I have a little tale about virginity…..and love this week. Assuming that we are all talking about the same thing that is. Because it’s not like there is an international yard stick for love that we can all hold and know that we are talking about exactly the same thought, feeling, emotion, or whatever it is that we are talking about when we talk about love. Is there?
Not as far as I know there isn’t. Love is a highly subjective concept. How do we know that the love – or the so-called lack of - that our story teller speaks of today isn’t the exact same feeling that got our parents and our grand parents through 35 odd years of marriage, war, food shortages and god knows what else together?
Today’s storyteller says that she isn’t in love but that she adores the man that she loses her virginity to. Crikey, I’d take ‘adore’ over some of the stories that I have heard about virginity loss. Adore is a definite step in the right direction.
The point is that one doesn’t have to get it exactly right for that first time. Unless you are planning to get married to your first love, why aim for perfection? Which is another highly subjective concept when I think about it and perhaps one of the reasons why so many marriages fail these days.
Our parents probably did have a slightly more realistic view of what ‘real love’ and marriage actually involves on a day to day basis (a heady mix of patience, boredom, security and passion perhaps?) but either way, I think Carly makes a sensible choice about the man that she chooses to lose her virginity to.
Losing it to someone that you are insanely head over heels about is not always the best idea. In fact, when it all goes tits up, which invariably it does when you are dealing with emotions of that intensity, the fall out can take years to deal with. As this rather alarming article from the Observer confirms.
Why not make it a happy, healthy experience with someone whom you respect, fancy and/or adore? If someone has the decency to treat you well, you’re onto a winner already.
Carly. Born 1991. Lost virginity aged 18
‘I met my boyfriend through a friend I go to school with. He was dating her when we met so I never really thought we would get to date. About a year and a few months later they broke up and, in a way, I kind of swooped in and snagged him for myself. I find him to be the most handsome of guys and also the most put together, as in he was well dressed, cleaned up nice, and his intellect met up with mine. First we started off with me asking him to prom, and then confessing that I really adored him. He proclaimed the same and we started dating on April 17, 2009. I am 18 and so is he.
My mom is somewhat religious on the Christian stand point, and my dad wasn't so much religious as just more into morals. He believed, because I am the youngest that I should never have sex ever and that I should never even think about it. I was always told to 'lose it when you're in love'. Quite honestly, I don't even know what love is. Also, I'm not really worried about 'love' at this point in my life. Sure if I stumble upon it that would be nice but I'm not going to go around trying to find 'the one', if I did I would just probably end up 'settling'.
I am young and so is he, but we felt like we couldn't say no anymore. The attraction was too much for us and we really felt we were old enough and ready. It was June 18, 2009. The day after our 3 month anniversary, which is my longest relationship to date. I knew I didn't love him and I still don't but we are still happily together. We started discussing sex about the second week we were going out. Him and I have a ridiculous amount of sexual attraction so we really didn't think about it much; sex just seemed to fit well between us and in this relationship.
Well it was night time, about a week after we had bought condoms and we kept them hidden in a box in my closet. Everyone was asleep. We were on the couch just messing around, you know foreplay stuff. We took one look at one another and decided it was 'time'. He went to my closet and picked up 2 condoms, 1 extra just in case the other wasn't going to go on correctly because you never know what might happen, and then we met up in the guest bedroom.
He pulled down his pants and I took mine off. Now when people say the first time hurts severely, they weren't lying. I didn't last more then a few minutes. The pain was so severe. Also it was somewhat awkward because it hurt and also I felt like it really sucked for him. He kept reassuring me that it was fine and he would only go as far as I wanted and that he would respect me in any which way.
Afterward, I ended up walking a little different and sitting weird for a day or so. Now it took about 3 times before we realized I hurt so bad because of the angle we were at. Once he shifted and I moved a bit it was very pleasurable and quite nice. Some people say you will regret your first time if you're not in love. But I don't.
My mother and sister keep telling me that it’s a mistake because I don't love him. Well I do love him but in a different way. Like I love him for who he is but not the love that makes me want to stay with him the rest of my life. To me love is something that grows as you do. It’s not something to be rushed into and not thought about. The way I see it is...that this was a learning experience. I see that all relationships should be a learning experience. My dad asked why I was with Diego even though I don't want to marry him. I said to him that I'm too young to be in love and that I'm with Diego because I am meant to be right now in this part of my life.’