The Virginity Project

Looking for my first ‘difficult’ story was, well, difficult. 

It seemed like a weird thing to do for starters….to actively seek people who had had traumatic virginity loss experiences….but I was always sure about one thing – I had to present a 360 degree view of this moment. We are many different people with many different stories to tell. I couldn’t exclude anything.

When I did find that first story, it happened by accident. I had just finished interviewing a lady for my book when her partner started asking me questions.

‘What sort of stories are you putting in your book’ he asked.

‘All sorts’ I answered, ‘I want to make sure I paint an accurate picture of this experience.’

‘Do you have any difficult stories yet?’ He asked

Strange as it seems, I didn’t see his next question coming.

‘I’ll tell you my story if you like…but it isn’t very nice.’

It seems even stranger to say that I leapt at the chance. Partly because I wanted the story for my book but partly because I instinctively knew that he needed to tell it.

We all need to talk. I cannot think that there is an exception to this rule. Even if we only tell that story once, the action of speaking out loud somehow seems to lessen the effect that the story has over our head. Talking takes away its power.

I don’t know how this happens, but it does. In a formalized situation this is probably called therapy. In my situation, it was one person sitting and listening to another human being talk. He sweated, he paused, he stopped and he carried on. It wasn’t easy but it had to be done.

It’s the same with the blog. People need to be heard, sometimes because they have never been heard before and often because they want other people to learn from their experiences. So in the spirit of talking, and listening and learning, here is Jane’s story. Its not easy, but it needs to be told.

Jane. Born 1979. Lost virginity aged 20. Lives: USA

'I lost my virginity aged twenty to my boyfriend at the time. I was raised by parents who, though not particularly religious, were rabidly opposed to premarital sex. I wasn't really sure what I myself believed. When I mentioned to my boyfriend that I wanted to wait until marriage, he wanted to know if I really thought we could be together for eight to ten years without making love, and how strange that would be. He wouldn't stop pressing and I was curious, so after a couple of months I agreed to do it with him. However, I was so ashamed of my decision that I was afraid to tell any of my mentors-in-life about it or ask them any questions in advance.

I was a little nervous about the pain, but he assured me he'd be gentle. We went and got our STD testing done and bought some condoms and lube. I got on the pill (BIG mistake - it gave me SEVERE depression and badly interfered with my ability to think clearly and make good decisions. I didn't discover this until nearly a year later!). At around noon on the appointed day, we went over to my house.

We kissed for maybe two minutes. I had moved the condoms and lube out of the way because I thought we were supposed to make out for a long time first. He moved them back, put on the condom and put the lube on me. I didn't say anything because I figured he was the one with experience. Then he got on top of me….

PAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAINPAIN

I started screaming. He did it again - tried to go all the way in as hard as he could. I was sort of looking over his shoulder at the sunshine in the window and then I blacked out from the pain and I couldn't see or hear anything for a few moments.

When I came to, he gave a happy laugh. ‘Wow, you really ARE a virgin!’ he said before doing it AGAIN. The pain was absolutely blinding and he started to express frustration at not being able to get it all the way in.

We tried a couple of other positions before he was able to get the thrusting going, though it would be another couple of days before my hymen actually broke. I looked up at a picture on the wall and focused on not blacking out again. After a while, he laughed again, pulled out, showed me the filled condom, said, ‘Look what you did!’ and went in the bathroom to wash up.

‘I feel like a failure,’ I said when he came back to bed.

‘Aw’, he said, ‘you're the best!’

Subsequent ‘lovemaking’ sessions were not quite as painful as the first, but almost, and by the time my hymen finally broke, I was pretty much terrified of the sexual act. My body would tense up with fear, which of course would make it more painful, which would make me more afraid, which would make it more painful, etc. Not ALWAYS, but most of the time.

If I said ‘no’ he would either do it to me anyway or he would stop for the moment but sulk, complain, or call me names until I gave in, even if it took weeks. All this time, I was still afraid to tell anyone what was going on, and I thought I had to stay with him. I thought no one would love me - either romantically or as a friend - since I wasn't a virgin any more.

I stayed with him a total of six months, until he sucked me dry of emotional energy, and then I finally got out of there. I was numb for two months before having BIG TIME flashbacks that I now know were symptoms of PTSD. At that point my only alternative was putting my head through a wall, so I told one of my mentors. He was extremely caring and supportive, so I told the other two. I got off the pill, went to counseling, fought the PTSD for about a year and a half before meeting my husband, who is the love of my life. We have now been together for more than 7 years. About a year ago, the PTSD came back, so I have had to go back into counseling and go back to relying on my support system. Fortunately, I still have all the same mentors and friends, and they're still very supportive. I hope to make a full recovery.

Morals of the story:

1. Don't go on hormonal birth control unless you have a close friend closely monitoring you for signs of depression (you can't do this yourself; you can't tell if your head is being fucked with when your head is being fucked with).

2. Abstinence-only sex education is TERRIBLY harmful and damaging. I would have been FAR less likely to do it, and I certainly would have ended the abusive relationship sooner, if I hadn't been afraid that anyone I told would think I was a horrible person for having sex outside of marriage.

3. ‘Sexual abuse’ and ‘rape’ don't have to involve weapons or even fists in order to destroy people. My boyfriend used words only nine times out of ten and never hit me or threatened to hit me. I still struggle with self-loathing that I ‘could’ have stopped him and didn't. But I have to accept that I didn't have a superhuman psyche. PLEASE, if something like this is happening to you, TELL SOMEONE (you probably know, deep down, whom to tell) and GET OUT. 

Another point I wish to make:

I had had a very pleasurable non-intercourse sexual experience only a few months prior to getting together with my boyfriend. And, my first sexual experience with my husband (and no, we didn't wait until marriage!) was so pleasurable I can't even begin to describe it. I didn't even know my body was capable of responding that way! I had a handful of neutral sexual experiences, too, both before and after the abusive relationship. This site has helped me to realize that the good and neutral experiences are just as important, and deserving of recognition, as the bad ones.' 

