The Virginity Project

Touched for the very first time...

It’s all about virginity loss. Or is it?

When I began this project I was like a dog with a bone. We all lose our virginity and I couldn’t wait to get out there, wrestle a few subjects to the ground and ‘listen’ to the stories. Well, I have. I continue to. And I love it. I love listening to the episodes in people’s lives that are imprinted into our psyches like hot wax into a seal. The moment itself could be as dull as dishwater but it doesn’t matter because the beauty is in the detail and the connective tissue of emotions that frame this unique story.

‘You never fall in love like you do when you’re eighteen. Shot though the heart. I’ll have that again, any day of the week.’ Russell, lost virginity aged 17

Virginity loss is the backdrop to a thousand visceral teenage moments…

‘For me, the first hands-down-the-pants experience was far more significant. That was earth shattering. I mean, there is a hole there. How bizarre is that?’ Tim, lost virginity aged 16

Virginity loss is the swing door between child and adulthood. A door that we all want to push…even if we’re unsure of what we may find on the other side….

‘It was a pivotal moment, not only because I lost my virginity but also because it was a first taste of freedom, of what life could be like out in the big wide world and it was totally thrilling’. Heidi, lost virginity aged 15

In a Carrie Bradshaw moment of contemplation recently, I got to thinking. What happens if you never got around to having a ‘first time’? Or even a second or third time? What happens if you don’t actually have a sex life at all? Because believe me, it does happen. My inbox will attest to this. There are a whole lot of people in this sex sodden world that can’t, won’t or don’t have sex. They are sidelined, different, square pegs in round holes, whatever you want to call them, my inbox is full of people with no place else to go.

In the old days it wouldn’t have mattered because nobody talked about sex. It wasn’t on page 3. It wasn’t even on the top shelf. It was alluded to. In the words of one of my interviewees, ‘My grandmother used to buy ‘Woman’s Own’ and we got a lot of information from reading the problem pages despite the fact that the problems were never spelt out. We had to do an awful lot of reading between the lines to guess what they were talking about.’

It’s not like that now. Talking about our sex lives is virtually an Olympic sport. Sex is everywhere and as such, we have a ‘keeping up with the Jones’s’ type situation on our hands. A sex life is a bit like a new house or a car. We all want to know if ours is as good as the next person’s. Is it as fast, shiny and fabulous as my neighbours? Do the posh curtains reflect the reality of what lies behind them? (Quite possibly not), and if it isn’t up to par, can I trade it in for a new one?

It’s all about the sex. The quality, the quantity, the ups and the downs, the literal in’s and the outs. Ok, I’m done with the metaphors and I fear I am driving this car in another direction but my point is this: Is it necessary to have sex in today’s society and is there something wrong with you if you don’t?

Of course, one must differentiate between those that have tried and didn’t want to buy and the ones that never even got to first base. I was looming around the toaster the other morning. For anyone who knows me, this is my edible version of the water cooler. The toaster always has the answers – and food. As I smeared butter and marmite over two lucky pieces of bread, a work colleague suddenly confided in me. ‘I’m not really bothered about sex at all. I’m quite happy with a cuddle. If I never had sex again, I wouldn’t be that fussed’.

I almost choked on my breakfast. She is twenty-five, healthy and engaged to be married. Is there something wrong with her? I can’t say. I am not a scientist but it wasn’t something that she wanted to shout about. Why would you? Everything in today’s society pushes women towards the idea of being sexy – and sexy equals having sex. Admitting you don’t have sex is virtually akin to being a non-functioning member of the human race.

We can ask questions. Is her relationship as it 'should' be? How does her future husband feel about this? Does he even know? And why do we care so much? People posses varying degrees of sex drive. Some people want to have a lot of sex and some people don’t. It probably is that simple but we still want to dig a little deeper and ask what is really wrong with a person who could have a lot of sex - but chooses not to. Women after all, are the only species on the planet with a body part dedicated solely to the pursuit of pleasure.

I fear I am asking more questions than I can answer. Modern life is complicated and I sometimes wonder if the proliferation of sex in today’s society has created more questions than it can answer. Older generations had less expectation for their lives but modern life commands us to ‘have it all’ – careers, families and oodles of sex. Excuse the pun but life can be a juggling act and sometimes a ball has to be dropped.

