Honor thyself...

 

Today's account is a rather emblematic tale of conflict in a modern society. It is the story of a young woman who is torn between the sharp confines of her beliefs and her religion and the very real yearnings of her heart. We all want love, intimacy and union with that special somebody. Life is tough enough. We seek shelter and hope in our relationships. We seek a place to stop and express ourselves…which frequently, let's face it, involves sex. 

Because sex is a way of demonstrating how we feel, of reviving and of pleasuring ourselves. All pretty essential components of a healthy, happy life. Make no mistake then, that deciding to remain a virgin until the day you get married is a tall order in today's society. Throw religious confusion and a sense of duty into that pile and you've got yourself a real dilemma.

And I'm not trying to be flip when I say that today's story revealed a conflict of my very own. I set about 'correcting' this story with all the zeal of a person who believes that every single sentence ever written in the English language should begin with a capital letter. I mopped up those 'i's and corrected those 'the's' in a fit of grammatical self righteousness that left me exhausted, so tired was I from scooping up all those dropped capitals. I just cannot get with this trend to un-capitalize the crap out of everything. Until I had a little revelation of my own.

This story, in the rush to make it sound 'better', had gone and lost its power, its resonance and its poignancy. Instead of sounding like the voice of the person who had written it, it had begun to sound like me. 'Corrected' it may be, but homogenised it had become. The ticks and the nuances that add the flavour, the style and the feeling of the story had all gone. Times change, language changes and ultimately, the way that people communicate with each other has changed, and so, dear reader, I decided to get over myself and un-correct the so called corrected.

Ok, so I left in the full stops. Let me have some full stops. I like my full stops. But everything else remains the same. And it feels better. More importantly, it sounds like the human being that wrote it. I can hear her voice more clearly and that’s the most important thing.

Perhaps, in the spirit of modern communication, you might have something that you want to say to Honor? Can you offer her a solution, or some comfort for her dilemma? As a modern woman in the 21st century, I found it very hard to put my own feelings aside when I replied to her email. But then I am not religious so what do I know. I only have me to answer to, and that’s hard enough as it is. Imagine having to answer to god as well.

honor

from london UK

'virginity' is a very sensitive issue to me. i am twenty two and still a virgin. the reasons for this involve both religious and personal reasons. how i have kept it for so long in this time and age still shocks me but i have. the journey has no way been easy for me. i have been through so many boyfriends as well as heartache, because of my unwillingness to have sex. i do get involved in other sexual activities but just not penetrative sex. i have had so many moments where i have doubted myself and felt that it was fear holding me back, i have been brought to tears on this issue on several occasions (including this very moment).

i decided to keep my virginity because of my faith (religion). it does not encourage sex outside of or before marriage. other reasons for this is that i don't want to start having sex with one guy then break up with him and end up having sex for the wrong reasons like anger, just in the moment kinda thing or a drunken moment.  i have alwayz thought of my virginity as a gift, one i intend to give my future husband. my ex`s have all said to me i am in lala land if i think i would find someone who will wait and called me naive and scared. but i am 110% sure that i do not have fear of the sexual act. if i have any fear then its fear of having regrettable moments involving sex.

needless to say, the teary moments are what gets me. i have met guyz i have thought to be perfect for me but i fear the relationship ( if any) would be based on sex. i met a guy who for the first time since i started dating, gave me all the fairytale moments. he was my friend and more. and like a friend he was honest to me and told me he wouldn't be able to be with me without sex, he said he loved it too much. this caused so much confusion for me because i really liked him - all of him and he wasn't even my type which made my attraction to him stronger. he said i was perfect for him but he didn't know if he could wait and not cheat on me.

of course everyone told me that it was all bull but i was so into him that i didn't care and stuck with him, tellin him how much i adored him everyday. On valentine`s day this year i wrote him a poem. i could tell it touched something in him because he was more attentive to my feelings and all the sweet talk we used to do initially came back only much stronger. but i had to know he wanted to be with me so i kept my distance and gave him space to show he wants to be with me. i stopped callin him and eventually he called me after 2 weeks saying he has been trying to call me but i didn't get any missed calls, till today a couple months after and he hasn't contacted me and vice versa.

i miss him so much but i cant force him to be celibate because of me. till today i get moments where i just want to sit down on m my bed and cry my eyes out thinking if im making a mistake keeping my virginity. right now i want to call him but i fear that time has created to long a bridge for me to cross and i have already lost him as a friend and more.

i am tired of doing this over and over again but there is nothing i can do. my reasons for keepin my virginity still stand but my heart weakens every time i turn a guy down and its like every time that happens, he takes a piece of me and i am completely lost. my greatest fear is that pressure from today's society and my sexual urge for release will lead me to lose my virginity for a reason much worse that if i had choosen to have sex with one of my ex`s.

oh and i'm catholic by the way, very strict religion, especially on the issue of sex but apart from that my mum ( bless her soul) takes pride in knowing i'm a virgin, my younger sister isn't and told my mum and i could tell my mum was heartbroken about it and yes i know its my life and not hers but she wouldn't want the wrong thing for me and i take pride in the fact that i could keep myself this long. the idea of giving my hubby this precious gift of mine is still strong and possibly the strongest reason i have but i fear that i might lack experience to keep him home when the time comes.

actually i have two thoughts about my 'wedding night', i either want to shock the socks of him by giving him the greatest sex he ever had or giving him the gift idea. 'sigh', like i said, im in two minds about this.'