 

 

 

3 guys, 3 stories, 1 week.....Part two...

A couple of days ago, I promised to tell you a slightly longer story about a young man losing his virginity to a prostitute. If there were such a thing as a master class in how to lose your virginity to a sex worker, I have a sneaky suspicion that it might sound something like this:

Cody. Born in 1987. Lost virginity a couple of weeks ago.

‘Alright, here goes-

I'm twenty-one years old, from the USA and I recently lost my virginity to a Canadian prostitute. I'm sending you this because I hope it helps other people who were in situations like mine, and because writing it will help me collect my thoughts.

I originally got the idea from a close friend of mine. He saw my frustration as I went through all kinds of changes in life - not the least of which was choosing a different religious life than the one my family had. I grew up in 'a certain church' that is very strict and extremely sexually repressive. While it teaches some great things, sex outside of marriage is called ‘the sin next to murder’ and anything even remotely sexual is 'evil'.

I was also coming out of an 'awkward teenager' phase - I had been too religious to even swear. I was horribly overweight. My confidence was low, my social skills damaged by the religiosity, as well as by the many times my family had moved and by the isolation and 'sheltered' childhood I had had.

By the time I was a freshman in university, I was only ambivalent about having a sex life. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to lose my virginity until about the end of freshman year. Once I was sure that I wanted to lose it, it became a race against time. I was the only person in the whole world who had never had sex. I was missing out. This made me anxious, which of course made it impossible to lose it. I was trying to run before I could even walk, I was so far behind - I was worried about losing the v-card before I had ever even kissed a girl (first time: age twenty).

I tried to console myself by remembering that a lot of it wasn't 'my fault', but that didn't help much. Sometimes I was so down on myself - here were the greatest years of my life, slipping away before my eyes. I would die having wasted so much irreplaceable time. I was frantic. I sometimes even felt so frustrated and bitter that I questioned whether life was even worth continuing without something as basic as sex.

But I was also losing weight quickly, finally getting my act together socially, and making all sorts of small changes all the time. I was making progress, but it still couldn't come fast enough. I had a handful of 'close calls' but at the last minute someone would interfere and ruin it for me; also I was so afraid of screwing up such a rare opportunity that I of course screwed it up. Trying to lose my virginity was getting in the way of trying to lose my virginity.

‘Dude, just get a hooker’ a friend of mine called Tyler suggested.

‘What the hell are you talking about!? Some disease-ridden whore who I'd have to pay money for? What kind of loser do you take me for?’

Tyler was about to completely change my perception on prostitution.

‘Now hey - everyone has to pay for it. Think about it. You can spend hundreds of dollars on gifts and dinners on a girl, with no guarantee that you're gonna get laid, or you can spend a set amount of money with a guarantee. And hookers have to stay clean, otherwise they'd be out of a job.’

‘But it's... I dunno, there's no honor in that.’

‘You think it's 'honorable' to hook up with a drunk girl at a party? She's more likely to have an STD than a professional is, and if you mess up, what if she goes and tells all her friends how awkward it was? What if you knock her up? Paying for sex isn't degrading - if anything it's degrading to the person being paid. It's liberating to get rid of all the bullshit and stupid games people play and just have sex. It's just 'animal sex', not lovemaking, but at least with a hooker it's honest and straightforward unlike a lot of the 'dating' we see around here.’

The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. Losing it to a hooker wasn't ideal - I would have liked to have found a girlfriend - but I also realized I couldn't do it at the time. Prostitution was, when I was completely honest with myself, better than the usual drunken hookup that I observed at my university. So it was either pay for alcohol and hope to get laid, or pay a sex worker and be done with it.

I found out that some of history's greatest womanizers and powerful men - Kennedy, Gabrielle D'Annunzio, Napoleon Bonaparte (and in the original novels, even James Bond) - as well as several others had lost their virginity to prostitutes. I also found out that in some societies it has been (and in a few still is) customary for young men to lose it this way.

One thing led to another and before I knew it, I had bought a plane ticket and two nights in a nice hotel in Canada.

I had set up an appointment before leaving with an independent escort, but as I waited for her to arrive (nervously), she was late. After an hour had passed, I went and checked my email - she had had a family emergency and was unable to come that day, and wouldn't be working again until after I left. Damn.

I was nervous, terrified even. I went and took a long walk. I even thought about calling it off. But no, I would never be able to look Tyler in the face again if I backed out now. I had told my friends (the few who knew I was still a virgin) that I was going to lose it, I had told myself that it would be before the year's end (and I lost it with less than a month to go - but it's a New Year's resolution I'm glad I kept!), and I had put too much time and money into it.

I thought about what to do. After a few hours, I went to the phone book and looked up the name of an agency I had heard of before leaving. I called them up and explained my 'first-timer status' in the ambiguous terms Canadian law requires. ‘That's fine Sweety, I've got a few girls I think would be perfect’. After some discussion, a time was set and I took a shower. My virginity was about to be done away with forever. I was nervous, but the understanding tone of the woman on the phone made me feel better. ‘That's why a lot of these girls do what they do’ she said.

I got a call a while later telling me to go down to the lobby. She was blonde, wearing a black dress and carrying a bag. I went down and found her. She looked like a businesswoman almost, very classy. A little older than me, as I had requested. She was not trashy or wearing too much makeup, not drawing attention to herself, just a normal, pretty girl who happened to make a living by having sex.

We went up to my room and we started by having a drink together (her suggestion). ‘You'd be surprised at some of the people I see - I view myself almost like a therapist’ she explained. She and I talked and she put me at ease; she listened to me and catered to me perfectly.

I was in just my pajama pants at this point, stomach-down on my bed, and she straddled me and got some lotion on my back. After a few minutes, she got up and stood in front of me and said ‘Every woman is a little insecure about her appearance, even me. I still feel a little weird sometimes with men watching me strip’. And so she did.

All the reader needs to know is that she managed to make it (relatively) smooth and natural. She may not even have been enjoying herself, but if not, she did a damn good job pretending. She was all about making the client happy.