For those who don’t get past first base, religion is often a barrier and guilt is another. Sometimes both at the same time. But we can’t blame everything on religion. The number one enemy of virginity loss is the C word - confidence - and lack of. Like anything else in life, the longer you take to get around to something, the bigger deal it becomes. The unknown can begin to assume scary proportions and before you know it, you’ve got a low-grade phobia standing in your way. I see it all the time. As the days, months and years tick by; people feel they have been excluded from a race that everybody else seems to be winning. Can they ever catch up?

With guts and determination, anything is possible. Check the story I posted on the 21st of October. Its an extreme example but its owner was a sixty year old man who lost his virginity FOUR years ago, so no. It’s never too late and if it makes you feel any better, you are not alone. There are so many people out there who have never had sex. It’s just that you’re not wearing badges advertising the fact. I recently got this email from Lisa* in the States:

‘I see the majority of your project has to do with collecting stories on people losing their virginity. My problem is little different. I am a virgin who is looking for a male virgin to have a long-term relationship with which will hopefully lead to a sexual relationship that is based on love and not just the physical act. Some people try to advise me to go church to meet someone, but that's the thing: I'm not Christian. I'd consider myself agnostic.’

Frustrated with her own visibility and that of other virgins, she has decided to take action:

Several days ago I set up a simple forum for virgins seeking virgins.In my willingness to try to be more inclusive, I'm not completely against people joining who are coming from a religious stance with their virginity. However, as I have explained to more than one person, it seems like there are many dating websites our there for Christian singles and other religious persons. I wanted to take this in a more non-religious slant.

If you'd still like to mention the forum that I set up, here it is:

http://virginseekingvirgin.yourbb2.com/.

I saw Donny Deutsch on TV yesterday talking about how men should use business strategies in their personal lives in order to find someone special. ‘Have a plan and don't wait for things to just happen.’ I'm smart enough to know that when it comes to something so imprecise as picking the right time, place, and person to fall in love with, making a plan isn't always going to work. But the idea that I took from that is this: you have to make yourself visible. I figure, if people can ask for things like a BDSM relationship on an Internet ad, why should I feel weird about asking for a virgin relationship?’

Here, here. I concur, and I am back where I began. I began to collect stories about virginity loss but along the way, I learnt just as much about life, longing and love from the people who don’t have sex as the ones who do. It isn't all about virginity loss. No matter who you are or what you are, all your stories have their place and their purpose. Sexuality isn’t all about having sex and life is so much more than just a series of milestones.

*All names changed to protect identity.

Part 2 of the prostitute post...

I did some market research last week, not for myself, but more like the kind where you get paid hard cash to talk about washing powders, socks and cat food. On this occasion, the client was a well-known brand of contraceptive and the discussion, predictably, my sex life. By some kind of divine intervention, serendipity or perhaps just sheer co-incidence, the venue was the exact same one that I have booked on several occasions to interview people about virginity loss. Same room, same table, same chair, different interviewee – me.

All I had to do was to sit and answer questions about love, relationships, intimacy and ‘female empowerment’. Now, perhaps you think I am going to tell you about how hard it was, how tormented I felt by the turning of the tables and about my fresh resolution never to interview anyone about the vagaries of their intimate lives again. Think again. Like many of my subjects, I found the experience strangely pleasing. The mental equivalent of tidying cupboards, it felt much like putting my house in order and an altogether not entirely unpleasant way to spend a couple of hours. The cash helped push things along too.

It did make me cast my mind back to someone I interviewed in this very room, almost a year ago to the day. It was 90 degrees outside in the urban jungle, (I know, I know), and the heat rose to fill this Soho attic with a wet, sweaty intensity the like of which I have not experienced before or since. Cold drinks were drunk, surplus to requirement clothing removed, but it was no good. I didn’t help matters by turning off the fan. Yes, I turned off the fan. It was loud and I knew I couldn’t incur the wrath of my transcriber by allowing it to leave its word-destroying whir on my tape. I didn’t want to, believe me, but when you’ve got one shot to get a story you want, you’re not gonna waste it.

The air was thick like treacle as I attempted to wend my way to the heart of an unusual story. It’s owner was a married man in his early fifties - who has never had sex. At least not the penetrative type, the kind we use to mark the ‘loss’ of virginity and the universal step into adulthood.

It felt like a cross between caporeira and a boxing match as we sparred and I sought to find a way to deliver the line. The one question that would unlock the padlock to the puzzle and unleash the answers we both wanted to hear. I don’t think I got there on that occasion. This was a man at the beginning of a big journey. Agreeing to tell a stranger his innermost secrets was probably the first step, but it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying on my part.

