Goddammit I have had some interesting stories and emails from you whilst I have been sunning myself on a hot island. You are a fascinating bunch. It’s hard to choose which one to feature first but I’m going for this one. Partly, I admit, because it’s another ‘first time’ for me. My first Haitian-American story. Not that that’s of any consequence because the themes, as ever, are international. When it comes to virginity loss, it doesn’t matter what language you speak or what cultural background you relate to, people are people. And people have hormones.
It also occurs to me that I never really tell you what I say to the people who write to me because I do always say something. I can’t help it. I have morphed quite naturally into the role of agony aunt, even when people aren’t actually asking for advice. ‘Oh the irony of modern life’, I wrote to Martha. ‘Here you are, a fit, healthy young woman with a healthy and natural interest in sex and you can't find a man to be 'the first'. I went on to point out that she differed from many young women – and men – who write to me in one critical way. She isn’t seeking The Great Love Of Her Life. She just wants a nice, sexy, intelligent man with whom to share this important step.
Easier said than done. Martha goes on to quote some interesting stats about the probability of leading a single life. She’s got a point. It’s a hot topic and I love that she’s not unduly worried about this. ‘I know women in their early twenties’, I told her, ‘who are hysterical about the fact that they haven’t yet met The One’. We are conditioned to believe that this is the only way. That our lives are not complete or full, that in fact, it’s a slightly sub-standard option to be enjoying your life unless you are enjoying it with your other half. Martha is unlikely to be burdened by such limiting thought processes but she does still have a dilemma. And clearly not one that will be solved by picking up a ‘random’ as you guys occasionally call them (I love that phrase).
I suggested, rather un-originally, to Martha that finding ‘a first’ or a virginity breaker as she calls it (not so keen on that phrase), is a numbers game. You need to get in front of as many different 'potentials' as possible. Therefore could online dating be an option? She wrote back and gave me various different (and perfectly valid) reasons why that might not work and ended up with ‘but then again, I’m not really looking for love so I probably should just get over it and join a dating site.’
When she does, perhaps she might write back to us and tell us what happens next. Watch this space people. I know I am.
'Born: 1985 Country: United States (Haitian American)
Where do I begin? I’m twenty-six, due to be twenty-seven in May and I’M STILL A VIRGIN! Most of the stories on your blog seem to be about how people lost their virginity; my story is about my goal to lose it ASAP. In fact, I ran into your blog after googling ‘how to lose your virginity.’
That’s not all. I’ve never been in a relationship. I can count on one hand the times I’ve kissed a guy which incidentally almost always took place when I was stupid drunk. I feel so pathetic that I’ve never told a friend about this. I am the definition of pent up sexual frustration.
I grew up in a very strict and religious Haitian home and in my teen years I actually became very active in the Mormon church of my own choosing. I was going through some difficult times at home and the church really helped me through some of those moments. But even then I didn’t expect to be a Virgin Mary and I had no plans of waiting for marriage to have sex. It’s too ironic because I’m pretty sure I was thinking about sex way before it was appropriate to do so, even by today’s standards.
When I was still in grade school, I used to imagine falling in love and having passionate sex with my lover. I clearly remember getting in trouble because I used to act out love scenes and one time my mother caught me making out with my arm….embarrassing. But in my defense, I was only eight or nine. I’ve always been a passionate romantic but I was also pretty wise for my years. I found my mother’s advice to save my virginity for my future husband highly unlikely, but I thought it was a good idea to wait for when I was a bit older and more mature…but, never did I think that I’d be approaching my Late 20’s STILL A VIRGIN!
To be honest, I’ve given up on the romance part of the plan. I’ve come to terms that not everyone is meant to be in a relationship. According to the U.S Census Bureau 2007, there are 56 million Americans who have always been single, representing roughly 60% of the adult unmarried population. There are 99.6 million unmarried people over the age of 18 in the U.S, representing nearly 44%of the adult population (http://www.unmarried.org/statistics.html). These numbers are not depressing to me, it’s just an indication that the world is changing so therefore, the way we do things must also change. I don’t know what the future has in store for me, but I am determined to lead a happy life as a single woman, as I do not want to depend on others for my happiness the way my mother has always done.
I do however, really want to have sex. Apparently no amount of masturbating or vibrator can make up for the real thing. This is driving me crazy. I wish I could be the type who could just go out there, pick up some random guy and take him home…but I simply can’t. Trust me, I’ve tried. I even took this taxi driver home one night, and we made out for several hours, the whole time hoping that I’d get excited enough to want to rip off my clothes and have him plunge into me. But it wasn’t like that; I could hardly stand him on me and eventually I had to stop.
I don’t need the candlelight and I don’t need the love, but I want it to be special enough for it to be enjoyable. I want to briefly connect; in good conversation, intelligent flirting, and great fore-play with someone who is patient and willing to explore with me. I guess, what I want is a good sex mentor. I admit, what I want is pretty specific. The things I want from a sex mentor are similar to what I’d want from a potential boyfriend but minus the commitment. Are those requirements the root of my mistake in this approach? Do you have any suggestions? I’m beginning to think that my search for a virginity breaker is just as challenging as the search for a good boyfriend. One I can live without, the other I can’t.'