I got a sampler of all kinds of different things. She told me what to do, guided the whole thing. I was able to joke around with this girl and she made it feel like the natural, enjoyable thing it should be. I went into it extremely nervous but felt much better after a few minutes with her - and by the end I felt great.

When she left I had a big smile on my face, but I was surprised by how unglamorous and non-dramatic it was. Sex became something good, but not a life-and-death issue as it had been before. It became just another part of life, thrilling but not the most thrilling thing in the world. The mystery behind it was gone - sliding my fingers into a woman, feeling her different fleshy areas, having her ride me, touching and seeing every part of her body didn't feel so strange or mysterious. Still highly enjoyable, but I noticed that it was purely physical - as it should have been and as I had expected. The feelings I had had in the past, spending time with girls I felt affection for as people or a strong desire for, had been more intense in some ways, more intoxicating.

I realized how, even though people glorify and idolize sex, it is an overrated good thing. Most good things are overrated I guess - sex is no exception. The people who brag about it or take the bragging tone when they talk about it are usually compensating for something (not that I am entirely innocent in this department; I've had my immature moments).

I actually had some bad experiences - two independent escorts that I had lined up didn't work out (the one had had a family emergency, the other just didn't pick up her phone when I called to confirm), and the second one I hired wasn't very good. She wore too much makeup, and you could tell her heart wasn't in it. She was very 'pay me, fuck me and I'm on my way' without any regard to doing it right. There is an art to sex; a girl who leaves her chewing gum in the condom wrapper on your desk is not a very good artist.

But even this taught me something - after getting over the awkwardness, I was glad I didn't have to see her ever again, I could distinguish a little better between good and bad sex, and I knew that it was okay to be a little more choosy about who I sleep with in the future. If that girl had been someone I knew personally, it would have been far worse. I was glad I had gotten my first 'bad sex' out of the way with a woman I didn't need to worry about. It's perfectly okay to turn down or pass up a hot girl who's a pain in the ass as far as personality goes - looks aren't everything. This second one had some better physical features but a horrible personality; it turned out that feeling and technique is a more important part of sex than I thought.

I still get annoyed when I see an immature and maybe slightly effeminate guy, fresh out of high school, with a stunning girl. But the bitterness is mostly gone; in the back of my mind I know she may well be no better than jacking off. She may be worse. She may be great, but who knows and who cares? Sex is not such a big deal after all - but of course you can't know that until after you've had it.

Before I did this, people told me sex wasn't a big deal. But until I experienced it for myself, it was annoying - sometimes infuriating - to have people try to preach to me.

‘Dude, sex is no big deal, just relax. It'll come one day.’ It was irritating to have people talk and not listen, to ignore my needs, to pretend to understand when they had no idea what I was going through.

They tried to persuade me with reason and arguments, but - as a few exceptional friends like Tyler knew and understood - only when I experienced it for myself could I know this.

It's important to have a couple of friends you can trust with this; it's important to honestly not feel ashamed about it; and be ready for some awkward moments - but remember, they're only really awkward if you can't laugh about them. Have a good sense of humor about it, and enjoy the feeling of having your first 'sex stories' for those times when the guys get together.

I'm glad I lost it on my own terms at a time and place of my choosing instead of leaving it to chance. No awkward conversations or 'I have to see this person every day in class', no major risk of being backstabbed, no risk of being cheated on, minimal emotional vulnerability. In retrospect, I'm confident it was the right decision.’

 

 

Be VERY prepared....

Firstly, I would like to draw your attention back to Adrian’s blog. Not just because I love it, but also because I am itching to do something similar with The Virginity Project. Can you imagine a better way to get to the heart of a country than by travelling its length and breadth and asking its inhabitants to tell you about an experience that transcends age, era and cultural background? It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, the one thing that I can guarantee is that every single person you ever encounter has an interesting story to tell you about virginity loss. Even the ones who say ‘Oh my story’s not that interesting’. In fact, especially the ones who tell you their story isn't that interesting. They are usually the ones with the tales that'll make you blush.

Needless to say, The Virginity Project lies in bed every night, clutching a map of America to its breast and dreaming of fulfilling its deepest desire to interview the great and the good, (and possibly even the bad) of America. I have one taker already. The fabulous Susie Bright has invited me to step off the train at San Jose and interview her about her own experience, so who knows, my dream may yet come true.

Speaking of culture - and Adrian - who is cycling across America and playing Scrabble with the people that he meets, I keep meaning to write and tell him about the gaff he keeps making. He refers to his Scrabble playing meetings as ‘hooking up’. Adrian, hooking up doesn’t mean quite the same thing in America and unless you want to add a much more interesting (and, in my opinion, challenging) element to the games of Scrabble that you are playing, you might want to rethink your terminology.

Secondly, I heart this story. At times, being British can feel like a fag (there's another word that’s always worth misunderstanding). Until you read stuff like this that is. It’s a story about boy scouts being taught sex education as part of the scouting curricular. I love the fact that certain factions of the ‘establishment’ are open minded enough to say what they really think and get with the program. Because the fact is that boys of this age are thinking about having sex. They might not actually be doing it but you can bet your bottom dollar that they are at least planning to try at the earliest opportunity. The least we can do is to help them ‘be prepared’. Sorry, crappy joke that had to be made. 

Predictably, The Telegraph chose to quote the director of the Christian Voice campaign group in response to this story.

"They should be encouraging young people in their care to have respect for girls and live a life of chastity and fidelity," said Stephen Green, national director of the Christian Voice campaign group.

Once again, I am staggered at how much people feel the need to disable young people by not telling them the facts about sex. And just to give you an idea of what a boy scout is capable of if he really puts his mind to it, I posted the following conversation on this very blog last year:

'It went something like this….

Creative guy: Are you here next week?

Me: No.

Creative guy: What are you doing?

Me: My own work.

Creative guy: What’s that then?

I explain what I do with the rest of my life.

