) but he was sweet, attractive (muscles galore) and a perfect gentleman. When he smiled at me I gushed. I felt 16 again remembering my first date and kiss (corny I know). I was actually flattered that he noticed me of all people, when, in my mind, it had been years since a man had looked at me. We dated seriously for two months before becoming intimate. The first time I had sex was everything I ever wanted it to be. It was sweet and pleasurable and intimate and completely worth staying up till 6am for! However, we broke up a few months later due to things entirely not related to sex. I don't regret our experience together for one second.I never told him I had never had sex. You may wonder why, well, two reasons.1. Having listened to my friend R over the years, who believed oral sex wasn’t sex, and when she finally decided she DID want to have vaginal intercourse, she was rejected repeatedly. I was afraid that the same thing that happened to her - guys would learn she had never had vaginal intercourse and back out during the heat of foreplay - would happen to me. After years of wanting this, I didn’t want to risk the same. OR that he would find it attractive that I was ‘untouched’ (I have heard that some people get off on that), I did not want to risk that......2. And I didn’t think it was any of his business! My sexual life before him was private, and once we both got tested (before we had sex), I had no desire to learn about his previous sexual experiences. Having penetrated myself with sex toys for the last few years I knew there was no need to worry about pain/discomfort.My thoughts on virginity: The emotional baggage that went along with feeling unwanted and undesirable and ‘different/defective’ was much more damaging than the physical act of never having had sex. If I desire to have an orgasm, I can guarantee that through masturbation. But do I long to have sex again? YES, but I still want to be in a relationship because I need to feel mentally comfortable in order to be open sexually. That is how it works for ME.I know I am not going to be LESS picky about who I choose to be with because I am no longer a virgin. I believe our culture places too much emphasis on the first time one has sex, especially for women, as if the first time is the ONLY time that is special, the ONLY time one should consider if sex is the right choice for you. Once one has had sex does not mean that they are no longer in control of their sexual destiny. If everyone was as particular about the 50x they had sex as they were about the 1st I think many of the negative consequences of sex (emotional and physical) would be minimized.’

The very best of British...