As I bought the interview to a close, I thanked him for taking part. ‘Thanks for allowing me to grill you’, I said, without thinking. I laughed, because if his internal organs were not lightly poached by the intensity of the heat, I would have been very surprised. I had literally grilled him alive.

Fast-forward a year and it’s a different story. Rain is involved but we won’t dwell on that, and I am in the hot seat. As we finish up, my interviewer and I discuss my own research and I mention some of the people I still hope to interview.

‘Oh, if you’re looking for a man who lost his virginity to a prostitute, just give the office a ring’, he says.

‘How do you mean?’ I ask

‘Well, it’s a market research company isn’t it. They can find you anyone you need, of any demographic. Just ring them up and tell them what you’re looking for, pay them eighty quid and they’ll find him for you.

Uh? You mean it’s that easy? After all this, it turns out that I can order exactly what I want from an instant catalogue of human experience?

I am pleased. But strangely downcast. In that moment, I am hit with a blinding truth. I enjoy the search. I like the twists and turns, the ups and downs, the highs and the lows. I have no idea what is around the corner but the possibilities thrill me, excite me, because when you do find what you want, you know you got there all by yourself and it feels fucking great. I may yet take him up on his offer, but for the time being, the game remains very much on. I am still searching for something quite specific. I will know exactly what it is when I find it.

The fat of the land...

Your stories

Anyone who has ever worked with me, or perhaps even just passed me on the street, will know that there’s a fat person in me just waiting to get out. I like to eat. To this end, work life is proving rewarding on so many levels. People book meetings and they book catering. Do they eat it? No they don’t. Fear not, the fox is here. My new life is an endless round of sandwiches, cakes, sushi and pleasingly crunchy Japanese rice crackers. Lucky for me, I have the metabolism of a whippet with which to take this extra ballast on board.

Of course, this is nothing to do with anything in particular, it is merely the gentle runway into a post about something that people frequently relate to food - sex. Earlier in the week, we heard from Sally, a Roman Catholic from New England who was lamenting the loss of her ‘connection to Christ’. Despite being uplifted at the loss of her virginity and the subsequent beginning of her sex life, she had felt unable to return to church since the deed had been done. Needless to say, Sally is not married.

In reply, I am posting an email sent to me recently from a lady in Australia. This is not a direct response to Sally’s plight, but she makes some salient points about the issues with which Sally is wrestling. To my mind, she delivers her sharpest punch with this line. Sexuality begins long before intercourse.

Toni. Born 1988. Not yet lost virginity.

I have problems with the focus on virginity in discourse about sexuality, particularly in religious discourse. How is it more holy to be at any stage of sexual intimacy? Where do you draw the line? What is a ‘sexual relationship’ anyway? I'm coming to the conclusion that any romantic relationship between adults, and most between adolescents, will be a sexual relationship. It doesn't have to be an intimate one.

I was at a conference last weekend where we had several really good and practical conversations about premarital sex and sex in general. It was all unplanned - the conference was a ‘radical discipleship’ conference. We talked about social justice, faith communities and political activism, but at the end of the weekend, we were also very concerned about sex.

I don't think it's something we talk about enough in the church. So I'm going to do my bit for open conversation, and write something for The Virginity Project.

To begin with, me. I'm nineteen, I live in Australia and I'm a Christian. I went to a small community Christian school where the dominant Christian culture is politically and socially conservative. I consider myself a virgin, although I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable with the term. I have chosen in my relationships not to have sexual intercourse, and also not to engage in some of the more intimate forms of, ‘outer course’, (what a great word!). I intend to continue in, ‘abstinence’, (also a problem word for me), perhaps until marriage and certainly not until I find myself in a committed adult relationship with a long-term future.

My choices about sex are religious choices. However, it's important to understand that I don't make a distinction between ‘secular’ and ‘religious’ choices. To live as a person of faith requires that you live your whole life as a religious choice. My choices about sex are also personal, emotional and practical. They aren't made simply because "the bible tells me so". And they aren't made because my school showed a video of an American prancing around and screaming about teenage pregnancy and sticky-tape .

I handed my virginity pledge in blank, because I object to that sort of manipulation and I didn't feel like I was in any position to make that decision as a never-been-kissed-before, fourteen year old. Most importantly, they're not choices made by my Religious Brain repressing other parts of me.

