The Virginity Project

3 guys, 3 stories, 1 week.....

Way back in the day when all this began, I was itching to get this story for my book. Seeing as it seemed pretty unlikely that I would ever find a woman who had lost her virginity to a prostitute, (I live in hope), I turned to the male of the species instead. There must be a man out there somewhere who had done this deed – and was prepared to talk to me about it.

I searched high and low. I made bizarre phone calls to male friends in the dead of the night. Even if one of them hadn’t actually done it themselves, one of their friends might have. Not that I have an issue with this mind. I must make this clear. Having spent three years interviewing people face to face about the loss of virginity and another two communicating with all sorts of people via this blog - frequently male virgins who are desperate to lose their virginity - I could never begrudge someone the opportunity to avail themselves of virginity in this manner.

You’ll soon see why when you read some of the stories I am going to publish this week. The cloak of virginity is a bloody hard thing to wear in this day and age. Sex is everywhere and you could be fooled into thinking that absolutely everyone is doing it at every available opportunity – except you.

Of course, I know the truth. So many times during the course of my book interviews, I have got the feeling that people have agreed to talk to me, not just because they want to tell me about virginity loss, but also because they want to plump me for information about other people’s sex lives. They want to know that what other people think and feel is in line with their own activities. They need to know that they are normal. This sort of anxiety does not end with the loss of virginity. We all want to know that what we do is just as good as what everyone else does.

To this end, young men everywhere are desperate to find out what the big deal is all about. In the words of one of my correspondents this week, they feel like ‘outcasts’, or even ‘non-members of society’. And as one of this weeks stories will explain, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell someone to chill out, not to worry, that sex isn’t that much of a big deal…..it’s very easy to say that when you have had sex and they haven’t.

Which is all a way of telling you that last week I received not one story from a young man who had lost his virginity to a sex worker, but three. Three in a week. That’s unprecedented. Three stories from three very different people, so I will start with the (very) short one today, the longest one later in the week and the saddest last – because I want the sad guy to read the other two people’s stories and see if it will cheer him up.

Today’s correspondent titled his story ‘My Blonde Ambition’.

Dear Kate,

I am Ben, born on 3 April 1990. I'm originally from Malaysia and now living in Great Britain for over eight years. I am a student with Asperger's syndrome.

Not until the 8 December, I had never had a girlfriend, never kissed a woman, never dated a woman and never been close to having sex.

That's because of my Asperger's Syndrome and having difficulties with my social skills.

Just few weeks before the 8th December, I considered booking an escort to lose my virginity and gain confidence with women before I go to college in September.

I used to pleasure myself by reading adult magazines, watching adult movies and looking at pictures of blonde women.

On that day, I met a 34-year-old blonde woman called Diana. I won't go to the details but my first sexual encounter was great and I feel fulfilled sexually. It was better than my imagination because I touched her intimate parts and she touched me in return and it was great.

Therefore, I advise desperate people like me to follow suit for a memorable sexual experience and I am happy that I am no longer a virgin anymore.

I will see two or four more blonde escorts in the future so I can gain experience and confidence before I get my new girlfriend.

I will never forget Diana for the rest of my life

Yours sincerely,

Ben, 18 years old from Great Britain

Sign me up...

Having spent a lifetime not recognizing quite basic forms of flirtation from the opposite sex (note: for any potential suitors, you may have to make yourselves obvious, when I say obvious, I mean installing green traffic light signals outside my house type obvious), my heart goes out to this week’s story teller. Nineteen year old Christopher is a teenager. He differs in no other way to you or me, except that he is Autistic.

This is a condition that amongst other things, affects the perception of quite basic non verbal communication. The ‘playing hard to get’ routines of the average teenager would be lost on the Autistic youth. The casual signals that you and I (usually) read would be invisible to the Autistic eye. Christopher explains it thus:

‘I have trouble with women. They tend to be very subtle which of course is entirely lost on me along with their non-verbal signals. I have difficulty recognising the significance of expressions and gestures as well as the more implicit language features – intonation and stress, etc.’

And we think we have a hard time!

Christopher has adopted what some may consider a radical solution to this problem. He has taken the bull by the horns, saved up some cash and taken the short cut. Christopher chose to lose his virginity to an escort. I applaud his brave, pragmatic approach. These qualities will serve him well as he prepares to leave home and go to university, a bold step by anyone’s standards. Here is his story…

‘Dear Kate,

I've been considering sending you an e-mail for some time now but have only recently plucked up the courage.

Until the 25th of May, 2007 I had never had a girlfriend, never kissed a woman, never held hands, never touched, and never came close to having sex. On this day I had a two hour appointment with a beautiful twenty-five year-old escort who went by the name of Dannie.

I've always struggled with social interaction, particularly with the opposite sex. This is due to having mild autism and also having suffered extreme levels of bullying throughout most of my life. I am generally considered very handsome and do not have a shortage of women interested in me but I don't have the social skills or the confidence to do anything about it - although I am working on it and feel my virginity-loss experience has helped immensely.

