The Virginity Project

Many rivers to cross...

Your stories

Last month, Chloe* shared her hopes and fears with us as she pondered the question of her thirty-year-old virginity.....and what to do with it. Yesterday, I recieved this email from Claire*. Until recently, Claire was in the same boat as Chloe. Let her tell you how she managed to set sail and dive into the water.

'All is not in dire straights Chloe. I was in your shoes until recently. Though mine was not from religious reasons, but more personal insecurities.

For kick offs, I always loathed my body from childhood and through to adulthood I couldn't believe anyone would enjoy being with me sexually and that they would find me undesirable. There are many other issues as well but looking back, they don't seem as important as they did at the time, though I can still understand why I felt them.

It meant, however, that I never had a real relationship with a man because I knew it would lead to sex and the fear was too ingrained in me to get to that point. I did try a couple of times in my youth to work towards losing my virginity but I just couldn't make myself. I just wasn't personally ready.

I was the only one left out of my friends and that did make me feel slightly like an outsider. But as I made new friends, I never needed to tell them and so retained my ‘dignity’ of being an adult. After all, who questions at our age if you are a virgin are not?? People just expect you have by the time you at least reach mid twenties.

But in the end I found the loneliness consuming. I, like yourself, never saw a future for myself of finding love or getting married. But then how can you when you have never experienced it? I always thought no one could love me, but it was actually me who was stopping people from getting close.

I've finally grown into myself and have found more of myself in the last few years than I ever have before and because of that, I think that prompted a change in me to go out there and conquer that last territory of
myself. And I wasn't so scared of the sex ‘cause I knew that wasn't what I was actually after. It was being close to someone.

I lost my virginity at thirty.

I dated the guy for just over a month before we did, and he never suspected I was a virgin until I told him later. It was me who made the move on him too because I was totally comfortable in his presence. The best part of it is that I don't have the horror story that most other people seem to have. Its actually a very fond memory. The sex was great and wierdly enough, I didn't have any pain or bleeding either (which I was a little scared of).

The strange thing is that I always thought I would feel different after. Like more of a woman. More of an adult. But I don't. And that's not at all bad - in fact, it just goes to show that people harp on so much about sex and make it so important when in fact we are the same people regardless of whether or not we are virgins. It does not devalue us at all, nor does it make us more special than those who have lost theirs already. Its just the timing that's different.

Yes Chloe, perhaps virginity is glorified. Because for me, after all my tooing and froing, the actual event wasn't a big deal at all. It was nice but certainly no fireworks or banners saying "congratulations" being waved in front of my eyes. But then everyone is different.

Do what you feel is right for you Chloe. Don't see it as a road you can't go back down, because its not like that. Ask yourself down which road you would be happiest - but like all roads, you can back track back to that intersection and go up the right road.

Don't worry too much about the foreplay - there's always good sites on the net if you really want to prepare, but if you get the right guy, he will more than happy to teach you. Everyone likes something different anyways so being with new people is always a bit of a learning curve. For me personally, I am a happier person in that I am more confident around men and do see possibilities for future relationships becasue I am no longer scared of the physical ones.

I've opened up my own new roads. Good luck with your own :)'

*All names changed to protect identity.

'Billy, don't be a hero..'

OK, I geddit now.

A couple of weeks ago, Hud threw the above retort at Billy, a recent contributor to these pages. How rude, I thought.

I had absolutely no idea what he meant.

Now I do.

It’s a song. From the seventies. I remember bits of the seventies, The Carpenters, Alice Cooper, The Who. But not this bit.

I don’t think Billy will remember either because he would have been minus eight years old.

Here is Billy, not being a hero.

Define the first time....

I am searching for some answers.

When we talk about the loss of virginity, what do we really mean?
Is there one definitive definition?
Are we united in the belief that the first act of penetrative sex marks the loss of virginity? Or could one person's virginity loss be another one's near miss?
And how might this work for gay people? Because not all gay men have penetrative sex. And not all gay women have dildo's.

