The harder they come...

Okey doke. Today I have a little journey for you. A journey through the life of a regular guy. He is attractive, articulate and popular. But he has never had sex. Until recently that is. These are the days that The Virginity Project celebrates. These are the days when we kick our heels, dance a jig and eat a whole box of Lindt Lindor’s on someone else’s behalf.

I applaud the guts of this young man. It’s not easy to break out of a sexless life when all around you are getting their rocks off with whomever or whatever they like. This huge great big mushroom cloud of culture that we call society does not make it easy for people like Dan. If you’re not having sex, then hell, what are you doing?

So, today I am celebrating having the guts to go for it. As some wise person recently said to me, ‘Everything you want is just out of your comfort zone’. True words. Step outside the circle and take your reward. It’ll be worth it if you try…

I shall start from the beginning. Here is Dan’s first email:

‘Dear Kate,

I found your blog the other day and I thought maybe you would be interested in my situation. I just turned twenty-nine and somehow I am still a virgin. It makes me squirm just typing it. I know it means nothing but I can't help feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I just don't get how every seemingly normal person in the world has managed to get theirs out of the way and I am lagging so far behind.

I am a decent-enough looking guy; I have friends, a job and all those normal things. I'm not crazy or weird in a way that makes people run away. I was pretty popular in school and even had a girlfriend who actually wanted us to have sex but I felt unready and we never got that far. More and more, I look back on that early relationship as the chance I should never have passed up.

Anyway, the relevant bit is that as thirty looms large on the horizon and I feel like more of a sexless freak, I have been considering the possibility of paying for sex and getting the first hurdle out of the way. I dunno if I'd have the guts to do it but I just keep thinking about it. It’s just such a pointless burden, the virginity thing. I have no illusions that the first time will be great anyway, so why not just get it done in whatever crap way necessary?

I should add that I was not brought up with strict moral or religious attitudes. I had a decent caring upbringing and I wasn’t bullied so it baffles me why it should be me that is missing out on what should have been years of sexual experience by now! I am glad that people like you are looking into areas of sexuality which society doesn't like to discuss because it can be a traumatic issue to deal with which can affect our entire adult life.

Best wishes,

Dan’

I replied:

‘Dear Dan

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. The first thing that I am itching to tell you is that since I started this project, by far the largest amount of mail I receive is from people exactly like yourself.

Secondly, don't underplay your experience - you are absolutely right, there is SO much pressure on people these days to have sex, great sex, lots of sex, and as such, those that haven’t done it yet, for whatever reason, don't feel like they fit into society’s idea of what we should all be conforming to.

The point I am trying to make is that whilst our parents struggled their way through sex lives that were shrouded in mist, at least they didn't have to deal with the huge amount of expectation placed on young people these days to have active sex lives.

I can see how this must reeeeeally bug you and how it becomes a far bigger deal than it actually is because you haven’t had sex yet - and its not like this is the sort of thing you get to share with someone, possibly not even your closest friends. That only serves to increase our feelings of isolation.

I think your idea to overcome this dilemma with the help of a sex worker is a great idea and if I can help point you in the direction of someone who might be able to help, let me know. I have met a couple of interesting women who work in that field in my story seeking adventures.

I think it is a question of overcoming, so to speak, that first hurdle, and gaining your confidence that way. Funnily enough, I interviewed a man recently who had his first sexual experience with a prostitue as well. The bizarre thing is, that within a month of that experience, he met his first proper girlfriend, he believes, because it gave him an innate confidence that he didn't have before.

As I approach the age of 40, it hits me like a steam train that this is IT. It’s a cliché, but its true. We only get one life - and its way too short to feel miserable about problems that have solutions. Pro-activity is the way ahead. Seize the day I say. It won't be the first time we all dreamt about, but take it from me, I have interviewed so many people - no one has the perfect first time. I don't think your first time will be any less perfect than anyone else's.