The idea of using an escort for my first time had been in my head for about a year but I had not seriously considered it until my eighteenth birthday on the 4th February 2007. Roughly a week before meeting Dannie, I phoned the agency which she worked for. They were friendly and put me on to the escort I had selected (which I wasn't prepared for and, unfortunately, nearly hyperventilated just speaking to her).

The day came and I took a taxi to the city where she was based. I arrived at her flat and took about ten minutes to bring myself to ring her door bell. When I did, I was greeted by Dannie who was even more stunning in real life than in her photos. Five foot nine tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, very soft features, and large, supple breasts (I hope that doesn't sound crude, if so I apologise).

She greeted me warmly with a kiss on the cheek, (the closest I'd ever got to a woman) and invited me inside. I handed her the envelope of money (£250), she invited me to sit down and offered me a drink of wine which I accepted. She went to the kitchen to pour the drinks, and presumably check the money also.

Dannie returned with the drinks and we talked for about fifteen minutes; just general chit-chat. She asked me to come to the bedroom, but I sheepishly asked for another drink which she obliged. When pouring the drink she asked 'Christopher . . . are you a virgin?' I answered that I was, something which I'd never admitted to anyone before and had always vehemently denied when previously questioned. She talked to me reassuringly as I drank and then led me to the bedroom.

I won't go into details but the rest of the appointment was amazing and intimate though we were basically strangers, we spoke more during and after which was, again, very intimate and personal. I left the appointment having received one last kiss, and wearing a grin which didn't fade for a few months and still returns when I reminisce.

I was extremely relieved to be free of the bonds of adult male virginity. As clichéd as this may sound, I felt like I had removed the weight of the world from my shoulders. I have since become much more confident in communicating with people. I still haven't had a meaningful relationship with a non-paid woman, though I have seen two other escorts since which, though not as special as the first, have served to make me more confident with women.

Although I was only eighteen at the time, and am only nineteen now, I could not and cannot see myself ever having had sex or a relationship without having seen an escort; I needed this. I will be going to University in September and hope to have a fresh start and, hopefully, forge new friendships and pursue a meaningful relationship with a woman. I will never forget Dannie and do not regret my decision to pay for the experience.

Yours sincerely,

Christopher, 19 years old, from England'

Given the prevalence Autism, I had to ask Christopher what advice he might offer to someone else considering this course of action. He answered with the following nuggets….

‘I would say that it's important to keep an open mind and be willing to learn, or more importantly, be willing to be taught. My first time I left my socks on and was jokingly scolded for it, we laughed and I didn't do it again. So, yeah, I'd say don't take things too seriously; be light-hearted in your approach and humility never hurt.

I'd also advise to aim to experience a variety of different women, not just one age group, ethnicity, background, et cetera. I've been with a tall blonde twenty five year-old, a medium height black-haired thirty year-old, and a short brunette thirty eight year-old. All of them brought a new and totally different experience.

Finally, I'd say if you're looking to use a sex worker to gain experience/ lose virginity/ whatever, then be sure to research them. Check previous clients' reviews, the reliability of the agency/girl, and remember that you generally get what you pay for. Also, I'd recommend a minimum booking of two hours, particularly for your first time; it gives you more time to relax and get to know the woman on some level.’

Wise words.

However you feel about Christopher’s choice, it is interesting to note that despite the fact that he lives with a condition that excludes him from the bore of standing on social ceremony, he is still prepared to go to great lengths to rid himself of his virginal status. He goes on to say this:

‘Now that I'm not a virgin I feel much more confident and happy in all aspects of life. As bizarre as this no doubt sounds, the moment I stopped being a virgin was the moment my confidence and general happiness increased ten-fold.’

You can’t argue with that.

Note: all names changed to protect identity.

Teenage kicks....

Being a teenager isn’t easy.

Can you imagine also being one that lacks the physical ability to take oneself out of the house, talk to the opposite sex, and together, scratch the itch that can really only be satisfied with the aid of another human being?

Once again, I find myself returning to the topic of disability and society’s outmoded idea that a lack of co-operative body parts equals a concomitant lack of sexual desire.

I am pretty sure that tonight’s episode of ONE Life on BBC 1 at 10.40pm, will do something to alleviate this problem. This is ‘not to be missed’ TV…

'Last year, 25 year-old Asta Philpot lost his virginity in a Spanish brothel. Now he's planning a return trip, but this time he wants to take a group of disabled virgins along for the ride. Asta was born with a condition called 'Arthrogryposis'. It left him unable to move most of his body, but he can feel everything. Having sex for the first time changed his life and now he wants other disabled people to have the same experience.

Asta is joined by two men who were keen to climb on board his 'Love Bus'. Lee is 35 - blind since birth, he is still a virgin. Shah, 22, had a devastating motorbike accident when he was 16 leaving him partially paralysed from the waist down. Asta's parents and full-time carers are also on board to help out at the brothel. Asta can't wait to have his second sexual experience and is confident Lee and Shah will have life-changing encounters. But will they be able to go through with it? ONE life follows the three men on their journey of sexual discovery.'

Dis-ability?

I get asked the following question a lot:

‘What’s your favourite story of all time?’

I always reply with the same answer:

‘My favourite story of all time is the one about the guy with no arms who got to lose his virginity to the sexiest bitch, (his words), in the whole school'.

