There is a whole bunch of stuff written in the media these days about ‘the law of attraction’. And I don’t necessarily mean the pheromones that attract one potential mate to another, but the experiences that we subconsciously bring into our lives - for better or for worse. We all have a conscious life. And we all have a subconscious life.
The self-help industry has spawned a million books on the subject. The premise is that if we focus fully on the positive, the great and the good with a bucket load of self-belief thrown into the picture, that we can achieve anything that we want. The catch is, that what we believe to be true, we often bring to fruition - whether it be our most fantastical fantasies or our own worst nightmares. Films have been made about this. One could attend any number of seminars on the matter and I, for one, concur. I think it’s also called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Which all sprung to mind as I read today’s story’s. Asides from my obvious chagrin at the lack of punctuation - we will say no more on the matter – what strikes me about this story is how its owner manages to twist and turn the events listed below in her mind so that they end up becoming her actual reality. Her limited expectations for herself have tripped her up. She doesn’t believe that she can lose her virginity to a man who will tell her that he loves her – so she makes sure that she leaves him before he has a chance to say it.
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is not a criticism by the way. We have all done it. Heck, I only recognize the tendency because I've seen it in myself.
The difference at least for this young woman is that she is twenty years old but she recognizes this aspect of herself. In this respect she is five steps ahead of the game. Know thine enemy and all that. We frequently are our own worst enemies but having the foresight to acknowledge this is the first, and probably the most powerful step in the journey.
Aurelie. Aged 20
i came across your blog about a year exactly when i was contemplating losing my virginity, but it became all the more relevant on april 13 last year when i actually had sex for the first time. mine is the usual story, one which im sure happens to many. what i would like to share however, was my thoughts on the experience, before, after and now. what i never expected was the length of time it would take for me to understand exactly what it meant to lose my virginity- i guess I never truly will know.
unlike my mother and grandmother before me, i did not lose my virginity to the man i was married to. And not to a boyfriend. but to a boy i had seen for 2 months. it was a purely sexual relationship. he was a decent guy, but our time together revolved around the amazingly magnetic spark that existed between us.
i had sex with him because i was naked in his bed, a little drunk, and he was the sexiest guy i had ever seen. i thought i was in control of my sexual destiny, that making the decision to relinquish my virginity to this guy was somehow empowering. the sex was amazing but whilst i lay there in his dark room, with his body pulsating, i suddenly knew i would never be there again. i would never be in his room again, i would never kiss him again.
straight after i banished that thought. but true to form it happened as i had imagined. i felt so confused the next week, trying to make sense of it. it was as though some part of me was missing, that i had crossed over a bridge i could never get back from - yet i was aware that it was all a construction of the mind intermingling with my value system.
i had not devalued myself in making my decision but society’s expectations of how you should lose your virginity began to resonate. i knew i didn't regret it, but i began to wonder if there was something wrong with me in sleeping with a guy who didn’t love me.
sure enough, i broke things off with nick, telling him i liked him and i couldn't just see him casually anymore. he replied as i knew he would, stating he didn’t want a girlfriend. at this point i walked away and haven’t spoken to him since, despite him attempting to get in contact with me many times. in this way, i followed my self destructive narrative- i lost my virginity to someone who wasn't my boyfriend, thus i was punished in it not resulting in a relationship and subsequently felt worthless for a long time.
it was only the other day that i realised i had punished myself for not having a fairytale version of this sacred event. it was clear that we both liked each other, but in my misinterpretation of what virginity loss meant, i acted rashly when he didn’t say the words i wanted to hear and I never gave him a chance.
i have an idea you can only truly own your sexuality after losing your virginity. Losing it is like venturing into un-chartered territories where you are not quite sure what you will find. when you do arrive, it might not be what you expect, and so you instinctively use old and ingrained ideas to try and explain this new concept in a way your brain will understand. gradually, when you come to realise that virginity is an individual thing and sex is undoubtedly different to anything you've encountered before, you can create a new set of ideas about it. so i've finally been able to forgive myself for the decison i made to lose my virginity and thus let go of all expectations i never really knew i held. (aurelie, 20, Australia)