As Hanne Blank points out in her fabulous book, 'Virgin - The Untouched History', (sorry, no links, Typepad tools are sadly absent in the back of beyond), the lesbian student who famously sold her virginity on eBay to the highest bidder was in a committed sexual relationship at the time. Which gives the indication, that despite the fact that she was 'having sex', it was clearly not of the type that leads to the loss of virginity - at least in the minds of the men that were bidding for hers.

This leads me to think that virginity need not be a physical process. Could there be an emotional leap to make as well? What do you, citizens of the twenty-first century think? How would you define the loss of your virginity?

Could you pin it down to one moment...or perhaps several?

I would love to hear from you.

Please comment or email me at katemonroe@yahoo.com

Tag this: first time + gay + religion

Great stuff BigBearRon, doing it for gay religious people everywhere.

Even better than the real thing baby....

‘You still haven’t convinced me that the traditional definition of penetration isn’t the correct one’.

My eyes flicked to the last line of this morning’s email from John, my regular religious commentator. Funny, I thought, I hadn’t realized that I was trying to convince anyone about the traditional definition of virginity loss. But perhaps subconsciously, I am. Because as I go about my virginity related travels, I feel less and less inclined to commit to one definition.

Of course, I understand the general concept. I come from a generation of young people who leapt straight to the main course without worrying about the starters, or courtship as it was known in the days of my grandparents. A dictionary confirms it:

'Virgin noun 1 a person, esp a woman, who has never had sexual intercourse. 2 (the Virgin) RC Church a name for Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ – adj 1 never having had sexual intercourse; chaste. 2 in its original state; never having been used. (13c: from Latin virgo maiden)'

Hmmm, well as long as we are in agreement about what ‘sexual intercourse’ involves then we have an answer. My Mac dictionary decrees it thus:

‘Sexual Intercourse - an act carried out for reproduction or pleasure involving penetration, especially one in which a man inserts his erect penis into a woman’s vagina.’

‘Especially’. I like that. They are not quite committing themselves to the idea of virginity loss being exclusively heterosexual, but almost. This is partly my issue. The further I travel, i.e. the more people I interview, the more I see that virginity loss is a personal matter.

This feels particularly compelling at the moment, because I met a woman on last week’s course who had never 'had sex’. Tiny, dark and tearful, she sat and talked us through the barriers that had stopped her from ‘joining the human race’. Family expectations, religion, a huge commitment to her professional life, herself. Age forty-three, this is about to change. And as she tiptoes toward this experience, I feel impelled to tell her that virginity loss can be anything you want it to be.

If we choose to let go of definitions, we can experience millions of first times every day, You’ll never forget the first time you kiss someone you really want to kiss. Or the first time you come. And the first time you lie in the company of someone you can truly be yourself with. Some of us arse around for years before we get to that point. Losing your virginity can be a process as much as anything. We don’t stop having first times. In fact, I would argue, the ones we have as we get older are the better for it.

Enjoy it all I say, and don’t forget to make it up as you go along.

When guys talk....

I am a woman.

Sound a bit Tantric?

Its not meant to. It is merely a statement of fact. I am a woman and therefore I speak only from a female perspective. Which is one reason, among many, for enjoying my research so much. I get to get inside the heads of men. It feels like a privileged position, a ticket to a much coveted show, a feeling more akin to joining the Masons – not that I will ever know how that feels - unless someone starts a branch of, ugh, the Masonettes.

Men tell me the best stuff. They don’t hold back. They speak the exact same language that women do. Men weave fabulous, great big pictures of their intimate lives. Pictures filled with as much passion, drama and longing as any female could muster. There is little point in embellishing the stories because they know that I will change their identity. For an hour or two, it is just them, me, and a Dictaphone. Sometimes I think they’re even better at story telling than women are. Perhaps because they have less opportunities. As William Leith pointed out in Observer Woman last week, men will always tell you they’re OK, even when they’re not.

