It is only when you attempt to write about a person without mentioning their gender that you realise what a difference it makes. Gender informs and guides our every move. But does it matter when it comes to virginity loss? And are we ‘losing’ the same thing - if anything at all?
In the style of ‘Memento’, there is only one way to tell this story and that’s backwards. Its owner withholds basic detail but under gentle questioning, the layers unravel to reveal the full picture – and gender, of our storyteller.
Sam. Born 1988. Lost virginity aged 19.
‘I'm a youngster, born in 1988 in New York City. I lost my virginity on November 4th, 2007. I haven't had too much time to think about what I lost or gained but I'll explain regardless.
We were both drunk and I invited her over to my place because I was less drunk and there is no way she would have made it home at that time of night. I asked her to turn away while I put on my pyjamas because I didn't feel like walking down the hall to change. I gave her pyjama pants to change into because she asked me to and I let her crawl into bed first and wondered if I should sleep on the floor but she left me space so I crawled in under the covers. I turned off the lights and snuggled up close to her. I said something about feeling naughty and we started kissing.
I wrapped my leg around her and felt her hands all across my back and up my shirt. She kissed my neck and got on top of me. She asked me if it was OK and I said ‘yes.’ We slowly worked our clothing off and she kissed my chest and ran her hands between my thighs. She knew what she was doing. She asked me to tell her if it hurt but all I could do was gasp for breath. We took turns with oral sex and as we grinded against each other, I wondered which one of my neighbours could hear the pounding against the wall. We lay there for an hour or two afterward talking and then I fell asleep. I woke up early in the morning and she said she couldn't sleep so I walked her out.
I have to say that the sex itself was great but I'm sad that afterwards our flirting and kissing and cuddling has decreased. I think about how I don't think I satisfied her and I'm terrified of asking her whether or not I did. I know she's afraid of a relationship because she got out of an abusive relationship like 6 months ago. I also felt some guilt afterward thanks to my stupid catholic conscience.’
At this juncture, I had to write and ask ‘Sam’* the question: are you a man or a woman?
‘I'm really glad that you wrote back and I'm glad that you enjoyed my story. I purposely left out the fact that I'm female because I sometimes think it isn't really important. I completely forgot that my email address reveals my name. I guess there is much more to the story.
It all started at a party we had at my school's Queer Student Union. Alcohol was involved again and it was the first time I really paid attention to her. We were talking and our faces got closer and we embraced. For weeks after we acted like little kids. I asked her for a nickel and she'd tease me asking ‘What do I get in return?’ She asked me to help her get the DVD player to work and I would do the same, receiving kisses on the neck that made me weak and whimper. I took the train with her a couple of times and we held hands. It was cute. We'd talk about anything and everything.
One night we were both sober and we made out for a wonderfully long period of time until I remembered that my best friend was going to bring me my laptop. We got up just as I said that and my best friend walked in. It was an awkward moment but an interesting way to introduce her to my best friend.
The night of November 3rd we went to my friend's birthday party. At first we both said we didn't want to get drunk but my friend is a bastard and she never gives up the opportunity to shove a shot down your throat. Lots of drama developed and the police were on their way so those of us who are under-aged decided to leave before we got into more trouble. We walked to the train station, one thing led to another and you know the rest of the story.
We did speak about it afterwards, but only on the Internet. She asked me if I liked it and she said she enjoyed it. She especially liked the sounds I made and how I trembled all over. Last week I asked her what the heck was going on between us. I needed to know whether it was just a flirtation or whether we could be more than just friends who ‘hook up.’ She told me she was confused and that made me angry because I can't continue to get more attached without knowing what I'm getting myself into. I am trying to forget but I see her everyday and she smiles and it hurts.’
Finally, I asked ‘Sam’ how she would define the loss of her virginity. And what is it that we lose…
‘That's a really complicated question and the only thing I can really say is that I associate virginity with innocence and that I do think it is physical; however, it also involves the act of surrendering yourself. We are taught from childhood to never give up our bodies without asking for the world in return. In my loss of virginity, I fought this ideal in my heart and mind. I paid attention to the now and what I wanted instead of paying attention to what people told me to do.
I do think that having virginity is harder than not because at least now I don't have the ideal in my head fucking with me. I know what sex is and it doesn't seem as overwhelming as it did before. As for culture, I am a Dominican American. Latin American families don't generally talk about sex. It's just a subject we sort of ignore. My sister has a three-month rule before she has sex with anyone she is dating. I kind of believe in waiting but I got caught up in the moment.
What did I leave behind…my innocence? I don’t think so. I still feel fairly innocent. I'm young and I made a decision to share my body with someone. I'll always have doubts on whether I was too young or too drunk but it's done with and the only thing I know is that for now, I feel bad about the results but I definitely want to have more sex in the future because it's quite the feeling.’
*All names changed to protect identity.
Comments