The Virginity Project

Oranges are not the only fruit...

It’s Thursday and I am back from a place where real oranges grow on real trees. Yes, it’s true. I am such a townie that the sight, no, the apparition, of edible fruit growing on actual trees was an almost continual source of fascination during my trip overseas. Needless to say - and taking the credit crunch into account - I was apprehended at Palma Airport attempting to smuggle six tons of Mallorca’s finest through customs. Enough oranges and lemons to prevent an entire ship’s worth of sailors suffering from scurvy. Not really.

I was a little nervous though and I’ll tell you why. Just before I left for the airport I got an email from the BBC’s World Service asking if I could take part in a global debate about virginity that very night. Now I love doing radio, but not so much in a busy international airport with Spain’s scariest flight attendant telling me that if I don’t get on the bus NOW and board the plane that is just about to leave then it will go without me and I will be forced to purchase another plane ticket. Sadly it seemed, my window of opportunity was too short and I couldn’t make the debate. It’s a shame because it was an interesting subject.

The topic on everyone’s lips was this: ‘Should a woman be a virgin when she gets married?’

Now, just before you check to see you haven’t crash-landed in another century by accident, consider the following figures:

33% (or 2.1 billion people) of the planets population are Christians (I include Catholics, Protestants, Anglican’s, Evangelicals etc in this figure)

21% (or 1.5 billion people) are followers of Islam

16% or 1.1 billion people are Atheist, non-religious or Agnostic

The remaining 30% are a melting pot of Hindu’s, Buddhists, Sikhs, Rastafarians and other assorted religions.

The point I am attempting to make without involving too much maths is that this stuff matters to people. A high proportion of the world’s population do believe that a woman should be a virgin when she gets married. Shocking but true.

Of course, if you asked me the question I would say ‘not in a month of Sundays’. I might consider it if my male partner was prepared to follow suit but that’s not going to happen. Plus, the words ‘shutting' and 'stable door’ and ‘horse has already bolted’ spring to mind. That ship, my dears, and hopefully the one with all the oranges on it, has already sailed. It’s too late and it doesn’t really matter, at least not to me. But to some people it does, and so once again I find myself asking the question ‘why?’

I respect the individual’s choice to do as they please with their bodies. If someone makes a conscious decision to hold onto their virginity until such point they deem appropriate, I am down with that. Sadly ‘doing’ and ‘pleasing’ are not part of the modern vernacular of many religions. Critical choices are being made for people – mainly women it has to be said - on their behalves. How does this work? What is the reason for this? Are we not able to make these decisions for ourselves? In this day and age, I genuinely do not understand why this is happening. Viola Anderson sums up my confusion thus:

 ‘viola anderson June 12, 2008 at 5:14 am

Try to remember a time when the only reliable birth control was total abstinence from sex. It follows then that men would insist that their wives be virgin before the marriage in order to be certain that any child born would be his own. The virginity was not the object – assurance of paternity was.

Nowadays, at least where reliable birth control is available, insisting on virginity (for that reason) is an outdated practice.

However, if the object of requiring the virginity of the bride is to prevent the woman’s comparing her husband’s sexual practices to any other man’s, then it is a whole different matter and is surely an unreasonable requirement.

It is another example of how a man’s fear (in this case, of not being as good as some other man) has been foisted onto the woman who is required to save the man from his fears of inadequacy.’

I couldn’t have put it better myself. This is one of over 400 comments that were posted on the worldhaveyoursay site where the topic was first raised. It is an emotive issue and the comments on the site reflect that.

 I cannot help but come back to the same blindingly simple thought again. In the modern age, women, as well as men must be able to make these choices for themselves. It really is that simple.

Now for the facetious bit. I can’t help it but honestly, this story is worth telling twice. I posted it on my blog last year but if you didn’t see it then, try it now. This story tells you everything you want to know about the word ‘unbelieeeeeevable’.

 

 

Let them eat cake...

This little story always sticks in my mind. It concerns a friend of mine and I shall call her Jane. Jane was completely and utterly obsessed with her mother’s copy of ‘The Secret Garden’. In the unlikely event that you haven’t heard of this book, here it is. Just the world’s best selling book of female sexual fantasies.

My friend would sneak upstairs when her mother wasn’t looking, take the book down from the shelf and revel in a world of sexual licentiousness that she didn’t fully understand, but that she knew she had to know about.

One day she was reading the book upstairs whilst her mother and a friend sunned themselves in the garden.

‘Where is Jane?’ She heard the friend asking her mother.

‘Oh’, she answered, ‘she’s probably upstairs reading that book again.’

