Your stories
Max is the co-author of an American website called Virtual Love. He sent me the following story, written by a twenty-nine year old woman from Salt Lake City, Utah.
I have made only the tiniest adjustments to this story. I want you to hear the words just as the author has written them. She touches on a crucial point. That sex and intimacy are inextricably linked – but that they are not one and the same thing.
Sex can be intimate, but true intimacy does not necessarily involve sex.
Long-term consequences
The choices we made on one of the most important issues of our intimate life are crucial, even if takes us years to realize. The more so if it happened in a way we didn't expect it to be.
Most stories I've heard from my friends related to their first time seemed kind of typical tales and what I would call a small event in their life. When I recalled my first time, the emotions were overwhelming to say the least. I'd say that they remained in my head, tearing me apart for many years after. A common story of a guy, and a girl who thought she was in love and didn't know what really the guy was thinking of. The first night, and farewell with no words and explanations.
Of course, time cures everything and the moment, however bad it was, passed with the months fleeting away. But what heart seemed to forget, body remembered.
The next time, when it came to physical intimacy, my body remained tense. The deadly silence and surprised face of your partner who couldn't explain why it got so difficult to break through the ‘tightness’. Later on it turned out that sex become a problem for years. The constant fear of being abandoned and hurt once again, made it impossible to build up normal sexual relationships.
The tension remained inside me and I couldn't physically let anyone in. Overcoming the difficulties of the first time which remained a sad experience, made me wiser and cautious but it still was a moment hard to forget. It took almost ten years after I finally coped with the pain with the help of a caring and loving partner, who was patient enough to understand.
That should have been a lesson, a difficult lesson to learn, that sex is not about physical activity but more about emotional ties. As I realized, the problem was actually that we don't know where the real place of sex in a relationship is. We tend to see sexual activity isolated from the emotional side, when in fact both are closely related.
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