I am a woman.
Sound a bit Tantric?
Its not meant to. It is merely a statement of fact. I am a woman and therefore I speak only from a female perspective. Which is one reason, among many, for enjoying my research so much. I get to get inside the heads of men. It feels like a privileged position, a ticket to a much coveted show, a feeling more akin to joining the Masons – not that I will ever know how that feels - unless someone starts a branch of, ugh, the Masonettes.
Men tell me the best stuff. They don’t hold back. They speak the exact same language that women do. Men weave fabulous, great big pictures of their intimate lives. Pictures filled with as much passion, drama and longing as any female could muster. There is little point in embellishing the stories because they know that I will change their identity. For an hour or two, it is just them, me, and a Dictaphone. Sometimes I think they’re even better at story telling than women are. Perhaps because they have less opportunities. As William Leith pointed out in Observer Woman last week, men will always tell you they’re OK, even when they’re not.
Now they email me as well. Here is Danny. Aged twenty-two, he describes the humungous hurdles jumped in order to lose his virginity. As he says, ‘with men, virginity is not often ‘chosen’.
Danny. Born 1985. Lost virginity aged 20
I thought I'd share my experience because I think it's quite indicative of guys in my situation. I'd been in single sex schools since I was eight years old. I recall having a few girl mates back then and even found an old home video of a birthday party of mine with a girl in it! I moved schools at eight into the private sector because my parents didn't like the poor grades I was bringing home. Educationally this was clearly the best thing to do, but socially it was awful.
I honestly believe that I talked to perhaps two or three girls from ages nine until thirteen. I just didn't get any exposure to them. My single sex school turned co-ed in my final year, but they were only accepting girls under eight, (I was thirteen), so this was no good either.
Reading old journals, I recall getting crushes on celebrities quite easily. There used to be a TV show called "The Secret World of Alex Mack" and I crushed on the main character in that. Scully from X-Files and Xena too. I am sure this was normal boy/teen behavior, but I feel that due to my lack of exposure to girls, TV/films became a medium through which I had sexual feelings.
Later, I moved onto another private school which was co-ed. However, they had separate boy's schools and girl's school. We're all on the same campus but lessons were taught separately. Again, I had virtually no contact with girls. At Sixth form we finally got mixed with the girls in classes. This was my first real exposure to females. In the lower 6th I got my first real crush, her name was Linda. I got absolutely obsessed with her, at this point I also started getting depressed; I wanted a girlfriend, I didn't have any male friends to go out with either. I was just so alone. My happiness for the day hinged on Linda talking to me, this could be the most minor of conversations, small talk or talking about school. But it still meant a lot. When she looked at me, I recall how great it made me feel. I used to get jealous of other guys who got to be her friend. This crush lasted until I left school. There were two other girls who were kinda friendly with me. One really saw through me and said out loud that she thought I was lonely.
Anyway, at nineteen and leaving for university, I'd still never held hands, never kissed or never been out with a girl. It was getting really awful. I hoped Uni would change that.
Living in halls I was obviously exposed to lots of women, however, our halls were small so there was no sleeping around cause everyone knew each other. Things were getting worse and worse, I'd never been so depressed, I'd sleep all day and cry most of the night. Then one of the girls in my classes said she liked me. Long story short, she was a tease. The entire friendship/relationship was over the phone and she refused to see me and had a boyfriend. This was a real low point in my life and I went on anti-depressants.
I was so desperate to experience what everyone else had so I visited an escort. I didn't have intercourse with her, just a hand-job. I was glad I did it, although when I'm down now, I beat up over it. I hate to admit that to people and I think I've only ever told one person about it. It's not something to be proud of, and I admire that James from Virgin School's courage to do that on camera of all places. Amazing.
Anyway months passed along, crushing on so many girls and having no chance. I was twenty and I hadn't kissed a girl and had to visit a hooker to get close to one. Then a girl messaged me on a social networking site and instantly made moves. She wanted to meet, so we did. I was so nervous but she really liked me. That same night, I kissed her and she came back to mine, where I lost my virginity. To be completely honest, the actual sex wasn't that good, I preferred other acts. But what was amazing was sleeping next to a girl, to embrace her, her warmth, just cuddling someone and falling asleep.
We went out and then split up three months later and that's my story. Since then, two and a half years ago I haven't kissed anyone else nor have I got anywhere close to being intimate. I'm not shy, but girls just don't go for me that way. But considering I hadn't spoken to a girl for more than two minutes since I was eight, I'm proud of what I achieved. In fact, in my final year at Uni, I lived with three girls in a house and now it seems most of my good friends are female.
Also about female virgins, I know they exist, plenty of them, but usually with women, it’s out of choice. With men it’s not chosen. If I was a girl and wanted sex tonight, I could easily get some in any club. Sure it would be a one-night stand. But as a guy you can’t do that, unless you have looks, charm and confidence.