Today's account is a rather emblematic tale of conflict in a modern society. It is the story of a young woman who is torn between the sharp confines of her beliefs and her religion and the very real yearnings of her heart. We all want love, intimacy and union with that special somebody. Life is tough enough. We seek shelter and hope in our relationships. We seek a place to stop and express ourselves…which frequently, let's face it, involves sex.
Because sex is a way of demonstrating how we feel, of reviving and of pleasuring ourselves. All pretty essential components of a healthy, happy life. Make no mistake then, that deciding to remain a virgin until the day you get married is a tall order in today's society. Throw religious confusion and a sense of duty into that pile and you've got yourself a real dilemma.
And I'm not trying to be flip when I say that today's story revealed a conflict of my very own. I set about 'correcting' this story with all the zeal of a person who believes that every single sentence ever written in the English language should begin with a capital letter. I mopped up those 'i's and corrected those 'the's' in a fit of grammatical self righteousness that left me exhausted, so tired was I from scooping up all those dropped capitals. I just cannot get with this trend to un-capitalize the crap out of everything. Until I had a little revelation of my own.
This story, in the rush to make it sound 'better', had gone and lost its power, its resonance and its poignancy. Instead of sounding like the voice of the person who had written it, it had begun to sound like me. 'Corrected' it may be, but homogenised it had become. The ticks and the nuances that add the flavour, the style and the feeling of the story had all gone. Times change, language changes and ultimately, the way that people communicate with each other has changed, and so, dear reader, I decided to get over myself and un-correct the so called corrected.
Ok, so I left in the full stops. Let me have some full stops. I like my full stops. But everything else remains the same. And it feels better. More importantly, it sounds like the human being that wrote it. I can hear her voice more clearly and that’s the most important thing.
Perhaps, in the spirit of modern communication, you might have something that you want to say to Honor? Can you offer her a solution, or some comfort for her dilemma? As a modern woman in the 21st century, I found it very hard to put my own feelings aside when I replied to her email. But then I am not religious so what do I know. I only have me to answer to, and that’s hard enough as it is. Imagine having to answer to god as well.
from london UK
'virginity' is a very sensitive issue to me. i am twenty two and still a virgin. the reasons for this involve both religious and personal reasons. how i have kept it for so long in this time and age still shocks me but i have. the journey has no way been easy for me. i have been through so many boyfriends as well as heartache, because of my unwillingness to have sex. i do get involved in other sexual activities but just not penetrative sex. i have had so many moments where i have doubted myself and felt that it was fear holding me back, i have been brought to tears on this issue on several occasions (including this very moment).
i decided to keep my virginity because of my faith (religion). it does not encourage sex outside of or before marriage. other reasons for this is that i don't want to start having sex with one guy then break up with him and end up having sex for the wrong reasons like anger, just in the moment kinda thing or a drunken moment. i have alwayz thought of my virginity as a gift, one i intend to give my future husband. my ex`s have all said to me i am in lala land if i think i would find someone who will wait and called me naive and scared. but i am 110% sure that i do not have fear of the sexual act. if i have any fear then its fear of having regrettable moments involving sex.
needless to say, the teary moments are what gets me. i have met guyz i have thought to be perfect for me but i fear the relationship ( if any) would be based on sex. i met a guy who for the first time since i started dating, gave me all the fairytale moments. he was my friend and more. and like a friend he was honest to me and told me he wouldn't be able to be with me without sex, he said he loved it too much. this caused so much confusion for me because i really liked him - all of him and he wasn't even my type which made my attraction to him stronger. he said i was perfect for him but he didn't know if he could wait and not cheat on me.
of course everyone told me that it was all bull but i was so into him that i didn't care and stuck with him, tellin him how much i adored him everyday. On valentine`s day this year i wrote him a poem. i could tell it touched something in him because he was more attentive to my feelings and all the sweet talk we used to do initially came back only much stronger. but i had to know he wanted to be with me so i kept my distance and gave him space to show he wants to be with me. i stopped callin him and eventually he called me after 2 weeks saying he has been trying to call me but i didn't get any missed calls, till today a couple months after and he hasn't contacted me and vice versa.
i miss him so much but i cant force him to be celibate because of me. till today i get moments where i just want to sit down on m my bed and cry my eyes out thinking if im making a mistake keeping my virginity. right now i want to call him but i fear that time has created to long a bridge for me to cross and i have already lost him as a friend and more.
i am tired of doing this over and over again but there is nothing i can do. my reasons for keepin my virginity still stand but my heart weakens every time i turn a guy down and its like every time that happens, he takes a piece of me and i am completely lost. my greatest fear is that pressure from today's society and my sexual urge for release will lead me to lose my virginity for a reason much worse that if i had choosen to have sex with one of my ex`s.
oh and i'm catholic by the way, very strict religion, especially on the issue of sex but apart from that my mum ( bless her soul) takes pride in knowing i'm a virgin, my younger sister isn't and told my mum and i could tell my mum was heartbroken about it and yes i know its my life and not hers but she wouldn't want the wrong thing for me and i take pride in the fact that i could keep myself this long. the idea of giving my hubby this precious gift of mine is still strong and possibly the strongest reason i have but i fear that i might lack experience to keep him home when the time comes.
actually i have two thoughts about my 'wedding night', i either want to shock the socks of him by giving him the greatest sex he ever had or giving him the gift idea. 'sigh', like i said, im in two minds about this.'