Can I compare thee to a……little league match? Today, Joseph Marchelewski, he of website, bustedhalo.com, chooses to highlight the parallels between swinging your bat and knocking seven bells out of a baseball - and reaching third base on the night of his wedding. One is clearly a lot easier than the other: for the love of god will you have a look at this description of a baseball game and tell me that virginity loss isn’t a lot more straightforward and certainly less ‘wordy’?
By the by, today’s guest writer is twenty-eight, lives in New York and wants us to know that he loves David Beckham.
Random Thoughts on No Longer Being a Virgin. Or, How I Spent $10,000 to Get Laid.
By Joseph Marchelewski
'Some people, pardon me, most people lose it, but I was able to give it away. It's not forgotten in the backseat of a car or in the limo that took me to prom; and it isn't covered in alcohol in someone's bedroom. No, my virginity belongs to my wife. Take that – skanky girl I met in college! (more on that later).
When I was a kid, I played baseball. I had one year where I was so bad I didn't get a single hit until the final game of the season. Hell, I couldn't even hit the ball when I swung the bat, so I just got up with my bat on my shoulder and wouldn’t do a thing. I'd either walk or strike out, but I never swung. Finally my dad got so frustrated that he taught me to swing properly. My last ‘at-bat’ of the season, I swung at the first pitch…and fouled it off. (UK readers note – this is a good thing). I was almost in tears because I'd forgotten how great it felt to hit a ball with a bat. The next pitch came in and I hit the ball hard. I ran as fast as I could to first base, and when I got there, I stood and took the deepest breath I had ever taken in my life, up to that point of course.
Losing my virginity was sort of like that.
I always feared I'd lose it to some girl I didn’t really like or know. My freshman year in college a girl straight up asked me, ‘Want to sleep with me?’ You mean you're just going to come out and say it? Without even buying me dinner? I literally got out of there as quick as I could, even though I was probably the only guy to ever run from a girl throwing her 18-year-old self at him. Over the next few years there wouldn't be that many situations that jeopardized my virgin status, but there was always a huge fear. So when I met the girl of my dreams and she actually wanted to marry me, I saw the finish line. And the finish line was HOT!
We would spend mostly our own money on putting a wedding together. Thousands of dollars on some flowers, a cake, a buffet and a tuxedo. I can't really remember much of the ceremony or the reception, except that my grandmother gave a great speech and people should have eaten more food. As we drove away from the site in a nice limo, I was covered in cards and flowers and the overflow of my wife's dress. I realized after about two minutes where the limo was taking us, it was taking us to end my virginity; so I beckoned him to drive faster. On my wedding night, after my wife and I consummated our marriage, she looked at me and asked, ‘How was it? I took a deep breath and answered, ‘Just like little league.’ After twenty minutes of convincing her that was a good thing and that my little league coach hadn't molested me, we snuggled.
Like a marathon runner, I'd made it, and that's exactly how I felt, like I'd run a long marathon littered with pretty girls and their tight shirts. It was all it was built up to be, and it continues to be that way. My wife is the coolest girl I know and every time we hang out she makes me feel like I know what I'm doing. Even when what I'm doing is walking in circles around Manhattan because I get lost easy. She's amazing, my amazing angel, and being intimate with her is awesome, maybe even better than little league'.
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