My point, asides from acute embarrassment on behalf of my friend? Teenagers will do anything to get their mitts on the information they need. If you don’t provide it, they will just go and find it anyway. Nancy Friday wasn’t the only woman providing it. Men, you may as well switch off at this point because you won’t know what I am talking about. Women: Judy Blume.

In a thirty-year career that involved writing fiction for young people, Judy Blume has sold over 75 million books. Can I just let that figure linger a little longer? (A bit like the scene from Steve Martin’s ‘The Jerk’ when he writes the cheque and realises that there are several more noughts on the figure than he first thought?)

Seventy-five m-i-l-l-i-o-n books.

People all over the world read ‘Forever’. A story about two young people embarking on their first sexual relationship. It was naughty and it was nice - but not nice enough. To tell a tale of love that involved sex between two young people and no drastic consequences was a little too much for Middle America. To this day, she is one of American’s most banned authors.

Love her or loathe her, she has performed a public service. She still receives hundreds of letters and emails every day. This woman and others like her have helped to make the world an easier place to be for young people. Which is a long way of telling you that I found this little gem in last week’s ‘Stella’. Let the lady herself tell you her own story. It’s worth a read.

Let Love Rule?

Donkey’s years ago, in my early twenties, I got my first proper job. Don’t get me wrong, I’d had hundreds of jobs by this point but this was the first where I got paid monthly i.e. I was going to stay put for longer than ten minutes.

I didn’t mind because it was my hearts desire. My first job in the music business. A whirlwind of gigs, guest lists and glamour, at least in my imagination. In reality, I got to answer the phone to Ian McCulloch. This was no great hardship at the time because I was a huge Echo and the Bunnymen fan. I also got to observe my boss at close quarters, a flame haired Viking of a man with a penchant for the re-arrangement of everyday audio equipment.

‘What do you mean the spare phone doesn’t work?’

‘Well, I phoned BT and they said it wasn’t broken enough to fix’.

He picks up the phone and dashes it to the floor.

‘It’s broken now’.

Okey dokey, I’ll just give them another call then.

In amongst this tomfoolery was the very real opportunity to see as many free gigs as I liked. Me and my friends made full use of this facility. Glastonbury with The Cure, backstage camping and access all areas? I was there. The Cramps at The Crypt in Brixton? Count me in. The Happy Mondays at Wembley Arena? Truly one of the magical musical hi-lights of my life. But it wasn’t just the big boys I was interested in. I went to see the little fish too.

In the winter of ‘89, I went to some dump off Oxford Street to see the first British show of a new artist that the agency had just signed. His name was Lenny Kravitz and he tore the place to shreds. A man, a guitar and a stage. That’s it. Even to my untrained eye, it was quite obvious that something was up. The rest of the crowd thought so too. Both Roachford and Terence Trent D’arby left the room shortly afterwards – literally and metaphorically.

Fast forward to the present day and it is no surprise that Mr Kravitz is a multi million selling babe magnet of a talented man who has……..decided to give up sex until he gets married. Yes, you heard me. Lenny Kravitz will remain celibate until he meets and marries the woman he loves.

Now, I had planned to ponder upon the idea of ‘secondary virginity’. The idea that one can ‘start over’ again, even if one has had quite a lot of sex, thereby attaining secondary, or ‘born-again’ as some types prefer to call it, virginity. But I don’t quite think this is Mr Kravitz’s style. Spiritual he may be, but ‘born again’, I think not.

But once I had googled the words ‘Lenny Kravitz + sex’ and flicked my way through ten pages of the above mentioned story, and counting, I had to ask myself – again, why is it that we cannot get our heads around the fact that some people actively choose not to have sex, for a whole bunch of different reasons? Is it just too much of an anomaly in today’s society to abstain, not for religious reasons, but simply because you want to save it for someone that you really like, or even, dare I say it, love?

I have an issue with ‘The Silver Ring Thing/True Love Waits/Creepy teenage-controlling-right-wing Christian groups. I don’t think it is right to ask what are essentially children to make very adult decisions about their lives and their bodies. It is natural to grow, to change and develop. People must be free to make individual choices as these changes occur. This is what living in a democratic society is all about.

Having said that, I do think it is a sensible question to ask yourself if you are having sex with someone: why am I doing this? I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this question but there is something to be gained by asking it.