Him: Uh, really? God, you should hear the story about how my kid brother got rid of his virginity…

Me: Oh yes, how’s that then?

Creative guy:  He went on a scout trip to Holland and lost his virginity to a prostitute.

Me: Excuse me?

Creative guy: Yes, he was thirteen and he lost his virginity to a prostitute on a scout camp trip……..’

I rest my case. The fact of the matter is that young people will have sex whether we tell them to or not so we may as well arm them with as much information – and contraception  – as possible. Like we ever listened to a word our parents ever said when they told us not to do stuff? And like it’s really any different now? I don’t think so.

That’s one more time for the cheap seats then: be prepared folks.

There stands a motto actually worth listening to.

In-to-me-see

This story touches a tender spot in my heart and I’ll tell you why. Aaron makes the same mistake that many of us do - I include myself in this group - of confusing two quite critical components in our lives: intimacy and sex. We think that they are one and the same. Newsflash for the younger generation and any older ones lagging behind: they are most decidedly not.

I used to think that intimacy meant having sex, albeit quite a long time ago. Which was probably why I often considered my first time a load of rubbish (I know, me and the rest of the universe). But with time and the ability to articulate myself, I can see what the problem was. It lacked intimacy. Handsome he may have been, French and sexy, he certainly was, but I hardly knew him and I was too proud to tell him that I was still a virgin. Unsurprisingly, this did not make for an ‘intimate’ (or even fun) experience.

True intimacy requires us to step out of our comfort zones and be honest about what, and who we are, which in Aaron’s case, is totally petrified. No, seriously, I am not suggesting that you tell your partner that you crap yourself every time they get within ten yards of you, choose your words a little more carefully than that, but honesty is very endearing. If you can find it in yourself to step out of the comfort zone and come clean so to speak, you might find yourself surprised by the results.

From a random straw poll conducted amongst girlfriends, ‘relieved’ was the most common answer I got when I asked them how they would have felt, had one of the teenage horn-bags they had encountered back in the day ever admitted that they were actually quite scared about what was going to happen next. Being honest breaks the ice and it ultimately brings us closer together. If Aaron can find it in himself to be honest, I think he might find the real deal: bona fide intimacy.

Aaron. Age 18.

‘I’m sure you must get a billion stories like this, but I need to write this for myself just as much as I want to send it to you. Hopefully, we will both learn a little :]

My name is Aaron, an 18-year old virgin fresh into college in Texas. It took me until right now to figure out that I really look forward to sex, but at the same time, I am terrified by it. Of course I’m a college male and I automatically have urges, but I’m so scared of being vulnerable before someone.

I was raised in a Christian community (reading your site, there seems to be a lot who find problems from this) and have always promised abstinence till marriage. More than anything though, I look forward to the emotional side of sex: I want to feel fundamentally connected to someone in a beautiful way. I want to love, and learn to love, and I don’t know if sex is a part of that process, a reward for achieving it, or some only slightly related event. 

About a month ago, an ex-girlfriend and I agreed to a ‘friends-with-benefits’ relationship which was horrible! Some part of me really disagreed with the whole idea of it but I was kinda pissed off at life so I took what good feeling I could get. We ended up slyly messing around in my bed while my roommate was on his computer, oblivious. A few minutes into it, I was lying next to her and she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed me. It was the first time anyone has ever really touched me there, and for a minute I was almost breaking down inside.

I felt empty. I was simply lying face down beside her, her hand casually slipped down the front of my jeans, and I couldn’t move. It was as if she had ripped off the protective layers of my soul and I was bare before her. I felt humiliated to myself, and the feeling of pure vulnerability began to drown me. I hated it, oh god, I hated it, and for a while I hated her. I hated being exposed and open to the world and to myself, and at that moment I felt purely pathetic and I couldn’t move a muscle, I just lay there and shook a little to myself with her hand firmly attached. The next day I informed her that I just couldn’t handle being around her for a little while, and we didn’t talk or hang out for two weeks or so.

So now I know I have a problem of sorts, I truly want to love and be loved, whether sex is a part of that or not, but I am now even more terrified of being vulnerable before someone, especially after somewhat experiencing it.

Now, weeks after my little incident with said ex-girlfriend, I am starting to date a beautiful young lady here at school and we have already begun to get a little physical with each other. But really, if it ever came to deciding whether or not to have sex, or even just to let her touch me intimately, I might be too frightened to consider. I know though, that after our making out sessions are drawing to an end and we just lay in each other’s arms, I really want to get closer to her and sex may be something we eventually consider. I know that only I will know when I’m ready for sex, but is there a way to combat the feelings I experienced in my little episode mentioned earlier? I want to learn to love, but I don’t know if sex is necessarily a part of that. It seems I’m just a college boy full of questions. Who would’ve thought?  Lol.’

* All names changed to protect identity.

Power to the people...

On Tuesday, we heard about Darcy's dilemma. Today, the people talk back!

First up is Ted, the sixty-year-old owner of a story that I posted on October 21st last year. I don't mind admitting that there are times when I think Ted lives between the fictional pages of a Mills and Boon novel, such is his attachment to an old fashioned approach to 'married love'. But despite this affliction, Mr T can always be relied upon for a well thought out and brilliantly written response. What I particularly like about his reply today is his rather brilliant shopping analogy. Turns out, sex and shopping are related after all….

'Darcy, I am something of an authority on virginity and the associated Christian guilt-complex in that I was a virgin for a VERY long time. But the more I think about the topic of virginity, the less qualified I feel to speak!  There is so much I realize that I do not know. Nonetheless, here are a few reflections, and a plea, following your piece.

Plea first:  do not think yourself into a 'no win' situation in your understandable concerns about the end of your virgin state.  Rather, try to think yourself into a 'no lose' frame of mind.  I don't mean, ' no lose virginity'. I see this as your 'property' to control as YOU wish and change, when you, and only you, want to.  Think of it like this:

Imagine that someone gave you the gift of a sum of money, and you went out looking around stores and saw lots of quite tempting things on display for sale...yet, tempting as these items may have been, there was nothing that seemed 'just right', nothing that you would have been completely happy at parting with your money in order that you might own it.  On returning home, you might have a pang of sadness that you did not have a tangible object in your arms, and feel 'left out' when you saw your friends proudly clutching things, but you would still, I should think, feel a secret glow of knowledge that you had retained your full 'purchasing power' for possible use at a future date when a range of even more attractive produce might be on offer. 

