Last month, Chloe* shared her hopes and fears with us as she pondered the question of her thirty-year-old virginity.....and what to do with it. Yesterday, I recieved this email from Claire*. Until recently, Claire was in the same boat as Chloe. Let her tell you how she managed to set sail and dive into the water.
'All is not in dire straights Chloe. I was in your shoes until recently. Though mine was not from religious reasons, but more personal insecurities.
For kick offs, I always loathed my body from childhood and through to adulthood I couldn't believe anyone would enjoy being with me sexually and that they would find me undesirable. There are many other issues as well but looking back, they don't seem as important as they did at the time, though I can still understand why I felt them.
It meant, however, that I never had a real relationship with a man because I knew it would lead to sex and the fear was too ingrained in me to get to that point. I did try a couple of times in my youth to work towards losing my virginity but I just couldn't make myself. I just wasn't personally ready.
I was the only one left out of my friends and that did make me feel slightly like an outsider. But as I made new friends, I never needed to tell them and so retained my ‘dignity’ of being an adult. After all, who questions at our age if you are a virgin are not?? People just expect you have by the time you at least reach mid twenties.
But in the end I found the loneliness consuming. I, like yourself, never saw a future for myself of finding love or getting married. But then how can you when you have never experienced it? I always thought no one could love me, but it was actually me who was stopping people from getting close.
I've finally grown into myself and have found more of myself in the last few years than I ever have before and because of that, I think that prompted a change in me to go out there and conquer that last territory of
myself. And I wasn't so scared of the sex ‘cause I knew that wasn't what I was actually after. It was being close to someone.
I lost my virginity at thirty.
I dated the guy for just over a month before we did, and he never suspected I was a virgin until I told him later. It was me who made the move on him too because I was totally comfortable in his presence. The best part of it is that I don't have the horror story that most other people seem to have. Its actually a very fond memory. The sex was great and wierdly enough, I didn't have any pain or bleeding either (which I was a little scared of).
The strange thing is that I always thought I would feel different after. Like more of a woman. More of an adult. But I don't. And that's not at all bad - in fact, it just goes to show that people harp on so much about sex and make it so important when in fact we are the same people regardless of whether or not we are virgins. It does not devalue us at all, nor does it make us more special than those who have lost theirs already. Its just the timing that's different.
Yes Chloe, perhaps virginity is glorified. Because for me, after all my tooing and froing, the actual event wasn't a big deal at all. It was nice but certainly no fireworks or banners saying "congratulations" being waved in front of my eyes. But then everyone is different.
Do what you feel is right for you Chloe. Don't see it as a road you can't go back down, because its not like that. Ask yourself down which road you would be happiest - but like all roads, you can back track back to that intersection and go up the right road.
Don't worry too much about the foreplay - there's always good sites on the net if you really want to prepare, but if you get the right guy, he will more than happy to teach you. Everyone likes something different anyways so being with new people is always a bit of a learning curve. For me personally, I am a happier person in that I am more confident around men and do see possibilities for future relationships becasue I am no longer scared of the physical ones.
I've opened up my own new roads. Good luck with your own :)'
*All names changed to protect identity.