‘Hippie commune’, ‘Muslim’ and ‘virginity loss’. Five words I didn’t expect to hear in one sentence. This is an interesting little story. I like the picture that Amira paints. It’s almost akin to an Everest expedition. The protagonist and her lover picking their way through the snow clad forest, everything they need for their adventure packed up on their backs. ‘Pyjama’s, (heaven forbid you forget the pyjama’s), condoms, spermicide and lubricant’. Whoever said that today’s teens were irresponsible?
Amira*. Born in 1990. Lost virginity aged 17.
‘The community wasn't exactly where I grew up, but within the past several years, I have spent a lot of time there and adopted a lot of their values. They have always treated me like family, like my opinion matters, something I never really received at home.
Home was a different story, but strangely enough, the decision to have sex wasn't very difficult for me, despite the Muslim values of chastity being forced upon me since I was young. In Islam, you are forbidden even to kiss before marriage, which implies the primitive practice of arranged marriage. I am very opposed to arranged marriage. One time when I was young, my father even told me that when I was older, they would place an ‘ad’ in a Muslim magazine to find me a husband. But despite my father being a strict Muslim, when I was fourteen, I finally moved away from those beliefs and found the courage to tell him. He doesn't like it, but I think he accepts it for now, hoping that I will go back.
Of course my story isn't at all perfect, as most first times rarely are, but even if the event itself wasn't, the partner couldn't have been more perfect.
We had been trying to plan a time for us to have sex and because we had never done it, we didn't know how easy it would be to find a spot. My boyfriend was from Germany and he was staying for a year with the community. He had a room in the ‘Main house’, which is where everyone eats their meals and hangs out. Finally, one of the people who lives there went out of town and said that we could stay at his house. The family's houses are spread out all over the property. Coincidentally, this man was also our teacher at the alternative school which was also on the farm's property.
The day came and we ate dinner with the community and waited for them to leave so that we could head up to the house unseen. We packed all the items we would need: pyjamas, toothbrushes, condoms, spermicide and lubricant. As we left to go out into the February weather, we were hit by a cold gust of wind. It was freezing. Enough to have the same effect as sandpaper on our cheeks. We walked against the wind, step after step and it got deeper and deeper as we made our way into the fields. It was so dark that we occasionally went off the path into a knee deep, if not deeper, patch of snow.
We made it to the house unscathed, except for runny noses and pink cheeks. The house which is always heated by a wood stove, was just about as freezing as outside, minus the wind. So he started a fire as I am completely inept at such practical things. We cuddled a bit on the couch, both nervous as the fire began heating the house. Finally we decided we were ready and we brushed our teeth together before heading upstairs.
How odd that our first time was in our teacher's bed. We got out our condoms, spermicide, and lubricant and left them to the side. We both undressed, ready to get into bed together. I remember we both left on our thick wool socks because it was still relatively cold. I put in spermicide to begin with because at that time I wasn't on birth control.
We kissed, licked, sucked, and did many things that we had already done before. He was erect, but I still remained tight; I wasn't loose or lubricated yet. We decided to try the lubricant and that helped as he applied it. We had another minor issue with the condoms which wouldn't fit very well; they were Trojans. He said that they didn't have this kind in Germany. It also led to a running joke about how American condoms are too small for the ‘grande’ German. We managed to fit one out the best we could and we figured it would be alright since we had two contraceptives. We tried missionary, but it didn't seem very effective. Every time he would start to come in, it was almost as if he would just be thrown out, not to mention it was also quite painful. He suggested that I go on top and I did. But the pain was just as immense. Eventually he was in me, but both of us were cringing in pain; me from being stretched, him from because constricted.
We decided to give up for the night. Maybe too soon, but it felt like we had been trying a while and a wave of sleepiness hit us. We cuddled awhile longer, said ‘I love you’ some more, and fell asleep spooning. Of course, we ended up trying and trying again on later occasions until we got it right, and it led to some satisfying sex, both emotionally and physically.
In my opinion, I don't think you have to wait for marriage. Of course some people want to, some people choose to do so for religious reasons and that is perfectly respectable, but I don't think you have to. We didn't know how long we would be together because he had to return to Germany, and he left just about a month ago. If you have someone you really love, who adores you as much as you do them, and you feel ready, I would say go for it. I did. My point is that you never know when is the next time you are going to be in love. Perhaps it will come easily, perhaps it will take awhile, but you never know. I loved him, I still love him, and more than anything, I am happy that it was him I chose to give it to and the fact that he chose me as well.
I think it's an important decision, but to me, the importance is not marriage, it is love’.
*All names changed to protect identity.