Virginity and its loss is not all about the first experience of penetrative sex. For some people, virginity was an attitude, a way of life, a behavioural pattern. My well thumbed copy of Hanne Blank’s book, ‘Virgin – The Untouched History’, reveals that thirteenth century theologian, Thomas Aquinas, spoke of a spritualis castitas, or a spiritual chastity, that dealt with, ‘the refusal to enjoy things that were judged to be against God’s design’. One wonders what they might have been? Was there a thirteenth century equivalent of reality TV?
Greek poet, Bacchylides said, 'As a skilful painter gives a face beauty, just so chastity gives charm to a life of high aims'. Even in pre-Christian times, chastity and celibacy were two very different ideas. But the Victorians…….well, the Victorians turned virginity into an art form.
“Ladies, just a little more virginity, if you don’t mind”. So said actor, Herbert Beerbohn Tree, sometime between his birth in 1852 and his death, in 1917. And whilst it probably helps to know, that due to various indiscretions, somewhere along the line, the dear man helped to sire the father of actor, Oliver Reed, Mr Tree was very much a product of the Victorian era, a bunch of people who knew a thing or two about virginity.
I know this because last week, the BBC sent me up to Manchester to take part in ‘Woman’s Hour’, as part of their ‘Sex lives of us’ week. Not only did they send me to Manchester but also into a vague head spinning kind of panic. It’s live! It’s a British institution! What do I really know about anything anyway? This was compounded by the sheer brains and background of my co-guest, the lovely Anka Bernau, author of a new book, ‘Virgins – A Cultural History’. Boy, did we have some talking to do. I don’t meet a lot of other people who spend most of their time thinking about virginity loss. That asides, Anka is also an academic and she knows a thing or two about, well, most things.
In response, I killed an afternoon in ad-land by doing some research and pretty much disappeared into a by-gone era. This website absolutely kills me. The sections on Victorian etiquette are something to behold. Can you even imagine how life must have felt for the Victorians whilst trying to simultaneously exist and remembering all the things that they shouldn’t be doing? This takes the idea of a virginity related attitude to a whole new level. Here are some basic rules to get you started:
'Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.
Learn to speak in a gentle tone of voice.
Learn to say kind and pleasant things when opportunity offers.
Learn to govern yourself and to be patient.
Learn to deny yourself and prefer others'.
OK, try to remember all that whilst visiting your friends and remembering this:
'Do not be in haste to seat yourself; one appears fully as well and talks better, standing for a few moments.
A man should never take any article from a woman's hands--book, cup, flower, etc.
Do not meddle with, or stare at the articles in the room.
Do not toss over the cards in the card receiver.
Do not scratch your head or use a toothpick, ear spoon or comb.
Use a handkerchief when necessary, but without glancing at it afterwards.
Do not tell long stories, argue, talk scandal or rumors.'
And god forbid you make any of these, the worst possible kind of faux-pas ….
'To remove one's gloves when making a formal call. Good grief.
To stare around the room. NO!!!!!
To walk around the room when waiting for the hostess. Please stop.
To look at your watch when calling. Well that’s just rude in anyone’s book.
To make remarks about another caller who has just left the room. Ditto the above.'
Look at how much our world has changed in a century. Can you even imagine for one second what a Victorian lady might make of the life of a woman in 2007? Because quite frankly, my life is an orgy of walking around rooms whilst waiting for hostesses, making remarks about callers who have just left the room and the removal of gloves whilst making formal calls. Alongside the occasional binge drinking session, (two pints of lager in my case), unmarried ‘relations’, and my weekly guilty pleasure session – reading 'Grazia' in the bath for an hour and a half.
I would make a terrible Victorian. I am sticking to the modern definition of virginity. It’s so much easier.
