Like a virgin?

Sex is everywhere. There’s so much of it, you can’t even see it most of the time. It’s on the telly, the Internet, in magazines and newspapers. It entices you to buy things, it’s a gang that you want to join and if you buy these very sexy underpants then you probably can. One could quite easily delude oneself that virtually everybody in the world is having sex, right now. It is a currency, a method of communication. It is the wallpaper of life.

I am here to tell you that not quite everybody is having sex. In fact, quite a few people have never had sex. Billy, below, might imagine that he is in a minority but he is not. I am no statistician, but in the last eighteen months, a fair proportion of the people that I have approached have been virgins. Not one of them has been a wart-covered sociopath with little in the way of charm or beauty. They all appear to be perfectly normal people – of all ages, who have never, for one reason or another, had sex.

Whilst my primary motive has always been to research the loss of virginity and the subsequent journey that we take, perhaps by excluding those who have chosen (or not), to retain their virginity, I am not painting the real picture. I will begin to make amends by posting Billy’s thoughts on the subject…

Hello Kate, or Ms Monro,

I just discovered your Virginity Project while
performing a web search. I like the idea for the site,
but that's not why I'm e-mailing today.

My ‘problem’ is with the small paragraph that runs
down the left margin of the page. It says, ‘Losing our
virginity, it happens to all of us, no matter who we
are or where we come from’. I find this to be
a generalization and somewhat presumptuous. Surely you
don't believe that everyone on the planet loses their
virginity?

You could drop that opening sentence, or replace it
with something less... antagonistic. If anything, I find
it puts more pressure on the virgins of the world,
making them feel even more estranged, given
that apparently everyone has sex.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to point out. I put the
word 'problem' in quotes above because I'm not someone
who takes offense to... well, anything really. As such
I'm not going to be disappointed if you leave
the sentence up on your site. I just wanted you to know that
reading it made me feel like crap, and has no doubt
made the same impression on other perpetual virgins who
stumble upon your site.

Sincerely,

Billy*

Dear Billy

Thank you for your imput. Consider my side panel
modified.

No, seriously, I take your comment fully on board
because it is a valid one. I have, in my travels,
encountered quite a lot of virgins. All of different
ages, some of them having made a conscious choice to
hang onto virginity and others not.

Is this something that you might consider writing
about? It’s an interesting perspective and one that
people might be interested to hear about. Have you
perhaps had near misses? Or do you have an ideal
scenario in your head? I don't know, I am just
throwing the idea out there....

Anyway, many apologies for making you feel bad, it
certainly wasn't intended.

Best wishes from Kate

Hi Kate,

I appreciate the small but significant modification.

As for writing, I'm sure I'd have a fair bit to say on the subject if I
thought about it. But I'm still at odds with myself about the whole
situation. I can tell you I've not had any near misses, nor am I waiting
for the right moment as many people like to say. In truth, I've never
had anything, ever, at all.

I'd be surprised if there existed a more virginal virgin.

I don't have any obvious flaws that would cause this incredible streak
of nothingness, so I can only assume there's something instinctually
missing from my genetic makeup. Hmmm, but that would suggest a
hereditary trait, which would be impossible! So let's call it psychological instead
of genetic. It's not even a lack of sexual drive. I have more than
enough of that.

Similarly, I also have to assume that whatever I am missing is present
in most people, explaining why so many of them lose their virginity at
a young age. Obviously sex is a hot topic so these discussions do happen
with some frequency, The common theme is that it's quite easy to have sex,
or more specifically to find a willing partner. In fact it's so easy that people
are almost having sex by accident, after a night at the club/bar or
wherever.

I used to think it was my extreme introversion that caused it, but I
don't believe that anymore. I don't believe it because, as your blog's
main page so simply states, virginity is lost "no matter who we are or
where we come from". And based on what I've seen in my 26 years on the
planet, it's true. Don't get me wrong, introversion is certainly not
going to help the aspiring non-virgin, but with relationships being
partially a game of odds, eventually you're going to get a hit, introvert or
otherwise.

Now I'm at a point where I feel it's too late. Or rather, I haven't
completely decided what I feel yet, but ‘too late’ is a popular thought.
Heck, more than half the time I'm convinced a relationship isn't even
something that I want. And it's frustrating, because thinking about this
obviously accomplishes very little. And the more I think the more time
passes and the further behind, (and more frustrated), I become.

My rationalization is that since most people start in their mid to late
teens, that's about a decade of experience that any potential mate
would have under her belt, (in a matter of speaking). And like absolutely
every skill of value, the more practice and experience you get, the
better you become.

This isn't limited to the actual act of sex. Movies and
television often portray relationships as fated encounters that defy
explanation, and many people are subdued into believing this. I would
wager that these people, particularly from previous generations, are of the
mindset that a relationship is something out of our control that just
happens, rather than a skill to be honed.

Which is what brought me to your website in the first place. I was
searching for a site that tackled virginity from the virgin's perspective.
Maybe a community of people who are virginal and beyond a reasonable
age, (say twenty). But if such a place exists I haven't found it yet, and if I
did would I even like who I'd found? What I did find was yet more
evidence that I'm in a startlingly small minority, which abruptly ended my
search.

Well, I guess in the end I did have a fair bit to say. I could say more
but I'm not sure this is even what you're looking for so I'll stop
here. It was still interesting for me to get some of this on
paper. Writing has a way of forcing things into a somewhat meaningful
order.

Have fun with your studies,

Billy

*All names changed to protect identity.

Comments

[Faris]

This is something quite special.

[Hud]

Billy, don't be a hero..