It might also be worth remembering the comment of the pianist Liberace, who, when asked if the taunts of critics upset him, replied:  'I cry all the way to the bank!'

Well said, Ted.

Next up is my blogging friend DJ Kirkby. DJ does more than just blog. She is a midwife and as such, the owner of some practical advice for the aspiring non-virgin. I know I said this wasn't about me but I have pulled her last point up front and made it the first point. I think it’s the most important one:

 'My thoughts after reading Darcy's letter:

 8) Life is written in pencil, nothing so wrong that it cannot be remedied in at least a small measure and nothing so gloriously perfect that it cannot be improved upon.

1) She is an amazing person, very brave and strong even if she may not believe this about herself.

 2) She is not ready to have sex/make love yet. We all mature sexually at different times and all have to meet the right guy to turn our 'sexy' switch on, even if it is just someone we do not know on an intimate level.  It could be someone we see regularly like a teacher or a friend. It does not have to be the guy that she actually has sex with the first time, but she should wait until she feels that all-important urge of a sexual nature.  

3) For some people this never happens at all and they choose to embrace a life of celibacy, there are many websites with forums for like-minded people on this topic.

 4) She may bleed a bit, but if both her and they guy are expecting it, it shouldn't be an issue. Have some baby wipes close by.

 5) Do not be ashamed to use lubricant for your first or even subsequent times, the wetter the better and more comfortable making love will be.

 6) The position that Darcy should use the first time or anytime she makes love with someone is whatever position they end up in, these things are better if not planned out to the nth degree.

 7) If she has sex with a man she later finds out has betrayed her or was not the one she considered to be the 'one', she will recover from this, even though she does not believe she can'.

Short and to the point. Thank you DJ. Last up is Sophie.  I interviewed her for my book last year. At twenty-three years old, she may be the baby of our panel, but that doesn’t make her any less qualified to have an opinion. Here we go: 

‘Hi Darcy

Well, I think the first thing that comes to mind is that everything you've said is extremely normal. I've had the same background as you - no abuse, no bullying - but that doesn't mean that you or I aren't allowed to be scared!

My current boyfriend comes from a Catholic background, so I completely relate to the pressure that puts on you. We're open in all parts of our relationship but it’s taken a long time of talking and patience to deal with some of his 'religion-related' issues.

It's a difficult toss up (excuse the pun) as we're born into a modern society and our lives reflect this - yet we are still entrenched in a very traditional way of thinking. There's nothing wrong with that, but it’s something to keep in mind. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to live by these sets of rules; getting the right balance isn’t easy.

As for the deed itself, four months is a good amount of time to be with someone - but its still not that long. If you think that doing something will create feelings of regret - chances are your instincts are right and it just not worth pushing yourself.

Unfortunately, I can't say whether your boyfriend is or isn't serious about you, but a four month relationship says to me that it’s not purely sexually driven. Ask yourself if he's pressuring you to do it and that will give you a better answer than I can.

I can tell you though that my first time was a very good experience, I had been with my boyfriend for about the same time as you. We hadn't discussed it or planned it - it just happened. I didn't bleed (probably because I'd been very sporty in my early teens), and it didn't hurt. I think that negative experiences are usually more memorable, and are often over-exaggerated.

I think that taking advice from friends is a fantastic thing, but remember that they too are in the same position as you. I'd really hate to be thought of as condescending, but I certainly didn't know enough about sex at seventeen to be giving sound advice. Also, being on top doesn't make a whole lot of difference from a pain perspective, but as you grow to enjoy sex, it makes it more pleasurable.

 It's a bit of a cliché - but when things are right for you, you'll know it and you wont feel so uncertain. I'd suggest waiting a little longer until things become clearer.’

Darcy, I hope my contributors have helped you to make a tricky decision  a little easier and on that note, 'The Virginity Project' is planning a little ‘self help’ of another kind. I am off for some serious R&R on the sunny isle of Mallorca. See you in a week or two, adios amigos!

Its not all about me...

Today I shall turn the reigns of power over to you, the readers of and contributors to ‘The Virginity Project. In short, I got bored of the sound of my own voice so I decided to let someone else do the talking. Power to the people and all that. I'm not the only one with an opinion. To this end, I sent the following story to some of the people I am lucky enough to correspond with. It'll be interesting to see how they reply to Darcy's dilemma.

Story today. My panelists and their replies tomorrow:

'Dear Kate

My name is Darcy and I was born in 1991. Virginity Loss: TBC.

I recently found The Virginity Project and it's actually boosted my confidence considerably. I'm still a virgin and feel a bit of a freak if I’m honest. I've never been bullied or sexually abused or anything like that so I don't see why I have the feelings I do about sex.

I think, deep down, it may have something to do with my religion. I was raised as a relatively strict catholic, so I feel very guilty when I even think about sex. I have never even...er...’self-helped’...and if my boyfriend does anything like that for me then I don't particularly feel any kind of sensation - mental or physical, apart from ‘oh...this is happening’.

The actual idea of sex doesn't scare me. I think I probably would have sex with my boyfriend (of four months) if he asked me, because it may make him happy and I wouldn't feel like I've missed out on a teenage milestone. I just don't know how I'd deal with the guilty feelings, and if everything went wrong, the feelings of regret.

I think the way I end up loosing my virginity will matter immensely for all my future relationships and my future thoughts on men because I've only ever had two boyfriends before. I've also been researching around the topic to try and get some answers to my problems and what I decipher thus far is this: women are told they will get nothing from their first time apart from pain or possibly pregnancy. They are told they will bleed and that the boy will probably freak out if he's bled on and then they will be labeled a 'slut’, so nothing really fills me with confidence.