I don't remember reading much about sex which can be attributed to Jesus himself. He told an adulterous woman not to sin again, but it's worth noting that on that occasion, he was the dangerous liberal, preventing the ‘religious right’ of the day from stoning her. I don't think we can know Jesus' mind on sex quite as easily as some people say we can. The greatest commandment, he said, is to ‘love one another as I have loved you.’ It's a useful line. The Christian life must be loving. To me, that means more than just being in love with your partner. It means engaging in sexual relationships which enrich you as individuals and your relationship. It means not knowingly engaging in sexual activities which will cause harm, (emotional, spiritual, physical), to yourself or your partner. It also means not harming third parties, which is a complicated area - if my fellow Christians were distressed by my sexual life, does that mean I shouldn't have one? I'm not sure, and I don't think laying down a hard and fast rule will help anyone in deciding that.

My decision is personal. It's one based on my relationships and the development of my sexuality so far. I want time to explore that, without rushing madly to ‘fourth base’. What an awful way to think about sex- it's not a list of objectives, it's about intimacy. I'm still changing at a rate of knots, I don't feel I can talk with any certainty about who I will be and who I will love in the future.

Abstinence education tells you that the primary focus is on not having sexual intercourse, and on overriding the physical desire to do so. It teaches you that there is a division between body and mind, and that you need to call the latter in against the former. It doesn't prepare you - or at least, it never prepared me - for that confusing state of being, when your body and mind both want someone desperately, and yet both are overloaded with new sensations and desperately want out.

We desire our partners, and it seems daft to me to pretend we can cut that off and then magically call it into being on the honeymoon. There are conservative Christians who will tell you that you shouldn't do anything which will start to turn you on. I think that's a little on the pointless side. They are right when they say that sexuality starts long before intercourse.

Having never received secular sex education, I don't know how they deal with it, but we in the church certainly need to do better by our fellows, in open conversation about sex and how we deal with sexuality.

Dazed & confused...

I get a lot of email from male virgins. In fact, I have built up quite a correspondence with a few of them. I can’t help it. This project has been an eye-opener in so many respects but none more so than when it comes to men. Men are the new women. Life isn’t easy for men. I feel for them.

In the dark old days, we all knew where we stood. Gender roles were clear and we knew what parts we were playing in the game of life, but no more! Women, whether we know it or not, hold the cards. Men have to try and guess the suit. And guess. And guess. And guess.

And this is the rub. This is the hard, indecipherable bit that even we women don’t understand. Women can have sex upside down, standing on their heads whilst road-testing a rabbit and plotting their next career move….but we still want a man to be a man. How much of a man remains a mystery. Should you be macho, strong, confident and assured? Or a great cook, a good listener, a shoulder to cry on? Swing too far in one direction and we don’t like you. Too full of yourself, so arrogant, get with the twenty first century Warren Beatty! Stray too close to the shores of metrosexuality and we'll have you down as 'the little brother I never had’. AKA, the man I love to talk to but wouldn’t deem worthy of a shag in a month of Sundays.

My friend Rob chucked a copy of ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss, at me a while back. ‘Have a read of that’, he said. ‘It’ll give you an idea of what’s going through a man’s mind, especially when it comes to losing virginity’.

It didn’t look good. The story goes something like this: ‘Rolling Stone’ journalist decides to go undercover in the world of ‘pick up’. This is a bona fide community of men who have developed fail-safe techniques with which to pick up women. Anyone can join in - they have boot camps, training manuals and websites. It is very real and very popular. Rolling Stone journalist then gets a taste for his brief. Just a little toooo much. Time elapses and before long, he has morphed into ‘Style’, one of the worlds best loved pick up artists.

I expected to hate this book. I loved it. Couldn’t put it down in fact.

Strauss is easy to like. He’s honest and emotional. He’s the good guy in a sea of grade-A creepiness. But it was the rollercoaster ride into the minds of men that really got me going. The guts gathered and torn to shreds on a daily basis and the crushing disappointment, as each sad and lonely character picks himself up, dusts himself down and throws his tattered ego back into the game. And it is a game. Confidence and chat are everything. Good looks and physique count for very little.

Now, far be it from me to shed light on the negative, but some of your dating disasters are funny. And some of you like to share them. Welcome to the world of Travis, a man on a mission to lose his virginity. This wasn’t technically a ‘date’, but it could be deemed a disaster.

‘I'd like to say that dating has gotten easier and less dramatic. But in reality only the locations, details and type of drama have changed.

Examples? Sure...