 

Comments

[Bob]

Good for you for going against the grain in this predictably boring, sex-driven generation! I think it is great you didn't give into others' sense of right - or losing your own integrity by doing so!

When kids try to not give into temptation, they distract themselves. Why not do the same? Divert your energy into other facets of your life and achieve some goals you have been itching to do, or start something new.

I am not much older than you, but I'm a guy and still a virgin. Yes, virginity is more of an issue for women, but NOT losing your virginity is more of a stigma for men (see 40 Year Old Virgin). Life has given me extremely few opportunities to lose it, and those few times it did, I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I knew that the risks outweighed the benefits.

But I've been happy and have never felt that urge, like I MUST lose my virginity. It's not because I don't have any libido, but because I have too much to do, too much fun enjoying life. This means I don't allow the opportunity to present itself where temptation dangles its seductive pantyhose in front of me. I'm a student, violinist, breakdancer, language learner, and programmer. When I was just a student, I really made a big deal of relationships, true love, and all that other drama.

Whenever I'm out with friends, we have a lot to talk about (because we have a diversity of activities because of what I can introduce them to), a lot of goofy adventures, jokes, and even talk about my failed attempts at hitting on girls (they have girlfriends). It's casual, from time to time they try to "help me out," but it never is a big deal.

Maybe it's just how you look at things more than what it is - like you're either ONLY 50 kgs or OMG 110 lbs!. Maybe there's nothing wrong with not saving your virginity if and only if that's how you feel; and maybe it's everything if you save your virginity if that's how you feel (which, I think your husband will appreciate).

[terri]

thanks for the comments, i really appreciate it. The whole issue has brought nothing but headache, life is never simple. The way you handle not thinking about it is ok, by being busy but to me that is kinda hard especially as i am the only virgin amongst my friends. You know how girls are, they share details and the guyz just talk about it openly anywhere and at any time so basically i am surrounded by it. plus my libido/urge for sex gets stronger as i grow older, I mean its not like i don't want to have sex, i do like crazy but then i hold back. i understand that i should be in control of my virginity ( like someone said) but then sometimes you forget about the important stuff and you body takes over you brain, that's when the war starts.

[Josa]

I was called everything you can think of by the disappointed men to whom I denied my body. Don't worry about it, stick with your convictions! Look after yourself.

[Kate Monro]

Posted on behalf of one of my regular correspondents:

'Lodestone is a naturally occurring type of rock with very small particles of iron ore dispersed throughout it. The rock forms slowly in the Earth's magnetic field and has, locked within it, a "magnetic grain", as it were - something like an invisible wood grain. Ancient civilisations discovered that if a piece of lodestone were hung from a thread, the stone would experience a strange force, and eventually line up in a North-South direction. This gave rise to the first form of navigational magnetic compass.

So, why the geology? Well, I am suggesting this as an analogy to the "grain" that forms within a person who is brought up in a "field" of religious belief, and has developed some type of faith. This person feels a "tug" of conscience that the non-believer might not. As far as I know, any type of religious faith conditions, to a greater or lesser extent, the behaviour of the person who has this belief. I would suggest it is this that makes a "religious" person extra-uneasy about making certain decisions, such as whether or not to voluntarily terminate a state of virginity. Now, the tricky bit, it seems to me, is for such a person to decide if the "grain" within is a help to personal integrity and identity, or a hindrance. Quite possibly a bit of both! Do you trust the compass at all times? I would guess, having a strong R.C. background, your "inner grain" effect will certainly be felt, and will not go away.

Whatever decision you may make, Christianity is supposed to be based on compassionate love, and your God, your Church, and your mother will show this love you, regardless of any unintended anguish your decision might cause. I think you must also try to develop a little compassionate love for yourself. This dimension seems sadly underplayed in Christianity. There is too much emphasis upon implanting the notion of wretchedness within a person, not at all helpful or healthy, by my reckoning.

My old-fashioned view on the guy from whom you are presently separated, is that if he is of any worth at all, he will respect the fact that you are a virgin, and that he would not in any way wish you to be distressed by his wish to turn your relationship into being fully sexual. I think it would be totally wrong for him to try to make your consent a CONDITION for the relationship to proceed. Your virginity is something uniquely precious that YOU possess, and of which YOU should be completely in control.'