Now they email me as well. Here is Danny. Aged twenty-two, he describes the humungous hurdles jumped in order to lose his virginity. As he says, ‘with men, virginity is not often ‘chosen’.

Danny. Born 1985. Lost virginity aged 20

I thought I'd share my experience because I think it's quite indicative of guys in my situation. I'd been in single sex schools since I was eight years old. I recall having a few girl mates back then and even found an old home video of a birthday party of mine with a girl in it! I moved schools at eight into the private sector because my parents didn't like the poor grades I was bringing home. Educationally this was clearly the best thing to do, but socially it was awful.

I honestly believe that I talked to perhaps two or three girls from ages nine until thirteen. I just didn't get any exposure to them. My single sex school turned co-ed in my final year, but they were only accepting girls under eight, (I was thirteen), so this was no good either.

Reading old journals, I recall getting crushes on celebrities quite easily. There used to be a TV show called "The Secret World of Alex Mack" and I crushed on the main character in that. Scully from X-Files and Xena too. I am sure this was normal boy/teen behavior, but I feel that due to my lack of exposure to girls, TV/films became a medium through which I had sexual feelings.

Later, I moved onto another private school which was co-ed. However, they had separate boy's schools and girl's school. We're all on the same campus but lessons were taught separately. Again, I had virtually no contact with girls. At Sixth form we finally got mixed with the girls in classes. This was my first real exposure to females. In the lower 6th I got my first real crush, her name was Linda. I got absolutely obsessed with her, at this point I also started getting depressed; I wanted a girlfriend, I didn't have any male friends to go out with either. I was just so alone. My happiness for the day hinged on Linda talking to me, this could be the most minor of conversations, small talk or talking about school. But it still meant a lot. When she looked at me, I recall how great it made me feel. I used to get jealous of other guys who got to be her friend. This crush lasted until I left school. There were two other girls who were kinda friendly with me. One really saw through me and said out loud that she thought I was lonely.

Anyway, at nineteen and leaving for university, I'd still never held hands, never kissed or never been out with a girl. It was getting really awful. I hoped Uni would change that.

Living in halls I was obviously exposed to lots of women, however, our halls were small so there was no sleeping around cause everyone knew each other. Things were getting worse and worse, I'd never been so depressed, I'd sleep all day and cry most of the night. Then one of the girls in my classes said she liked me. Long story short, she was a tease. The entire friendship/relationship was over the phone and she refused to see me and had a boyfriend. This was a real low point in my life and I went on anti-depressants.

I was so desperate to experience what everyone else had so I visited an escort. I didn't have intercourse with her, just a hand-job. I was glad I did it, although when I'm down now, I beat up over it. I hate to admit that to people and I think I've only ever told one person about it. It's not something to be proud of, and I admire that James from Virgin School's courage to do that on camera of all places. Amazing.

Anyway months passed along, crushing on so many girls and having no chance. I was twenty and I hadn't kissed a girl and had to visit a hooker to get close to one. Then a girl messaged me on a social networking site and instantly made moves. She wanted to meet, so we did. I was so nervous but she really liked me. That same night, I kissed her and she came back to mine, where I lost my virginity. To be completely honest, the actual sex wasn't that good, I preferred other acts. But what was amazing was sleeping next to a girl, to embrace her, her warmth, just cuddling someone and falling asleep.

We went out and then split up three months later and that's my story. Since then, two and a half years ago I haven't kissed anyone else nor have I got anywhere close to being intimate. I'm not shy, but girls just don't go for me that way. But considering I hadn't spoken to a girl for more than two minutes since I was eight, I'm proud of what I achieved. In fact, in my final year at Uni, I lived with three girls in a house and now it seems most of my good friends are female.