An afternoon doctor appointment resulted in a pre-diagnosis of testicular cancer. Fortunately, I was invited to a crawfish boil that evening, so I could decompress with my hosts. I wound up chatting up a woman - which is rare for me if I know nothing about her, to which her friends responded with a ‘distract and extract.’ This is where one friend gets you to turn around by asking a question like, ‘so how do you know, [the hosts]?’ and the woman you were chatting up is quickly swept away…

I was working in the airline industry after 9/11, so we were short-staffed and stressed. As I drove to the clinic for my appointment the next day, I had a mid-term in Organic Chemistry that night that I knew I was going to bomb. Take a guess who was behind the counter when I got there?

Yes.

Would she remember me? Would she see me? And does the receptionist need to yell ‘testicular ultrasound’ loud enough that the Inuit-natives in northern Alaska can hear?

Little did I know that she would be the one taking me out back to the room. Little did I know that she was the radiology tech. And as she walked me to the room, she had this look on her face like she knew me...but couldn’t quite place me.

Considering that all I would be wearing were socks, a gown to my mid-chest, and a strategically placed towel...this was not good. Imagine me playing out the combinations of things that I could do to not look like ‘me from the night before’. Why not keep my baseball cap on? Didn't have it last night. Take off my glasses? Perfect!

Like a squinting, mostly naked guy with a cap over his face isn't going to attract attention. I went with just the glasses.

Now, given the right situation, if we knew each other better...had gone out a bit...and I knew minor details like her last name, I might not have minded her hand being an inch from my genitals. Or the fact that she was using a vibrating wand of sorts. But we didn't know each other better. And I was praying that I could get out of there with a shred of my pride intact.

It was a race against the clock. She kept glancing over at my face, to the point where I wanted to say, ‘shouldn't you be keeping an eye on the screen?’ About two minutes before she was gone, I saw the flash of recognition and a smirk across her face.

F$)%.

I'm sure her and her friends had a good laugh over it. I can laugh about it now, but it didn't happen overnight. It's one of those stories that sounds made up. I wouldn't believe it.

The cancer, at least, had the decency to turn out negative.

Stuck on you...

Your stories

In a rollercoaster ride of bi-sexual ‘first times’, chastity rings and virginity, we have meandered our way through some richly contrasting life stories recently. For many reasons, I find America a fascinating country, the disparate voices of your stories, just one of them.

I am constantly amazed at the amount of time and energy spent trying to convince young Americans that they don’t want to do what their bodies are impelling them to do at every turn. I am not suggesting that we give into our every whim and desire, just that we are human beings with hormones and needs. To deny them is akin to trying to hold back the tide.

This story illustrates two things. That putting a mental straightjacket on a thirteen-year-old girl is not healthy. Her natural inclination is to grow and change. What may be appropriate at thirteen will not flex to fit her eighteen year old self. It also shows, that left to their own devices, most teenagers are more than capable of making sensible choices for their futures, if only we will allow them.

Would it not be better to make them well-informed choices as well?

Danni from Texas. Born 1982.

The vow to one's father is a bit creepy if you look at it like that. But if you're looking at marriage as a contract to provide for the woman, it makes more sense, as the parents protect and provide until a husband comes along. Archaic to be sure, but true for so many women. As far as the extent of virginity, it's more of a spirit of the law than letter thing. Most girls are of the ‘technical-so-it's-okay’ camp, while I think their parents delude themselves with the idea of chaste
kisses on the porch swing. Technicality is stupid. Either you're going to abstain from things or you should just go ahead and do it.

I'm in my mid-twenties and still have my ring: silver with an open gold heart in the center. I got it at age thirteen from my parents, not as a formal part of one of those programs, but as something they expected
unquestioning obedience in. It was 1995 and would be a couple of years until, ‘True Love Waits’ came in force to the giant Baptist church where I went to school in Texas. Then it seemed like everyone had them. Notthat it made a difference.

At the school I went to through graduation, you got expelled for sex. People had it of course, but it was an easy environment to not be caught up in sex and drugs and drinking. I was in the popular group,
but focused on my studies and didn't care for anyone in the meager selection of boys in our small school. Then I went to an overwhelmingly huge university and defaulted into the group of similar people at my church's college group where it continued to be easy to
not sleep around.

The restrictive environment of church friends and a struggle with depression made it easy not to form attachments or fancy myself in love; rather I was ruthless in faultfinding. The only time I was fun
and approachable was when I was drunk. Then I would wind up pressed up against walls in clubs making out with strangers, suddenly realizing what was happening when I would be pulled away, half-topless by friends or when the guy would want to fuck me right there. That
stopped a couple of years back, and I'm lucky that I never got raped.