I had a conversation recently too with a friend of mine, and she said that for a first time it is advisable ‘for the girl to be on top because then she can control what happens. Missionary is just plain painful’ but I don't think I'd have the confidence to go ‘on top’, so I'd just have to deal with whatever pain comes my way (And I don't really fancy bleeding on anyone!)

If you haven't got bored of me ranting about my status, then thank you for reading this far. It's nice to be able to write all my 'V-thoughts' and rants down and tell someone how I'm feeling about it because I really don't know what to do. And if I talk to anyone properly about it then they could just say I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It's nice to know you're not alone with these things.

 Thanks again,

Darcy x'

Sign me up...

Having spent a lifetime not recognizing quite basic forms of flirtation from the opposite sex (note: for any potential suitors, you may have to make yourselves obvious, when I say obvious, I mean installing green traffic light signals outside my house type obvious), my heart goes out to this week’s story teller. Nineteen year old Christopher is a teenager. He differs in no other way to you or me, except that he is Autistic.

This is a condition that amongst other things, affects the perception of quite basic non verbal communication. The ‘playing hard to get’ routines of the average teenager would be lost on the Autistic youth. The casual signals that you and I (usually) read would be invisible to the Autistic eye. Christopher explains it thus:

‘I have trouble with women. They tend to be very subtle which of course is entirely lost on me along with their non-verbal signals. I have difficulty recognising the significance of expressions and gestures as well as the more implicit language features – intonation and stress, etc.’

And we think we have a hard time!

Christopher has adopted what some may consider a radical solution to this problem. He has taken the bull by the horns, saved up some cash and taken the short cut. Christopher chose to lose his virginity to an escort. I applaud his brave, pragmatic approach. These qualities will serve him well as he prepares to leave home and go to university, a bold step by anyone’s standards. Here is his story…

‘Dear Kate,

I've been considering sending you an e-mail for some time now but have only recently plucked up the courage.

Until the 25th of May, 2007 I had never had a girlfriend, never kissed a woman, never held hands, never touched, and never came close to having sex. On this day I had a two hour appointment with a beautiful twenty-five year-old escort who went by the name of Dannie.

I've always struggled with social interaction, particularly with the opposite sex. This is due to having mild autism and also having suffered extreme levels of bullying throughout most of my life. I am generally considered very handsome and do not have a shortage of women interested in me but I don't have the social skills or the confidence to do anything about it - although I am working on it and feel my virginity-loss experience has helped immensely.

The idea of using an escort for my first time had been in my head for about a year but I had not seriously considered it until my eighteenth birthday on the 4th February 2007. Roughly a week before meeting Dannie, I phoned the agency which she worked for. They were friendly and put me on to the escort I had selected (which I wasn't prepared for and, unfortunately, nearly hyperventilated just speaking to her).

The day came and I took a taxi to the city where she was based. I arrived at her flat and took about ten minutes to bring myself to ring her door bell. When I did, I was greeted by Dannie who was even more stunning in real life than in her photos. Five foot nine tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, very soft features, and large, supple breasts (I hope that doesn't sound crude, if so I apologise).

She greeted me warmly with a kiss on the cheek, (the closest I'd ever got to a woman) and invited me inside. I handed her the envelope of money (£250), she invited me to sit down and offered me a drink of wine which I accepted. She went to the kitchen to pour the drinks, and presumably check the money also.

Dannie returned with the drinks and we talked for about fifteen minutes; just general chit-chat. She asked me to come to the bedroom, but I sheepishly asked for another drink which she obliged. When pouring the drink she asked 'Christopher . . . are you a virgin?' I answered that I was, something which I'd never admitted to anyone before and had always vehemently denied when previously questioned. She talked to me reassuringly as I drank and then led me to the bedroom.

I won't go into details but the rest of the appointment was amazing and intimate though we were basically strangers, we spoke more during and after which was, again, very intimate and personal. I left the appointment having received one last kiss, and wearing a grin which didn't fade for a few months and still returns when I reminisce.

I was extremely relieved to be free of the bonds of adult male virginity. As clichéd as this may sound, I felt like I had removed the weight of the world from my shoulders. I have since become much more confident in communicating with people. I still haven't had a meaningful relationship with a non-paid woman, though I have seen two other escorts since which, though not as special as the first, have served to make me more confident with women.

Although I was only eighteen at the time, and am only nineteen now, I could not and cannot see myself ever having had sex or a relationship without having seen an escort; I needed this. I will be going to University in September and hope to have a fresh start and, hopefully, forge new friendships and pursue a meaningful relationship with a woman. I will never forget Dannie and do not regret my decision to pay for the experience.

Yours sincerely,

Christopher, 19 years old, from England'

Given the prevalence Autism, I had to ask Christopher what advice he might offer to someone else considering this course of action. He answered with the following nuggets….

‘I would say that it's important to keep an open mind and be willing to learn, or more importantly, be willing to be taught. My first time I left my socks on and was jokingly scolded for it, we laughed and I didn't do it again. So, yeah, I'd say don't take things too seriously; be light-hearted in your approach and humility never hurt.

I'd also advise to aim to experience a variety of different women, not just one age group, ethnicity, background, et cetera. I've been with a tall blonde twenty five year-old, a medium height black-haired thirty year-old, and a short brunette thirty eight year-old. All of them brought a new and totally different experience.

Finally, I'd say if you're looking to use a sex worker to gain experience/ lose virginity/ whatever, then be sure to research them. Check previous clients' reviews, the reliability of the agency/girl, and remember that you generally get what you pay for. Also, I'd recommend a minimum booking of two hours, particularly for your first time; it gives you more time to relax and get to know the woman on some level.’

Wise words.

However you feel about Christopher’s choice, it is interesting to note that despite the fact that he lives with a condition that excludes him from the bore of standing on social ceremony, he is still prepared to go to great lengths to rid himself of his virginal status. He goes on to say this:

‘Now that I'm not a virgin I feel much more confident and happy in all aspects of life. As bizarre as this no doubt sounds, the moment I stopped being a virgin was the moment my confidence and general happiness increased ten-fold.’