And why, you ask, why do you love this story so?

I love it because it challenges what I think I know about people. It challenges the subconscious assumptions that we make about people the very first time that we meet them.

’I bet his first time was difficult’. That’s what was going through my mind, consciously or not, the first time that I met Charlie. I based my shortsighted assumption on the fact that Charlie has very little in the way of arms.

Born in the early 1960’s, he was the unlucky recipient, via his mother, of a drug called Thalidomide. Thalidomide had various uses, but it’s most tragic was as a treatment for expectant mothers with morning sickness. With no trials performed on pregnant animals, the results, for over 10, 000 children and parents were devastating. Thalidomide caused serious birth defects, mainly in the shape of abnormally short limbs.

Short limbs were no barrier for Charlie Thomas. Ok, he couldn’t do any press ups, but what he lacked in physical prowess, he more than made up for in other departments. Handsome and charismatic, Charlie was inducted into the language of love by the school hottie, Stella. Stella had 'huge bosom’s, reeked of ‘teenage’, and sashayed down the corridor in a way that stopped everybody in their tracks’. She also rid Charlie of his virginity and when she had finished, she asked him this:

‘Do you mind having sex with my best friend? She’s going to college in a couple of weeks and she doesn’t want to be a virgin when she gets there.’

Errrrr, let me think about that for a moment. Let me just mull that one over. Let me just wonder to myself, shall I, having already had sex with the sexiest bitch in the school, also have sex with her best friend, the girl that I actually fancied more in the first place anyway?

I don’t think I need to tell you how that story ends but I do need to say the following:

‘I bet his first time was difficult’, is a mild judgement in comparison to some.

Yesterday’s Observer ran a fascinating story about Treloar’s College in Hampshire. Treloar’s is a college for physically disabled teenagers over the age of 16, and today they go public with a ground breaking ‘sexuality policy’ – one whose roots lay in a very sad conversation. At 17, and confined to a wheelchair with Cerebral Palsy, a female student asked a teacher, ‘Do you think it is alright for me, as a very disabled person, to fancy someone’? She went on, ‘will society think it’s disgusting?’

The answer to that is possibly yes. Some people will think that.

I listened to Alison Lapper talk on Radio 4 recently, as part of the ‘Sex lives of us’ season on Radio 4. A poll was run to find the most significant landmark work of art on the subject of sexuality in the last fifty years. High on the list – other entries included ‘Don’t Look Now’ and Channel 4’s ‘Queer as folk’ - was Marc Quinn’s sculpture of naked, pregnant and limbless artist Alison Lapper. ‘People don’t want to believe that disabled people even have sexual feelings, let alone actually have sex’, said Lapper. ‘It is still one of the greatest taboos in today’s society’.

‘The Goldfish’ sums up Radio 4’s list of entrants thus:

‘The shortlist is inevitably going to be controversial, but it is both pleasing and interesting to see the statue on the list. It's not that it is an erotic work, but the mere image of a naked pregnant disabled woman challenges so many preconceptions about disability and sexuality; the idea that we can't have sex and have babies, the idea that our imperfect bodies should be hidden in case we frighten the pigeons. It is great to have these messages considered significant alongside other works which explored sexuality and our attitudes towards it’.

The Goldfish will probably be pleased to hear that Treloar College plans to implement a policy that will ‘fundamentally change the ethos of the college’. Somewhere along the line, I think this policy will change a lot more than that. ‘Students’, the document states, ‘not only have the right to pursue sexual relationships, but they will be assisted physically and emotionally by specially trained staff’.

We’re all searching for the perfect relationship. Some of us have checklists; clipboards full even, of criteria to be fulfilled by a potential amour. Are you tall enough, fit enough, polite enough, smart enough? How much baggage are you bringing to the table? A suitcase? Five? An airport runway’s worth? Do you drink? Smoke? Snore? Leave your dirty socks outside the front door? It’s hard work in this day and age to find the right person to have sex with.

Imagine that, having filled all the above criteria; you then have to surmount the following problem - you are so physically disabled that to even hold hands, cuddle or kiss is impossible without assistance from a third party.

‘Before, if any student was caught in a sexually compromising position, they would be expelled’, said Jan Symes in The Observer, but physical relationships, argues Symes, are a basic human right for every individual, able-bodied or not. At least now at Treloar’s there is someone to talk to if a student wants to say, ‘I know I am going to die in a couple of years and I would like a relationship before that’, ‘I fancy someone of the same sex’, or, ‘I have erections because I am a 17 year old boy but I have no hand control’.

Amen to that.

In trying to round the strings of this story up, I hear only the words of 19-year-old Stuart Wickison in my head. Stuart suffers from Duchenne muscular dystrophy.

‘We all have this desire to lose our virginity. We feel we need to experience this ultimate pleasure to balance out the pain we have – not just physical pain; it’s psychological as well. It is as if we feel the only way to make worth of ourselves is to have sex. It sounds so crude, but I feel that to experience that is to live life to the full, to know the whole of life. We don’t have much time left. We have to live our 77 years in 20’.

Kind of puts things into perspective doesn’t it?