Let Love Rule?

Donkey’s years ago, in my early twenties, I got my first proper job. Don’t get me wrong, I’d had hundreds of jobs by this point but this was the first where I got paid monthly i.e. I was going to stay put for longer than ten minutes.

I didn’t mind because it was my hearts desire. My first job in the music business. A whirlwind of gigs, guest lists and glamour, at least in my imagination. In reality, I got to answer the phone to Ian McCulloch. This was no great hardship at the time because I was a huge Echo and the Bunnymen fan. I also got to observe my boss at close quarters, a flame haired Viking of a man with a penchant for the re-arrangement of everyday audio equipment.

‘What do you mean the spare phone doesn’t work?’

‘Well, I phoned BT and they said it wasn’t broken enough to fix’.

He picks up the phone and dashes it to the floor.

‘It’s broken now’.

Okey dokey, I’ll just give them another call then.

In amongst this tomfoolery was the very real opportunity to see as many free gigs as I liked. Me and my friends made full use of this facility. Glastonbury with The Cure, backstage camping and access all areas? I was there. The Cramps at The Crypt in Brixton? Count me in. The Happy Mondays at Wembley Arena? Truly one of the magical musical hi-lights of my life. But it wasn’t just the big boys I was interested in. I went to see the little fish too.

In the winter of ‘89, I went to some dump off Oxford Street to see the first British show of a new artist that the agency had just signed. His name was Lenny Kravitz and he tore the place to shreds. A man, a guitar and a stage. That’s it. Even to my untrained eye, it was quite obvious that something was up. The rest of the crowd thought so too. Both Roachford and Terence Trent D’arby left the room shortly afterwards – literally and metaphorically.

Fast forward to the present day and it is no surprise that Mr Kravitz is a multi million selling babe magnet of a talented man who has……..decided to give up sex until he gets married. Yes, you heard me. Lenny Kravitz will remain celibate until he meets and marries the woman he loves.

Now, I had planned to ponder upon the idea of ‘secondary virginity’. The idea that one can ‘start over’ again, even if one has had quite a lot of sex, thereby attaining secondary, or ‘born-again’ as some types prefer to call it, virginity. But I don’t quite think this is Mr Kravitz’s style. Spiritual he may be, but ‘born again’, I think not.

But once I had googled the words ‘Lenny Kravitz + sex’ and flicked my way through ten pages of the above mentioned story, and counting, I had to ask myself – again, why is it that we cannot get our heads around the fact that some people actively choose not to have sex, for a whole bunch of different reasons? Is it just too much of an anomaly in today’s society to abstain, not for religious reasons, but simply because you want to save it for someone that you really like, or even, dare I say it, love?

I have an issue with ‘The Silver Ring Thing/True Love Waits/Creepy teenage-controlling-right-wing Christian groups. I don’t think it is right to ask what are essentially children to make very adult decisions about their lives and their bodies. It is natural to grow, to change and develop. People must be free to make individual choices as these changes occur. This is what living in a democratic society is all about.

Having said that, I do think it is a sensible question to ask yourself if you are having sex with someone: why am I doing this? I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this question but there is something to be gained by asking it.

Much as I don't like to link to her tedium, (although I do wish her a speedy recovery from her recent illness), Dawn Eden posted this on her blog the other day:

"There is no such thing as giving the body without giving the soul. Those who think they can be faithful in soul to one another, but unfaithful in body, forget that the two are inseparable. Sex in isolation from personality does not exist! An arm living and gesticulating apart from the living organism is an impossibility. The separation of soul and body is death. Those who separate sex and spirit are rehearsing for death'.
—Fulton J. Sheen, Three to Get Married

OK, it’s a tad dramatic but it’s an interesting point. Are we hurting ourselves by having sex with people that we are not commited to? Perhaps this is what Lenny is driving at. Sharing bodily fluids with another human being is pretty serious stuff. Is it not better to do it with someone we love?

Lets face it; we’re not likely to find out unless one of us marries him. Which brings me to my next point. As I pondered these questions in the shower the other morning whilst simultaneously meeting Lenny Kravitz, falling helplessly in love and moving lock, stock and cat to Miami, I arrived at the part where we were just about to get hitched….and panicked! Could I really marry a man that I had never ever had sex with? What if it was awful? A let down, a damp squib. Perhaps he doesn’t even have a penis? My mind flailed around trying to find answers to imaginary questions. This is serious stuff.

I came to my conclusion. No, I don’t think I can marry Lenny. Much as he impressed me with his axe skills all those years ago on a dingy London stage. Marriage is too big a commitment without first road testing the rest of the equipment. Quite apart from the fact that I might go bonkers in the process. I admire Lennie’s commitment to his cause. I would high five him if he were sitting on my bed right now but it would take a lot more than a wedding dress and a ring to win my heart. Sex is way too big a part of a relationship to take a chance on.

Unless we’ve got an ‘everything but’ situation on our hands? Ok, now this I might be able to work with, maybe for Lenny. But then what’s the point in waiting until you get married when you’ve done all the important stuff anyway. Penetration is merely a formality when it comes to sex. There are a hundred ways to enjoy each other without ever having penetrative sex. Or, 'what goes around comes around', as Lenny might say...

Comments

[TheRingMaster]

You say:

"I have an issue with ‘The Silver Ring Thing/True Love Waits/Creepy teenage-controlling-right-wing Christian groups. I don’t think it is right to ask what are essentially children to make very adult decisions about their lives and their bodies."

Wouldn't it make sense to create cultural biases that would ensure that children don't even have to think about making adult decisions? Having sex should be an adult decision. Face it, the poor kids never actually get to decide. It is all decided for them either by the media and media-informed peer pressure or by their overly protective parents/guardians. Isn't it preferable that what's decided "for them" is better and safer in terms of health, if nothing else?

[Virginity Project]

I agree, but I don't see how we can control this. As you say, young people and children learn so much of what they know via the media and its pretty ubiquitous - just turn on the telly or look at advertising hoardings.

Society as a whole has become more 'sexual' so we can hardly blame the reactionary response of parents to this either.

In the end, I can't help thinking that being honest and open with children and their questions is the only way forward. Teaching sex education well in schools would be a good start as well. Children pick up so much from adults and its no good if parents are secretive, embarassed or angry to be asked.

Giving them a headstart by presenting them with facts and when they get a bit older to open discussion about what sexual intimacy actually involves would help to prepare the way for adult life so much better.

Thats my ten cents worth!

[Melinda]

"Marriage is too big a commitment without first road testing the rest of the equipment."

What happens when the "equipment" ages and doesn't work the same? Have you built up enough of a relationship to last beyond that or is it all based on whether the "equipment" is up to your standards? It is easier to build a lasting relationship when the sexual aspects aren't the focus of a relationship.

[The Virginity Project]

I couldn't agree more. We are nothing together unless we have built a solid enough foundation to see us through to our dying days together. However, whilst we are building that foundation, we also want to be 'testing the equipment' as much as we would like too! Because that is as much a part of the foundation as anything else. Its a mistake if its THE most important thing - but lets not diminish its importance.