You can’t argue with that.

Note: all names changed to protect identity.

Get fighting fit...

You are a creative bunch out there in the digital ether. ‘Regner’ from Denmark sent me this charming if highly poignant collection of thoughts and stories about virginity. Namely his own. It got me to thinking in another Carrie Bradshaw moment of contemplation that virginity loss is the conduit. The tunnel through which we drive so much of our anxiety, our sadness and our frustration with the way that life just doesn’t pan out the way we want it sometimes.

In many ways this story isn’t really about virginity loss. It’s part of it - the tangible part of a life that its owner doesn’t feel is quite up to scratch, but it’s not the whole story. This is the story of someone who has not yet grasped a sense of his own power. Put differently, he lacks confidence.

Confidence. Ten letters that pack a punch. If you want to define something indefinable, confidence makes a great example. What does it look like? Where do you get it? And how do you keep it? Big questions that require big answers and I’m not sure I am qualified to help but I will say this: we don’t have to be helpless.

The most powerful thing that a human being can do is to take action. We can’t make people fancy us more or grow taller or better looking, at least not on the outside. And therein lies the clue. Forget about the things that you can’t do much about and start working on the things that you can. Forget about labels like virgin or non-virgin and start defining life on your own terms.

Think of it like this. When a captain takes hold of the wheel and begins the long slow turn to take his ship in another direction, a tiny shift of ten degrees might not look like much but here’s the thing. His boat will end up in a totally different port. It’s the small things that make the difference.

Have a haircut, go on a diet, learn to dance or all of the above. Question your thoughts. Even one a day. Are the rest of the world really ‘so happy and in love’? Or is that just the way you chose to see them? Or what they tell you?

‘You can’t count other people’s money’ as somebody once said to me. Making assumptions about other people’s lives is just that – making assumptions.

Confidence comes from steering your own ship. A crisis of my own saw me take myself to my local gym a few years back. And I don’t mean Holmes Place. I mean the All Stars Gym on Harrow Road. It’s a starkly lit brick building with a boxing ring, a bell and a lot of large muscly black men knocking seven bells out of each other’s shadows. It was just what the doctor ordered. I didn’t go more than four times but it signified an important moment in my life – the moment I took control and decided to fight, quite literally, for what I wanted. And I found out this: the right energy will attract more of the same.

I shall step away from the pulpit now but hear this Regner. I always change people’s names to protect their anonymity. Consequently I find myself looking on web sites like this for new names to give to people. How would I know what a popular men’s name in Denmark is? Today I chose Regner because aptly, it means ‘wise warrier’.

Regner, if you are brave enough to tell the world your story then you have the strength to change it. Go forth and conquer (yourself) young man. I know you can do it.

'Hi Kate

You’ve written that you receive a lot of stories from late virgins. I am myself a 24-year old Danish ‘super-virgin’: I have never had sex, never been kissed, never held hands and it goes without saying that I’ve never had a girlfriend. This is my story and some of my thoughts on being a virgin for way too long time.

The Origins of Sex-lessness

I was brought up as a only child by my parents in a rural area. We were living outside of the village so there were few other kids that I could play with. When I was six years old and went to school I realised that my parents were different. It was a typical rural area where people were craftsmen or farmers. My parents on the other hand can be described as intellectual hippies – my childhood home was filled with books on philosophy, classical music and Buddha-statues.

They had little in common with the locals and little interaction with them. I am happy for all the things that I’ve learned from my parents and for the amount of cultural capital I’ve received but I wish that I could have avoided the negative consequences of being the strange nerdy kid who liked to read and hated football.

My company was good enough for my classmates when they were copying my homework but they would never invite me over or do anything else to include me. Needless to say there were a lot of social skills that I didn’t learn.

Things were bad but they got worse once I got old enough to realise that girls were very interesting. As any normal kid would do, I fell in love with Trine, a girl from my class. I think she also had a crush on me. In the afternoons, she used to walk a dog and it often happened by ‘accident’ that I met her on my way home from school.

I was completely obsessed with Trine. When I today read some of the diaries and poems I wrote during that period I am shocked at how creepy I was. But I never said a single word about my crush. Being the strange kid with no confidence, the task of expressing interest in a girl was a monumental challenge. Eventually her interest in me died out and she found other guys to be with.

But people are not stupid. Everybody was able to see that I was madly in love with her and as everybody who has ever been in a schoolyard would know, ‘strange fat kid being in love with someone’ is the best material a bully could ever wish for. I was ridiculed for being in love with Trine and I soon learned to associate love with humiliation and ridicule.

The years passed and I got to high school. I still had no confidence but gradually I gained a little and I got a few friends. But I was still unable to get a girlfriend. During my high school years, I only developed a crush on one girl, Luca. I met her at a high school party and I really don’t know how it happened but we managed to arrange a date. The days from the party to the date were the best days of my life. I was ecstatic about the fact that Luca had chosen me over all the other guys and that my long period of loneliness and unsatisfied desire finally seemed to be drawing to an end.

But then came the date. I arrived at the cinema with a spirit of hopeful anxiety and left with the same feeling the Polish cavalry must have had after having attacked German tanks with lances during World War 11. It was a complete disaster. It showed up that we were incompatible and had nothing in common. Our conversation consisted almost entirely of embarrassing silence and she soon became more interested in her cell phone than me.

This did nothing but reinforcing me in the belief that getting a girlfriend and getting rid of my virginity was a hopeless endeavour.

Time passed on and I graduated from high school. Until then I had comforted myself by the fact that I was not the only virgin and it is perfectly normal for some people to loose their virginity a little later. But being nineteen and on my way to university I could no longer use that excuse.

I moved away from home to go to law school. It was wonderful to get all that new freedom and meeting all the nice and intelligent people at the university. I was filled with hope – nobody knew me and I would be able to redefine myself as an ordinary outgoing guy with a completely normal relationship to the opposite sex. The gender ratio at law school was also in my favour with 60% of the students being female.