Midway through college, I deconstructed my faith and beliefs, finally freeing myself from the shackles of American Evangelical Christianity. But after waiting that long and not being the sort to go after a bunch
of meaningless one-night stand sex, it made sense to wait until I was in a relationship where there was love and respect. I haven't found that yet, but the next real relationship will probably be the one. I want it to be my choice and not a mandate set down (even though it’s with the best intentions) by antiquated groupthink

Rock Solid

As Billy, a 25 year old virgin from the USA pointed out to me last month, ‘Surely you don’t believe that everyone on the planet loses their virginity?’

His point was taken and a chasm duly opened. For all of you virgins out there who think you are ‘the only ones’, let me assure you that you are not. The response, in terms of your emails, has been overwhelming. There is not a lot of space, it seems, for people who have not chosen to be virgins. With one arm, society buffets young people toward abstinece or ‘waiting for the right one’, and ‘the perfect relationship’. With the other, it pushes those who bypass the universal non-virginity club into the corner of the room, along with every other person who never got picked for the metaphorical school sports team.

These people are everywhere - but remain invisible. Because rightly or wrongly, society deems them an abberation or 'not the norm'. For all these reasons, I am glad to provide the space for you to speak, with the additional hope, that when you do lose your virginity, in the words of Cilla Black, ‘you come back to tell us all about it.’

Here, Chloe, a twenty-nine year old Roman Catholic from Indonesia, responds to Billy....

Billy: I used to think it was my extreme introversion that caused it, but I
don't believe that anymore. I don't believe it because, as this blog's
main page so simply states, virginity is lost "no matter who we are or
where we come from". And with relationships being partially a game of odds, eventually you're going to get a hit, introvert or otherwise.

Chloe: I am rather introvert; however, a lot of times my extrovert side could take over and I can be friendly and talkative. So I agree that being introvert does not mean necessarily mean why we are not what is considered ‘successful’ in the relationship area...and also I agree about relationships being the game of odds, but I have to say from what I've seen it does seem to be a rather odd game, where there are certain rules, even unspoken rules, that only people who have been in the game long enough would understand.

Billy: Now I'm at a point where I feel it's too late. Or rather, I haven't
completely decided what I feel yet, but 'too late' is a popular thought.
Heck, half the time, I'm convinced a relationship isn't even
something that I want. It's frustrating, because thinking about this
obviously accomplishes very little. And the more I think, the more time
passes and the further behind, and more frustrated, I become.

Chloe: I suppose it does make it a different story if you don't want a relationship or are still not sure you want it or not. For my case, I do know I want it. I probably idealise a relationship and the almost ‘perfect’ soulmate and some of my friends suggested it is probably why I haven't found the person to have long-term relationship with.

Billy: My rationalization is that since most people start in their mid to late
teens, that's a decade of experience that any potential mate
would have under her belt, (in a matter of speaking). And like absolutely
every skill of value, the more practice and experience you get, the
better you become.

Chloe: This is probably true. I don't think people can tell I'm that sexually conservative since I just do what other people in my age who live in big cities do. I go clubbing when I feel like dancing and even though I’m not much of a drinker and my head is always clear in the club scene, I do sometimes get ‘accidental’ kisses from drunk acquaintances and this is when it hits me how inexperienced I am, since I don't, or wouldn't know how to respond.

I physically enjoy it sometimes, especially if it's from a guy I am attracted to but still the fear I must admit is that I don't know how to kiss and even fear that I might be a bad kisser. Let alone the fear whether I'm good in bed or not...some friends suggested me to ‘practise’ with some guy even though I would not have a relationship with him, just for the sake to practise. I can see the purpose of this, yet my conservative streak just can't make me. I suppose I consider having a relationship not a play where you can ‘use’ somebody, just for the sake of practice.

Billy: Movies and television often portray relationships as fated encounters that defy explanation, and many people are subdued into believing this. I would wager that these people are of the mindset that a relationship is something out of our control that just ‘happens’, rather than a skill to be honed.

Chloe: Exactly what I've been brought up to believe, that relationships will happen when the time is right and when you meet the right person. It can even be your friend whom you grow to love more and more over time, which is sort of considered a good practice back home, instead of going to a pub/bar/club to ’meet’ somebody. But I wouldn't wait in front a window of a tower to be rescued by a prince in shining armour, let's put it that way. I would do my normal life, go out and socialise, meet new people when I have the chance.