Much as I don't like to link to her tedium, (although I do wish her a speedy recovery from her recent illness), Dawn Eden posted this on her blog the other day:

"There is no such thing as giving the body without giving the soul. Those who think they can be faithful in soul to one another, but unfaithful in body, forget that the two are inseparable. Sex in isolation from personality does not exist! An arm living and gesticulating apart from the living organism is an impossibility. The separation of soul and body is death. Those who separate sex and spirit are rehearsing for death'.
—Fulton J. Sheen, Three to Get Married

OK, it’s a tad dramatic but it’s an interesting point. Are we hurting ourselves by having sex with people that we are not commited to? Perhaps this is what Lenny is driving at. Sharing bodily fluids with another human being is pretty serious stuff. Is it not better to do it with someone we love?

Lets face it; we’re not likely to find out unless one of us marries him. Which brings me to my next point. As I pondered these questions in the shower the other morning whilst simultaneously meeting Lenny Kravitz, falling helplessly in love and moving lock, stock and cat to Miami, I arrived at the part where we were just about to get hitched….and panicked! Could I really marry a man that I had never ever had sex with? What if it was awful? A let down, a damp squib. Perhaps he doesn’t even have a penis? My mind flailed around trying to find answers to imaginary questions. This is serious stuff.

I came to my conclusion. No, I don’t think I can marry Lenny. Much as he impressed me with his axe skills all those years ago on a dingy London stage. Marriage is too big a commitment without first road testing the rest of the equipment. Quite apart from the fact that I might go bonkers in the process. I admire Lennie’s commitment to his cause. I would high five him if he were sitting on my bed right now but it would take a lot more than a wedding dress and a ring to win my heart. Sex is way too big a part of a relationship to take a chance on.

Unless we’ve got an ‘everything but’ situation on our hands? Ok, now this I might be able to work with, maybe for Lenny. But then what’s the point in waiting until you get married when you’ve done all the important stuff anyway. Penetration is merely a formality when it comes to sex. There are a hundred ways to enjoy each other without ever having penetrative sex. Or, 'what goes around comes around', as Lenny might say...

The mirror crack'ed

You really can’t ask for more than to Google the words, ‘Halloween’ and ‘virginity’ on 31st of October and come up with a story of Grade A solid-gold creepiness. Click here, if you dare, and witness the horror, the sheer unabashed terror that is David Farrant. If I could put that name into great big spooky capitals, I would. Instead, take look at the picture and imagine a man who has apparently ‘bedded’ 2000 women.

And then Google some more words. ‘In’, ‘your’ and ‘dreams’ should do the trick.

But it’s not all about petrifying ghouls on the one night in the year when the veil between the spirit world and ourselves becomes blurred. It is also a time to plant new seeds and to generally take stock of whatever you might have harvested recently. To this end, The Virginity Project is taking a very brief hiatus whilst it harvests a rather large seed of its own. We have a couple of ‘T’s to cross and a few I’s to dot here at the project…so be assured that normal service will resume ASAP.

In the meantime, perhaps abstinence is an option? If so, here’s some advice - just in case you fall off the wagon.

Dis-ability?

I get asked the following question a lot:

‘What’s your favourite story of all time?’

I always reply with the same answer:

‘My favourite story of all time is the one about the guy with no arms who got to lose his virginity to the sexiest bitch, (his words), in the whole school'.

And why, you ask, why do you love this story so?

I love it because it challenges what I think I know about people. It challenges the subconscious assumptions that we make about people the very first time that we meet them.

’I bet his first time was difficult’. That’s what was going through my mind, consciously or not, the first time that I met Charlie. I based my shortsighted assumption on the fact that Charlie has very little in the way of arms.

Born in the early 1960’s, he was the unlucky recipient, via his mother, of a drug called Thalidomide. Thalidomide had various uses, but it’s most tragic was as a treatment for expectant mothers with morning sickness. With no trials performed on pregnant animals, the results, for over 10, 000 children and parents were devastating. Thalidomide caused serious birth defects, mainly in the shape of abnormally short limbs.

Short limbs were no barrier for Charlie Thomas. Ok, he couldn’t do any press ups, but what he lacked in physical prowess, he more than made up for in other departments. Handsome and charismatic, Charlie was inducted into the language of love by the school hottie, Stella. Stella had 'huge bosom’s, reeked of ‘teenage’, and sashayed down the corridor in a way that stopped everybody in their tracks’. She also rid Charlie of his virginity and when she had finished, she asked him this:

‘Do you mind having sex with my best friend? She’s going to college in a couple of weeks and she doesn’t want to be a virgin when she gets there.’

Errrrr, let me think about that for a moment. Let me just mull that one over. Let me just wonder to myself, shall I, having already had sex with the sexiest bitch in the school, also have sex with her best friend, the girl that I actually fancied more in the first place anyway?

I don’t think I need to tell you how that story ends but I do need to say the following:

‘I bet his first time was difficult’, is a mild judgement in comparison to some.