I got more confidence and became happier but I failed to make any real progress with the ladies. During my university years I have only been on dates with two girls and it didn’t work out. The first one came and visited me at home and I cooked her some dinner. The date was a nice experience for me since it learned me that a date can be a relaxed, down to earth thing but unfortunately there was no real spark between us and there never was a second date.

A while after, I had a date with Rikke. She was interested in me and I enjoyed the experience of having a girl wanting to be with me but I simply didn’t have any attraction to her. I stopped the thing after three dates.

How Not To Lose Your Virginity

Getting a girlfriend is at the top of my list of priorities but whenever I am in the vicinity of an attractive girl I run into a mental barrier. I am afraid of the entire situation, afraid of having to relate to another person in this completely new and unfamiliar way. I really want to flirt with her but my mind freezes and I’m completely unable to come up with anything to say so I just sit there in quiet desperation and watch some other guy taking her.

I simply don’t believe that I’m able to get a girlfriend. The girls at the university intimidates me – they are so pretty, so confident and so much in control of their lives. I feel that I’ve got nothing to offer them, at least not something that other guys cannot give them.

My body image doesn’t help me achieving my goal of getting a girlfriend. I have never been into sports or exercise and I love good food so it is no wonder that I’m somewhat obese and out of shape. To me it seems I have found a very effective way to preserve virginity. All you need to stay a virgin is fear of your preferred sex, lack of belief in your own personal qualities and a poor body image.

Inside The Virgin’s Head

Being a virgin after your teens is not a preferable situation, especially if you’re a man. Virginity is something one has to hide as if it was some terrible crime. Most people view virgins as pathetic losers who should just make more of an effort.

Being a virgin makes me feel inadequate and less a man than my peers. It is if there is a hole inside me where all the wonderful feelings of love and sexual desire should have been and this empty hole hurts. The physical pressure can be alleviated but I have found nothing that can compensate for the lack of emotional connection.

My virginity has also leads me to having some very ugly emotions from time to time. Misogyny is dangerously close and I would be lying if I were saying that there have never been moments where I have blamed my situation on the female sex. Luckily that disgusting feeling disappears quickly. Envy and virginity often goes hand in hand for me. When I see a couple kissing or hear people talk about their relationships, I ask myself what I have done not to deserve that.

Why isn’t it me being so happy and so in love? When I see what I can’t have it feels like an ice pick is being driven through my chest. I know that I ought to be happy on the behalf of those who are actually experiencing love, but I just want it to be my turn to be sitting at a park bench kissing.

I have read all the self-help books I could get my hands on and flooded every relevant Internet board and advice column in an attempt to figuring out how to defeat virginity. But nobody seems to have a clue about
how to do it. Telling people to wait and let things happen by themselves offers no help at all.

My description can seem depressing, and being a virgin when everybody else are having normal sex lives is depressing - but luckily life consists of more than sexuality and romance and I don’t go around feeling bad about my virginity all day long. I have great friends with whom I have fun and a loving family. I can appreciate the beauty in art, literature and music and I like being at university. Actually I would have nothing to complain about if it wasn’t for my virginity.

Yours sincerely

Regner’

Porn again teenagers...

I think I have just fallen in love with……..the Midwest Teen Sex Show. Anyone who is telling teenagers what they really want to know is performing a public service as far as I am concerned. Of course no-one is suggesting they actually go out and do any of this stuff, but if they do, at least they’ll be equipped for any eventuality.

There’s a neat video about ‘the first time’ on this excellent site but I like the latest offering - everything you need to know about porn. Rock on kids.

And check it out here:

Virgin territory...

Ever wondered what it would be like to sleep with a virgin? No, me neither. But last week's post got me thinking. If this occurrence were to, well, occur…what would I do? Em and Lo's fabulous website came to the rescue. I've been looking for an excuse to post this link for an age. Entitled 'How to deflower a nice young man in 14 steps', I think that gets to the point, don’t you?

Em and Lo go to great lengths to explain the in's (sorry) and the outs of what could be a potentially delicate procedure. What thoughtful people women are!

The owner of last week's story agrees. After I posted his brilliant story last week, I mailed back to ask him what the young woman in question thought when he broke the news that she had, um, just broken something else.

He replied…

'You wondered about the response of the woman in question when I told her about my 'situation'.... well, it's funny cos she is moving overseas permanently at the end of February. We both knew this when we hooked up so the whole thing has been on a sensible no-long-term plans basis. We chatted about it, it makes sense and we are both totally ok with this. Meanwhile, we have been meeting up, hanging out - and the other stuff - without the pressure of ‘is this going anywhere?’ type questions.

Anyway, I asked her how she feels about me being a virgin to start with and she said she almost felt a bit bad for 'corrupting’ me, but not really because I am so obviously happy with the 'corruption'. So after a little shock and embarrassment for her, I think she was pleased that I could be so open about things.

And the best bit? She decided that in this case, it is her responsibility to leave the country having equipped me with as much experience as possible by introducing me to all the different elements of sex and trying everything to see what feels good.

Its really cool to have someone be totally open and honest, showing me things and asking how it is, helping me find what I like or don’t, telling me what works best, encouraging me to explore everything...she always asks if there is anything I want to know, just ask and she will be honest, everything is completely relaxed and curious. To be honest, it's like a guys dream come true!'

No kidding.

What a woman. The universe works in mysterious ways. It’s almost like it decided to reward Dan for his patience. Here you are Son, you have been so good at waiting that we have decided to reward you with our highest honour: your very own virginity buster. What's more, you can keep her for a bit. She'll show you everything you need to know - without a shade of embarrassment and she won't stop until she is completely confident that you are ready to be unleashed upon the remainder of the female race. Holy shit, imagine if everyone had that sort of training, we would be living in sexual nirvana. I thank the lord for women like, well, I don't know her name, but you know who I mean, and of course, Em and Lo. Ladeez, keep the good work up!