Billy: Which is what brought me to your website in the first place. I was
searching for a site that tackled virginity from the virgin's perspective.
Maybe a community of people who are virginal and beyond a reasonable
age, say twenty. But if such a place exists I haven't found it yet, and if I
did would I even like who I'd found? What I did find was yet more
evidence that I'm in a startlingly small minority, which abruptly ended my
search.

Chloe: I am in my late twenties, actually this month is going to make me reach my thirties. I'm sure there are people back home who are similar with me, at least in terms of the values to keep his/her virginity till the day s/he is married.

However, since I have spent some time abroad, meeting people of different viewpoints, culture and values, I think I'm mixed up by now to put it simply. I have come to believe that our sexuality is not to be surpressed. Nor to be considered dirty. If it is a pleasure for some people, what is the sin to enjoy it - just like having pleasure in taking a bubble bath or eating your favourite chocolate? I still believe that it doesn't sound right to consider sex as a light matter. I guess since I've never had it, which ever way you want to call it, oral one, anal one, or the ‘real’ one, I never had, so I don't have the authority to say a strong opinion on this, but to me, making love is something so intimate, that it doesn't sound right to just make such an intimate connection with people you don't love, let alone some stranger.

And if we go back to the 'practice' issue, I believe that your emotions and feelings will take over and make things go naturally. I suppose a couple would learn about each other, what the partner likes or dislikes over time and it would make the ‘connection’ physically and emotionally better.

Billy: Well, I guess in the end I did have a fair bit to say. I could say more
but I'm not sure this is even what you're looking for so I'll stop here. It was still interesting for me to get some of this on paper. Writing has a way of forcing things into a somewhat meaningful order.

Chloe: Indeed. I can't say I'm such a strong person that I will keep these values I've been saying above. I hope I am such a strong person, for the right reason... if the loneliness hasn't broken me finally. I sometimes imagined maybe I would feel more free, as if released from something or probably feeling like I have no inhibition anymore, after I lost my virginity.  

I can wait for a person who does love me and would be patient to teach me and doesn't have to jump to the sex part, but just the kissing, and the foreplay and how to be in a relationship. I've always thought I can find such person. I don't think there is right nor wrong for this matter.

Sometimes even a solid rock can't stand for long against strong flow of water let's say. Or the rock probably is eroded little by little till it's eventually gone. It's just a metaphor...
 
Kate, I would like to thank you however to provide this forum. At least I know I'm not alone, even in liberal countries such as where Billy and Claire are from.
And to be able to talk about it does make me feel hopeful that this viewpoint that can be considered rare, can be viewed or even hopefully understood by others who have a different view.
 
Cheers,
****** aka Chloe

The American James...

MTV in the States emailed me this request the other day...if you fit the bill, and you're game..go for it.

'MTV is casting a fun, new documentary style reality series about
relationships & dating from a MALE perspective. We're looking for
virgin guys (21 & up) on their quest to break out of their shell &
improve their love life.

Do you get nervous around women? Are you stuck in the friend zone? Do
you find you're too busy to date?

Whatever the reason, if you or someone you know is a virgin guy in the
Greater Los Angeles area, we want to meet them!

Email MTV casting with your name, age, location, phone number & email,
and include a current photo & a brief history of your love life. Send
to tomiko.jones@mtvnmix.com ASAP!

*guys must be within driving distance of Los Angeles
*friends may be a part of the show
*casting immediately, don't let this opportunity pass you by!'

Like a virgin?

Sex is everywhere. There’s so much of it, you can’t even see it most of the time. It’s on the telly, the Internet, in magazines and newspapers. It entices you to buy things, it’s a gang that you want to join and if you buy these very sexy underpants then you probably can. One could quite easily delude oneself that virtually everybody in the world is having sex, right now. It is a currency, a method of communication. It is the wallpaper of life.

I am here to tell you that not quite everybody is having sex. In fact, quite a few people have never had sex. Billy, below, might imagine that he is in a minority but he is not. I am no statistician, but in the last eighteen months, a fair proportion of the people that I have approached have been virgins. Not one of them has been a wart-covered sociopath with little in the way of charm or beauty. They all appear to be perfectly normal people – of all ages, who have never, for one reason or another, had sex.

Whilst my primary motive has always been to research the loss of virginity and the subsequent journey that we take, perhaps by excluding those who have chosen (or not), to retain their virginity, I am not painting the real picture. I will begin to make amends by posting Billy’s thoughts on the subject…

Hello Kate, or Ms Monro,

I just discovered your Virginity Project while
performing a web search. I like the idea for the site,
but that's not why I'm e-mailing today.