Yesterday’s Observer ran a fascinating story about Treloar’s College in Hampshire. Treloar’s is a college for physically disabled teenagers over the age of 16, and today they go public with a ground breaking ‘sexuality policy’ – one whose roots lay in a very sad conversation. At 17, and confined to a wheelchair with Cerebral Palsy, a female student asked a teacher, ‘Do you think it is alright for me, as a very disabled person, to fancy someone’? She went on, ‘will society think it’s disgusting?’

The answer to that is possibly yes. Some people will think that.

I listened to Alison Lapper talk on Radio 4 recently, as part of the ‘Sex lives of us’ season on Radio 4. A poll was run to find the most significant landmark work of art on the subject of sexuality in the last fifty years. High on the list – other entries included ‘Don’t Look Now’ and Channel 4’s ‘Queer as folk’ - was Marc Quinn’s sculpture of naked, pregnant and limbless artist Alison Lapper. ‘People don’t want to believe that disabled people even have sexual feelings, let alone actually have sex’, said Lapper. ‘It is still one of the greatest taboos in today’s society’.

‘The Goldfish’ sums up Radio 4’s list of entrants thus:

‘The shortlist is inevitably going to be controversial, but it is both pleasing and interesting to see the statue on the list. It's not that it is an erotic work, but the mere image of a naked pregnant disabled woman challenges so many preconceptions about disability and sexuality; the idea that we can't have sex and have babies, the idea that our imperfect bodies should be hidden in case we frighten the pigeons. It is great to have these messages considered significant alongside other works which explored sexuality and our attitudes towards it’.

The Goldfish will probably be pleased to hear that Treloar College plans to implement a policy that will ‘fundamentally change the ethos of the college’. Somewhere along the line, I think this policy will change a lot more than that. ‘Students’, the document states, ‘not only have the right to pursue sexual relationships, but they will be assisted physically and emotionally by specially trained staff’.

We’re all searching for the perfect relationship. Some of us have checklists; clipboards full even, of criteria to be fulfilled by a potential amour. Are you tall enough, fit enough, polite enough, smart enough? How much baggage are you bringing to the table? A suitcase? Five? An airport runway’s worth? Do you drink? Smoke? Snore? Leave your dirty socks outside the front door? It’s hard work in this day and age to find the right person to have sex with.

Imagine that, having filled all the above criteria; you then have to surmount the following problem - you are so physically disabled that to even hold hands, cuddle or kiss is impossible without assistance from a third party.

‘Before, if any student was caught in a sexually compromising position, they would be expelled’, said Jan Symes in The Observer, but physical relationships, argues Symes, are a basic human right for every individual, able-bodied or not. At least now at Treloar’s there is someone to talk to if a student wants to say, ‘I know I am going to die in a couple of years and I would like a relationship before that’, ‘I fancy someone of the same sex’, or, ‘I have erections because I am a 17 year old boy but I have no hand control’.

Amen to that.

In trying to round the strings of this story up, I hear only the words of 19-year-old Stuart Wickison in my head. Stuart suffers from Duchenne muscular dystrophy.

‘We all have this desire to lose our virginity. We feel we need to experience this ultimate pleasure to balance out the pain we have – not just physical pain; it’s psychological as well. It is as if we feel the only way to make worth of ourselves is to have sex. It sounds so crude, but I feel that to experience that is to live life to the full, to know the whole of life. We don’t have much time left. We have to live our 77 years in 20’.

Kind of puts things into perspective doesn’t it?

C'mon baby.....

It’s tempting to say I googled ‘virginity related news’ and came up with this golden nugget, but the truth is that a nice person emailed it to me on Friday. Thank you Will.

The story originates from Germany’s Bild but I prefer the British version, the beautifully titled, ‘Nude virgins flee sex blaze’. Quality.

A golden opportunity?

All is quiet on the western front and….ohhh…what’s this?

It looks like a virginity related news story…..and indeed it is. This is from yesterday’s Guardian. Have a read. It’s the story of sixteen-year-old Lydia Playfoot, a young woman who was prevented from wearing a ‘purity ring’ by her school.

Veils, crucifix’s and purity rings, its all very topical, that’s for sure. For me, the question that leaps off the page and begs to be asked is, what do British teenagers think about ‘The Silver Ring Thing?’ Will they buy it? Are they queuing up to join? Are you a teenager? If so, what do you think about ‘The Silver Ring Thing?’

There has been much discussion on these pages about virginity of the ‘non-chosen’ variety. Actively deciding to keep your virginity is another matter altogether. What constitutes virginity anyway under the dictates of ‘The Silver Ring Thing’? Is it a complete and total abstinence from any sexual activity at all? Or just what we would commonly consider to be the technical loss of virginity i.e. the first instance of penetrative sex? British or American, I would love to hear any opinions you have on these matters.

