The chill of embrace?

I had been intending to write about the concept of ‘secondary virginity’ for an age. I had also been intending to ask Dawn Eden, author of groundbreaking book, ‘The Thrill of the Chaste’, (was there ever a better book title?), if she might consider writing something for ‘The Virginity Project’, on the subject. Thankfully, she has done so with very little effort on my part.

First things first. What the monkey nuts am I talking about? Secondary virginity? It sounds a bit, well, second-hand. It is. But it’s not. Confused? Let me help you:

‘Secondary virginity, or being a "born-again" or "renewed" virgin, is when an individual who has had premarital sex chooses to "start again" and wait until marriage. This can be based on a number of things - some people may have only had sex once and realized that they weren't ready, others may be more advanced in their sexual encounters but have decided that they want to place more value on the act itself.

This decision is not meant to be fuelled by false ideals of what is being chosen, but rather as an acceptance of the past and an attempt to move forward in a new light. In other words, when one chooses to "reinvent" their virginity, they aren't doing so on the pretence of regaining their virginity simply to be able to say they are virgins, but rather to have a clean slate and a fresh start, and to recognize past mistakes and not repeat them in the future.’

I’m down with that. Time and again as I have listened to people’s stories of virginity loss, it has occurred to me that a straightforward definition cannot be carved into stone. For many of us, the occasion is marked by the first instance of penetrative sex, but for others it is something more ephemeral and hard to quantify. A loss of innocence, or ‘the moment that I became a woman’, in the case of the lady who discovered what her clitoris was at the tender age of ten. The point is, that for some people, virginity is all in the mind. This is not a new idea.

I have been entertaining myself of late with the adventures of St Augustine of Hippo, one of the earliest proponents of the Christian faith. ‘Lord, give me chastity’, he cried…’but not yet!’ That was before his profound conversion to Catholicism at the age of thirty-two. Look him up. He’s an interesting bloke. Augustine displayed foresight in an era when the rights of women were hardly at the top of anyone’s agenda. On the act of rape he wrote, ‘No woman can be deprived of her virginity, no matter what is done to her body, unless her heart consents. If you defile my body against my will, my virginity is all the purer and my reward all the greater’.

Hanne Blank writes in her book, ‘Virgin - An Untouched History,’ ‘after Augustine, both libido and virginity were matters of the conscious self at least as much as they were matters of the body. It was ultimately the integrity of the soul that mattered’.

Augustine blazed the trail for secondary virginity and somewhere along the line, modern day religious types picked up the scent. Which led me to the suitably named Dawn Eden, author of aforementioned best seller, ‘The Thrill of the Chaste’. Dawn is an interesting proposition. A former rock journalist, she is candid about her ‘free-loving’ past which involved a penchent for Keith (at least in my imagination), Moon-esque drummers. 'I took full advantage of the fact that I was in a very libertine world,' she says. But that was before her own conversion to Catholicism and like Augustine, a renouncement of her former sex life. ‘I regret all the sex that I ever had in my life’, she says. She now flies the flag for the abstinence movement that has swept America. She is honest about her new life and I respect her for that. 'I miss having sex a lot,' she says. 'I enjoyed sex very much. That was one reason why I did it a lot.'

Which brings me back to the beginning of the story. Needless to say, I am fascinated by the concept of secondary virginity and I am itching to interview someone who possesses such an item. Connected, as I am sure she is, I mailed Dawn to see if she could point me in the direction of one of these stories. Did she have any British contacts that might be prepared to talk to me? Judging by her reply, which she posted on her blog, I’m thinking probably not. The July 27th comments section, however, more than makes up for her lack of enthusiasm. Happy reading!

Comments

[stm]

As someone who debated entering the priesthood...and is still a virgin in his thirties...I'd like to respond to their comments with the deference and respect that is due.

In short, is it possible that the hypocrisy and "holier than thou" attitude be any thicker? Who the bloody hell are they to infer why I read what I read? Between the sucking up and the attempts to be the most pithy and intellectual commenter (which is ALSO a spectator sport...Rene Girard?!)...thankfully there were a couple that allowed for a difference in opinion. I thank you both.

To respond to Girard, I'll quote Ambrose Bierce, "The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity."

And to those who feel uncomfortable running against the grain, be it peer-pressure to have sex, religious intolerance, or sneaking out past midnight...my favorite quote (unattributed):
"Only dead fish go with the flow"

I'm done venting now...
Cheers.

[Kate M]

I rest my case.

[cc]

"Which brings me back to the beginning of the story. Needless to say, I am fascinated by the concept of secondary virginity and I am itching to interview someone who possesses such an item."

I'm actually doing the whole secondary virginity thing right now. Have been for almost a year. I've just spent the evening talking to a friend about it, and I think that she's considering it too.

You mentioned something about British contacts, well I'm British, so please feel free to contact me if need be.