Good luck, best wishes and keep me posted on your progress...Kate M’

Some months later:

‘Dear Kate,

My name is Dan and a few months ago I wrote you an email about my situation, which you then replied to. I really want to update this for reasons that will become obvious.

In October I turned twenty-nine and still a virgin. Many years of drastically falling confidence had taken their toll to the point where I could see thirty years old hitting me hard and I was even considering the possibility of getting my virginity out of the way by paying for sex. Your reply was very sympathetic and warming and I thank you for that!

The reason I am writing now, is that after much talk with close friends about letting go of worry and embracing whatever comes in life, whether you feel scared or ill-prepared or ecstatic, has helped me to turn a huge corner in my life. I feel that the conscious effort to change to a more positive and all-embracing outlook on life has led me to this most recent situation...

...A few nights ago at a rock nightclub with friends, a female friend who I had always thought was stunning but out of my league, drunkenly confessed that she really liked me. I was in total, and I mean TOTAL shock. Before I knew it, we were kissing and spent the rest of the night doing the same. She made it clear that she was willing to have sex that night and she came back to my place for coffee but I felt so in shock and wary of her being quite drunk that we left it at that - with the promise of a date. My confidence from that night was boosted immeasurably, along with my new attitude of wanting to embrace the scary changes which can make life wonderful.

We met a few days later and hit it off right where we left off. It was so exciting! I had had a few days to adjust to the idea that someone actually likes me, who I also find very attractive, and I was open to any possibility.

She had made it clear on the previous occasion that she was up for sex, so I had been thinking through in my mind about how it could be, and mentally preparing myself to go for it. Everything just felt so natural and unforced, so honest, that it just seemed right to think it.

So, we got a little tipsy, then quite drunk, although I must stress that alcohol only greased the wheels of an already rolling wagon, and then we had a great night of conversation and flirting and increasingly passionate kissing, before walking back to her place.

I was more drunk than I realised, but completely in control of my thoughts and reason, and kept thinking, ‘Is this it? Could this be it?’ When we got back, before I knew it we were on her bed, then becoming naked - a new first for me - then we were doing all those things I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to taste. And it all felt so natural. Everything was different than I had imagined it would be, but also everything was less strange than I had imagined.

For a first time, I would guess it was pretty good with very little weirdness. The only flaw was that I was a bit too inebriated to, (there's no other way to put it, sorry), actually cum. But I had had my first taste of actual, real sex, giving and receiving oral, and intercourse. I had actually had proper sex!

As we talked afterwards, I told her that that had been my first time, and she was shocked. She said she never would have guessed, and that it had been perfectly good sex for her, especially considering our states of being at the time. We slept on and off and I felt more than anything, a pleasant calm, a reassurance, like I can’t believe I thought it was anything other than a natural thing to do.

I am so lucky to have had this experience at this particular time in my life when I am opening myself to all sorts of possibilities and to soothe away my worries about sex and relationships in a subtle but powerful wave of natural truth. Sex doesn’t seem like such an all-dominating pressurised worry anymore.

Remembering the night now, a day later, it all seems like a hazy surreal dream. I almost forget that I am no longer a virgin. It even feels strange to write it. Everyday things seem surprisingly the same, mundane, same as always... but I feel different inside. I am so far from being experienced as yet but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I find a new courage to look forward in life with hope and confidence.

Please forgive my getting a little carried away and poetic! But as I look forward to learning so much more, with my confidence threatening to soar for the first time in years, I feel the need to share this story with you.

I may even write again with any other happenings if I feel they may be interesting in some way, but in a much smaller email I promise!! I hope this follow up is of interest to you in some way... and thanks for your blog which I have found a comfort at times.

Best wishes,

Dan’

Cue spontaneous round of applause.

Comments

[DJ Kirkby]

A lovely ending, but I was going to say it doesn't really matter when you loose your virginity. I think sex gets better as you get older anyway and it wouldn't have mattered if I had waited...ah the wisdom of age.