Also about female virgins, I know they exist, plenty of them, but usually with women, it’s out of choice. With men it’s not chosen. If I was a girl and wanted sex tonight, I could easily get some in any club. Sure it would be a one-night stand. But as a guy you can’t do that, unless you have looks, charm and confidence.

There's more than one first time...

‘Is this your bra Jane?’

That’s how the weekend started and it went downhill from there.

Downhill, I must say, to a completely new perspective.

My first ski trip comes to mind. ‘Don’t get too frightened’, my friend Mark said as we parted. Don’t get frightened? I thought, what on earth does he mean? It’s best not to dwell on what might occur as one embarks upon a challenge. Having stuck the microscope Channel 4’s James and ‘Virgin School’, I was hardly expecting my own baptism of fire by the week’s close, but there we are.

Summary:

Comfort zones left: at least five
Tender spots prodded: yup
Barriers broken through: too many to mention

The upshot?

An indelible change in one’s life - for the better.

The six people I met on Friday evening, including Jane and her bra, were quite different to the six I parted company with yesterday. If you are prepared to put your reservations aside, and I certainly did, these courses have the ability to change lives.

Namaste!

Something else for the weekend..

I am always on the lookout for an unusual angle, a fresh perspective, someone who can shed new light on this most unique of experiences. When a friend offered me the chance to interview a professional teacher of Tantra, I jumped at the chance. I didn’t only jump, I drove. Several hundred miles to Land’s End, and to the home of a rare creature indeed. Sixty, foxy and about as comfortable in her skin as a human being can get, Diana was as illuminating on the subject of sex and virginity as I had hoped she would be. She lives an unconventional life and has taken an unconventional route to get there but as she speaks, you find yourself thinking, as did the lady seated next to Meg Ryan in the infamous scene from the film, ‘When Harry met Sally’, ‘I’ll have whatever she’s having please’….

As it turns out, I am.

I am spending this weekend on a Tantric retreat, courtesy of Diana. This time I will be travelling in the other direction, up north, and to what, I have absolutely no idea. My reluctance to read the course notes probably has more to do with denial than the ‘busyness’ that has kept me occupied all week. Suffice it to say, if I never speak of this weekend again, you will know that I spent it examining my nether regions, in a stone circle whilst chanting Kumbiya.

The American James...

MTV in the States emailed me this request the other day...if you fit the bill, and you're game..go for it.

'MTV is casting a fun, new documentary style reality series about
relationships & dating from a MALE perspective. We're looking for
virgin guys (21 & up) on their quest to break out of their shell &
improve their love life.

Do you get nervous around women? Are you stuck in the friend zone? Do
you find you're too busy to date?

Whatever the reason, if you or someone you know is a virgin guy in the
Greater Los Angeles area, we want to meet them!

Email MTV casting with your name, age, location, phone number & email,
and include a current photo & a brief history of your love life. Send
to tomiko.jones@mtvnmix.com ASAP!

*guys must be within driving distance of Los Angeles
*friends may be a part of the show
*casting immediately, don't let this opportunity pass you by!'

Virgin territory...

Well. What can I say?

Anyone who is prepared to subject themselves to the ‘intimate’ scrutiny of mainstream television is a man with balls - not of steel, but PLATINUM! If that doesn’t rid you of your shyness James, nothing will.

Last night’s ‘Virgin School’ made for an odd televisual experience. The fact that James was prepared, not only to stand up and tell the world that he is a virgin, but to effectively lose his virginity in front of a national television audience speaks volumes about the power of virginity. It tells us how, in this day and age, being a virgin is not just a person who has not had sex, but a person without a sexual identity – in a world where sex governs so much more of what we think, feel and do than we are ever conscious of.

So much of modern culture is wrapped and packaged around the idea that sex is something we are all doing, at any given moment, at every opportunity we can. And some of us are! But some of us aren’t. Some people, like James, have not even leapt the first hurdle. Well, until last night that is.

James, may your newfound sexual confidence serve you long and well.

You deserve it.