Angst, hope, fear and joy. You can always rely on good old virginity loss to deliver such a jaw juddering compilation of human emotion. Wars may be won and dictatorships may fall, but taking the giant leap into adulthood will always be scary - guaranteed. Out here in the rest of the world, however, there is no such luck. Sands are shifting, gender is bending and ordinary people everywhere are still trying to work out what it is we should be doing.
The tension replicates itself everytime a helpful gent opens a door for me. For a split second the fear is palpable as his eyes lock on mine, his arm starts to shake and....he panics. 'Shit! I've just made the most terrible mistake. I forgot. Women open their own doors now. OMG! She looks murderous.......aarrrRRRRRGGGGGHHHH'. Sound of heels being turned, swiftly followed by door slamming in face.
Just for the record, I have no issue with door opening. But I do get the dilemma. There's a whole load of argy-bargy going on out here as we dance the strange dance of trying to work out where we all stand. It used to be so simple. Not any more. In the words of a young woman I interviewed recently, 'we’re just going mental, aren’t we? We’re taking over.’
We are. Oh look. We have.
There are details to work out its true, but on the whole, most of us are leading lives that our grandmothers wouldn’t recognize. But where does that leave the male of the species? Confused is what. Birth control got the ball rolling, and it pretty much hasn’t stopped since. We earn money, we rule roosts and we generally dance to the beat of our own drums. Literally. Ever heard of DIY? The two boys walking behind me in Cavendish square the other night certainly had. Let me refresh your memory:
Posh boy one: (Talking about mutual female work colleague), ‘Don’t you think she’s just really blaaddy hot? I do, but she obviously masturbates wayyyyyyy too much!’
Posh boy two: ‘Yah, she's just not having the cock is she? She’d much rather go home and masturbate. But she’s still blaaady hot!!’
What? I wanted to know, was all that about?
Well, boys and girls, I think I might have figured it out. Beneath the joviality of two happy ‘hoorays’ out for a jocular night of ‘penis jousting’ - their words, not mine, I believe we may have arrived slap bang at the centre of a very sore spot.
Men are petrified that they are surplus to requirements. Think about it. All the signs are there. Women do not require the presence of a man any more than they need another area of their body that requires hair removal. We are self-sufficient. Heck, we don’t even need men for pleasure any more. ‘Female’ and ‘masturbation’ were two words that didn’t often appear together until relatively recently, at least in public. But they do now and there’s no turning back. Women have found their power, and they’re not afraid to use it.
And how about babies? Worried about replication? Don’t!! Our new found earning power can buy us all the sperm we need - bringing with it a whole new meaning to the words ‘grow your own’. Just imagine. No fuss, no muss and no more pesky ‘relationships’ to navigate. Babies bred without the addition of an actual man. There is it. Fear with a very real basis. Welcome to our brave new world.
Or not. Men are so much dimmer than I thought.
It’s never, ever going to happen - and I’ll tell you why. Never in a month of Sundays will we fall out of love....with love. We live for it, we breathe for it and our lives depend on it. There is not a cat in hells chance that women will ever get bored of men. Hello? Hormones!! The urge to build a nest and sit in it will never cease. We have been hardwired this way since the dawn of time.
Men might become house-husbands and women will likely take over the world, but partnership will always be the name of the game no matter how many girls find new ways to ‘entertain’ themselves whilst the likes of you lot get your acts together. Although I suspect that in the case of our two lovable toffs, the line that launched a thousand books might be more appropriate: ‘he’s just not that into you’. Stick an ‘S’ on the front of that quote dears, and we might be scratching the surface of truth.
Whatever. Some things will never go out of fashion and love, my friend, is one of them. Worry not gentlemen. The future is not orange. It is red, it is heart shaped and it’s rhythmic beat is coming to a town near you – soon!!!