Please send a carrier pigeon or email me: katemonroe@yahoo.com

Remember, all names will be changed to protect identity.

From here to virginity...

My search for a great Muslim story has taken me from here to there. It’s taken me from East to West, via Edgware Road, Sheffield and a side order of Elephant and Castle to go. Along the way, I have encountered many helpful people, various blank stares and a couple of bemused looks.

But no story. Yet.

I recently consulted the ‘Teach yourself’ guide to Islam and read the following: ‘Marital relationships should be discreet, and intimate details not divulged to any outsiders which would be hurtful and embarrassing to the partner concerned’.

There it was, in black and white. No self respecting Muslim is ever going to talk to me about the loss of virginity, much less the subsequent sexual journey they have taken. Its not that Muslims don’t have sex – the Qur’an is quite clear about that. Sex is regarded in Islam as ‘the gift of Allah that gives the human being, in a small way, the experience of the bliss of paradise, in advance.’ But it doesn’t mean that they want to talk about it, and quite frankly, I don’t blame them.

That was until I spied this spicy little piece on Salon.com. Female, Muslim, and a sexologist, with her own slot on popular TV show ‘The Big Talk’, Dr Heba Kotb is a rare creature indeed. She won’t be writing an Islamic version of Nancy Friday’s ‘The Secret Garden’ any time soon, nor will Joe.My.God be inviting her stateside for tea and Biscuits. Some of her views are ‘downright regressive’. But as Tracy Clark-Flory says, ‘in the Muslim world, the 39-year-old is considered a radical liberal’.

Check her out. It’s not everyday you will encounter a fresh faced, hijab wearing, pinstripe suited, Muslim sexologist with her own TV show. As she herself says, sex education in Egypt is ‘non-existent’. The phone lines are burning up each week as young Muslims scramble to have their sexual dilemma’s solved.

And whilst some of Dr Kotbs views are anathema to westernized ears, Rome was not built in a day. ‘One step at a time’, as the man in the old Cornflakes advertisement used to say, as he drove his car to the corner shop in his jogging gear.

One step at a time.

Virgin territory...

Well. What can I say?

Anyone who is prepared to subject themselves to the ‘intimate’ scrutiny of mainstream television is a man with balls - not of steel, but PLATINUM! If that doesn’t rid you of your shyness James, nothing will.

Last night’s ‘Virgin School’ made for an odd televisual experience. The fact that James was prepared, not only to stand up and tell the world that he is a virgin, but to effectively lose his virginity in front of a national television audience speaks volumes about the power of virginity. It tells us how, in this day and age, being a virgin is not just a person who has not had sex, but a person without a sexual identity – in a world where sex governs so much more of what we think, feel and do than we are ever conscious of.

So much of modern culture is wrapped and packaged around the idea that sex is something we are all doing, at any given moment, at every opportunity we can. And some of us are! But some of us aren’t. Some people, like James, have not even leapt the first hurdle. Well, until last night that is.

James, may your newfound sexual confidence serve you long and well.

You deserve it.

Start me up...

Well, look what we have here…

Billy and Chloe have single handedly kick-started a revolution. Starting this very evening, Channel 4 is launching its ‘Virgin Season’. A series of three documentaries, it starts tonight with ‘Virgin School’, and it looks like a cracking show – although the Daily Mail wasn’t convinced.

Featuring James, the 26 year old virgin, this documentary follows his progress as he journeys to Holland, (where else), and the curiously titled ‘Aquarion’ School.

A school for ‘love and leadership’, Aquarion will take James through a four month course ‘designed by experienced professionals to boost self confidence – both socially and sexually, and will culminate with the opportunity for James to lose his virginity to a sex therapist coach’. Gulp.

No pressure then.

The fact that a major British broadcaster is devoting an hour to a programme about a 26-year-old man who has never had sex is possibly the most pertinent point in all this. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for it, but it is interesting that in today’s society; James is considered such an anomaly. We simply cannot get our heads around the fact that some people can’t or don’t have sex.

As you can imagine, if you continually search for people to interview about virginity loss, as I have, you encounter a fair few people who say, ‘I can’t help you because I have never actually had sex’. People of all ages, married (YES!), single, gay, straight, whatever. There are all sorts of people out there, who, for all sorts of reasons, have never lost their virginity.

So, James, I haven’t watched your programme yet, but whatever the outcome, Bravo! Get out there and go where no man has boldly gone – to lose your virginity in full view of a large television audience.

You are a brave man.