My ‘problem’ is with the small paragraph that runs
down the left margin of the page. It says, ‘Losing our
virginity, it happens to all of us, no matter who we
are or where we come from’. I find this to be
a generalization and somewhat presumptuous. Surely you
don't believe that everyone on the planet loses their
virginity?

You could drop that opening sentence, or replace it
with something less... antagonistic. If anything, I find
it puts more pressure on the virgins of the world,
making them feel even more estranged, given
that apparently everyone has sex.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to point out. I put the
word 'problem' in quotes above because I'm not someone
who takes offense to... well, anything really. As such
I'm not going to be disappointed if you leave
the sentence up on your site. I just wanted you to know that
reading it made me feel like crap, and has no doubt
made the same impression on other perpetual virgins who
stumble upon your site.

Sincerely,

Billy*

Dear Billy

Thank you for your imput. Consider my side panel
modified.

No, seriously, I take your comment fully on board
because it is a valid one. I have, in my travels,
encountered quite a lot of virgins. All of different
ages, some of them having made a conscious choice to
hang onto virginity and others not.

Is this something that you might consider writing
about? It’s an interesting perspective and one that
people might be interested to hear about. Have you
perhaps had near misses? Or do you have an ideal
scenario in your head? I don't know, I am just
throwing the idea out there....

Anyway, many apologies for making you feel bad, it
certainly wasn't intended.

Best wishes from Kate

Hi Kate,

I appreciate the small but significant modification.

As for writing, I'm sure I'd have a fair bit to say on the subject if I
thought about it. But I'm still at odds with myself about the whole
situation. I can tell you I've not had any near misses, nor am I waiting
for the right moment as many people like to say. In truth, I've never
had anything, ever, at all.

I'd be surprised if there existed a more virginal virgin.

I don't have any obvious flaws that would cause this incredible streak
of nothingness, so I can only assume there's something instinctually
missing from my genetic makeup. Hmmm, but that would suggest a
hereditary trait, which would be impossible! So let's call it psychological instead
of genetic. It's not even a lack of sexual drive. I have more than
enough of that.

Similarly, I also have to assume that whatever I am missing is present
in most people, explaining why so many of them lose their virginity at
a young age. Obviously sex is a hot topic so these discussions do happen
with some frequency, The common theme is that it's quite easy to have sex,
or more specifically to find a willing partner. In fact it's so easy that people
are almost having sex by accident, after a night at the club/bar or
wherever.

I used to think it was my extreme introversion that caused it, but I
don't believe that anymore. I don't believe it because, as your blog's
main page so simply states, virginity is lost "no matter who we are or
where we come from". And based on what I've seen in my 26 years on the
planet, it's true. Don't get me wrong, introversion is certainly not
going to help the aspiring non-virgin, but with relationships being
partially a game of odds, eventually you're going to get a hit, introvert or
otherwise.

Now I'm at a point where I feel it's too late. Or rather, I haven't
completely decided what I feel yet, but ‘too late’ is a popular thought.
Heck, more than half the time I'm convinced a relationship isn't even
something that I want. And it's frustrating, because thinking about this
obviously accomplishes very little. And the more I think the more time
passes and the further behind, (and more frustrated), I become.

My rationalization is that since most people start in their mid to late
teens, that's about a decade of experience that any potential mate
would have under her belt, (in a matter of speaking). And like absolutely
every skill of value, the more practice and experience you get, the
better you become.

This isn't limited to the actual act of sex. Movies and
television often portray relationships as fated encounters that defy
explanation, and many people are subdued into believing this. I would
wager that these people, particularly from previous generations, are of the
mindset that a relationship is something out of our control that just
happens, rather than a skill to be honed.

Which is what brought me to your website in the first place. I was
searching for a site that tackled virginity from the virgin's perspective.
Maybe a community of people who are virginal and beyond a reasonable
age, (say twenty). But if such a place exists I haven't found it yet, and if I
did would I even like who I'd found? What I did find was yet more
evidence that I'm in a startlingly small minority, which abruptly ended my
search.

Well, I guess in the end I did have a fair bit to say. I could say more
but I'm not sure this is even what you're looking for so I'll stop
here. It was still interesting for me to get some of this on
paper. Writing has a way of forcing things into a somewhat meaningful
order.

Have fun with your studies,

Billy

*All names changed to protect identity.